“Should we be encouraging financially clueless newlyweds to spend money they don’t have on such a huge investment?”

We Can Create Change [Keep or Lose / Issue 913]

I loved reading your article about things you would or wouldn’t change. I always think along these lines, and wish I could create more change in areas that I have no connections or power in. Many of the people who responded to this article are in a position to make these changes, and they should! They have fantastic ideas, and they see these issues from more of a bird’s-eye view. This doesn’t have to be theoretical! When I was a kid we used to get invited to Shabbos meals at a friend of my parents, someone who is very well connected in the frum world. He would go around the table presenting an issue, and asking everyone for their opinions and ideas on how to create change. I remember sitting there as a ten-year-old and thinking, wow, he’s really making me think! What a powerful opportunity! Even if we aren’t in a position to create change, we often know someone who is, and we can share our thoughts. And if we’re able to think out of the box and come up with a well-thought-out solution to a problem, it’s on us to do so.

R.M.

Unsure about This Advice [Keep or Lose / Issue 913]

I was surprised by the advice the real estate agent interviewed gave, telling young couples to buy a house as soon as possible, even in an area they know they don’t want to live, just so they have this investment.

Should we be encouraging financially clueless newlyweds to spend money they don’t have on such a huge investment?

The agent commented that, “A lot of young people nowadays spend their money freely and waste it.” It reminds me of an article that went viral in which a writer accused millennials of being unable to afford to purchase property, as they were spending too much money on little indulgences like avocado toast. An article in response that also went viral argued that if you forwent an order of avocado toast three times a week and put that money toward a down payment, it would take 33 years to save up for a down payment for a median-priced house. So really, