“Being honest if you have gone [to therapy] is imperative to finding the best seminary for you”

The Best Thing [The Conversation Continues / Issue 924]

I was in seminary this past year, and yes, I was (and still am) in therapy. After discussing it at length with my parents, I made the decision to write on my applications that this was the case and that I was taking antidepressants.

Only one of the three seminaries I applied to brought it up at my interview. None rejected me because of it (I know this because a close relative of mine who teaches in the sems I applied to had access to this info).

I want to emphasize this to girls who will apply next year: Be honest. I know, your worst fear is rejection. But here is the reality: If you’re truly mentally ready for a year abroad without your comforts and familiar surroundings, your rejection will mean that this wasn’t the place for you. Imagine how they would deal with you having a flare-up in Israel! And if you aren’t mentally ready but want to go just to fit in with the rest of the crowd, getting rejected may be the best thing that ever happened to you (and the girls you might have gone with).

In my apartment alone, two girls walked around like zombies all year, suffering with acute depression that for reasons beyond their control was not being properly treated. They suffered tremendously from their year abroad, and it set them both back. It affected the rest of the girls, spreading a dark cloud of gloom above us all, and creating unhealthy relationship bonds with other girls. I can’t say I wish they had been honest on their application, because they hadn’t been to therapy despite their obvious challenges, and theirs would have looked like anybody else’s: the application of a “healthy” (insert healthy dose of cynicism) girl.

Answering no to the therapy question on an application is not a blanket rule that the person is mentally fit for seminary. But being honest if you have gone is imperative to finding the best seminary for you. And if I could tell the principals of these institutions one thing, I would say: Going to therapy is one of the bravest and most selfless things a person can do. Rejecting someone just because of it is wrong, but accepting someone just because they haven’t gone could be catastrophic.

Wishing everybody in this parshah lots of hatzlachah.

A (Normal) Post-seminary Girl Who Happens to Be in Therapy

Why the Disparity? [The Conversation Continues / Issue 924]

I have six sons and one daughter.

I just finished the application process for seminary and yes, on all of the applications, my daughter needed to answer some sort of therapy-related question. My sons, who have been to a range of yeshivos, have never had this question asked of them.

Aside from all other issues that you brought up, I wonder about this disparity.

Is there some level of respect and dignity that yeshivos accord bochurim that our girls’ schools can learn from?

Is there a widespread recklessness in yeshivos? If so, why are we not hearing about this?

Are there more mental health issues in the frum world among girls than boys? This isn’t true in the secular world at all… and I highly doubt it.

Can someone explain this phenomenon?

Name Withheld

In Shidduchim, Too [The Conversation Continues / Issue 924]

I was a bit surprised and confused when last week there was some strong pushback on not teaching your children to lie. While I understand that from a chinuch perspective, when you look at the shidduch system (which comes right after seminary and is often linked together), you’re often pushed to lie. They tell you all kinds of things not to say; for example, I know someone who’s adopted and was told not to mention it. I know many people who went off a little bit or were rebellious as a teenager and they’re told to keep that quiet, because they’re all afraid of the big no.

Maybe that’s why we have a crisis. It’s not about the seminary you go to or random facts about your family (divorce, death, sicknesses) that should matter. It’s the kind of middos you have. While some things do matter, of course, I think if we put less pressure on providing the perfect answers, there would be no need to lie. Girls wouldn’t be afraid, not just about getting rejected by seminary but also about getting rejected in shidduchim.

A Newly Married Who Feels Bad for Her Friends Stuck in the Crisis

It’s Treatable [Inbox/ Issue 923]

As someone with extensive experience in treating hirsutism and PCOS, perhaps it is in place for a weigh-in from a professional. Among other treatments, I do lots and lots of laser hair removal, as well as lots and lots of electrolysis. There’s no universal approach to hair removal. Factors such as age, hormonal conditions, skin type, hair type, and genetics all play a significant role in determining the most effective treatment method and outcome. Many patients might not realize the diversity in laser technology but should be aware that if the treated hair isn’t shedding completely within two weeks, the chosen treatment or device may not be the best match.

What struck me is that the writer said that laser treatments didn’t work for her. That is unfortunate as, if the treatment is right, the patient absolutely will lose their hair between treatments, and if timed right, a three-day Yom Tov poses no problem. In close to 20 years, I’ve never come across hair that I wasn’t able to treat in this way. In this day and age, with such advanced treatment available, no person should suffer the embarrassment of hirsutism. I hope she quickly finds the correct treatment for herself.

Y. Sugarwhite

London

Not a Viable Solution [Inbox / Issue 923]

I’m writing in response to the letter writer who wrote about Spironolactone for hirsutism. The reason why people don’t really know about it or use it much is because it’s considered unsafe for pregnancy, so for many frum women, it’s not a viable solution. I do electrolysis every two weeks to keep it somewhat under control. But yes, we can definitely all relate to that feeling of being disgusted in your own skin and not being able to do anything about it. If anyone wants to invest their time to come up with a cure for this there will be many happy women out there!

Name Withheld

Chaya Was My Shaliach [Fed Up with Feeding / Issue 923]

Your article on feeding therapy was extremely informative. Chaya Rosmarin, who you interviewed, is a leading expert in feeding issues. When my very petite daughter couldn’t crawl or move at over a year old even after many months of physical therapy, Chaya was the shaliach who helped me navigate the process. She ultimately sent us to an ENT, and after removing the baby’s adenoids, we started to see a light at the end of the tunnel and my baby started to crawl almost immediately. As the ENT explained to me, when adenoids are so enlarged (they were blocking 85 percent of my daughter’s airway) the child uses all of his/her energy to just breathe and has no more energy for eating or reaching milestones. It did take several years and various therapies to get her fully caught up, but baruch Hashem, today my daughter is a regular healthy kindergartner, and we’re so grateful. There can be so many causes and Chaya is really the expert at getting to the bottom of it. Thank you for exploring this all-too-common issue.

A Lakewood Mother

My Sister Rena [Pearls of Wisdom / Issue 923]

It was a surprise to see my sister, Rena Baron a”h, mentioned in your series on Eishes Chayil. Rena embodied both aspects of the pasuk “vatakam b’od lailah” that Mrs. Hochheimer described. She was a hands-on mother who prioritized her children and never considered any part of mothering to be mundane or unimportant. She also reflected the ruchniyus side of the pasuk as she embodied emunah and bitachon throughout her entire cancer journey, leaving her family with a legacy of faith. Mrs. Hochheimer mentioned that I shared insights I learned along with Rena about guiding our children to grow through grief and loss with bitachon. I want to let your readers know that you can find more about these resources through Mishpacha. I hope they may bring hope and comfort to others dealing with difficult circumstances.

May we soon merit true nechamah and the ultimate Geulah.

Rebecca Masinter

We Must Not Sell Out Our Integrity [Even When It Hurts / Issue 923]

I was shocked at the lack of integrity portrayed as a normal situation in “Renovations Disaster.” That story didn’t address — but unquestionably should have made clear — that it wasn’t okay for a frum contractor to bribe customers with a hefty discount as an inducement for touting his services. And it certainly wasn’t okay for those frum customers to eagerly accept the contractor’s bribe and, without a sound experiential basis, tell everyone they knew (and even people they didn’t know) that he should be hired.

The FTC’s truth in advertising rules reflect that even in the secular world, undisclosed paid endorsements smack of deception and are improper. Such endorsements surely have no place in our world, where “midvar sheker tirchak” is a guiding business principle.

When we receive recommendations — especially from friends and family, who presumably are looking out for our interests — we should be able to trust that the recommendations reflect their honest judgment, based on experience, about the skill level and work ethic of the persons they hired. But the matter-of-fact way in which the discount/recommendation deal was depicted in “Renovations Disaster” strongly suggests that such trust may be misplaced. There is something very wrong with that suggestion. Not just wrong… appalling.

H. Kober

Baltimore, MD

Home Is Where Happy Children Play [Beacon of Light / Issue 922]

I was so saddened to read of the petirah of Rebbetzin Batya Barg a”h, truly the “last car on the train” of the Meislik family. Like the author of the article, my high school also based our production on her life story (Voices in the Silence, Bais Yaakov Toronto, 1995). As a girl, I was incredibly inspired by the Meisliks’ commitment to Yiddishkeit both before and after the Holocaust and their perseverance despite all they endured.

Several years ago, my high school class had a reunion. One of the things I mentioned when I spoke at the reunion was how a particular quote from that 11th-grade production still resonates with me all these years later. The line, delivered when Batya and her parents walk back into their now-empty apartment after the end of World War II, follows Batya telling her mother, “Mamma, we’re finally home!”

“Home?” says Rebbetzin Meislik. “This is not home. Home is where my happy children run and play….”

Having tragically lost all her children but Batya in the Holocaust, she remembered her home filled with laughter and love and children, rather than the empty shell of rooms it now was. I spoke of how that line in particular resonated with me and reminded me to be extra and constantly grateful for the brachos we have as mothers, raising children in today’s times, and to embrace every moment and every bit of noise and shefa and brachah, which of course we do, but this serves as an extra reminder of those who came before us and what was lost as we strive to build our homes in current times.

Yehi zichram baruch.

Chana (Weinstock) Neuberger

We’re Not Alone [Windows / Issue 922]

From beginning to end, Esther Shemtov’s No Good Very Bad Date was so relatable and accurate. I laughed at every sentence and also deeply resonated with this girl’s pain.

I really related to the end, when she was talking about how all the people in her life were putting pressure on her to do hishtadlus for shidduchim and it didn’t sit right with her. She wrote, “My mother wants me to go to another meet the shadchan... My sister thinks I should edit my bio... My coworker wants to set me up with all the wrong people... My nieces and nephews are starting to ask uncomfortable questions... Strangers at simchahs ask for my Tehillim name... my dating coach says I need to remind shadchanim I exist...”

I’m learning from being in shidduchim to take the advice, but in the end to trust myself to know what is best for me to do, because I’m the one who lives my life and therefore knows what I need best.

This was my favorite line: “Nice normal guys want to date my friends and my neighbors and my sisters. Not me. Apparently not even blockheads want to date me.” This statement exactly describes my experience in shidduchim, and I loved it so much because I think a lot of us feel that we’re alone in this; but really the reality for girls in shidduchim is that “apparently not even blockheads want to date me,” and it’s so nice to know that it’s not just me who feels this way.

Anonymous

Toronto, Canada

CORRECTIONS

The Words Unspoken, “To My 12-Year-Old Son,” Issue 921, was written by Hally Goldstein.

The article “Downtime” in A Better You, Issue 923, was written by Shoshana Schwartz, not Abby Delouya. We regret the error.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 925)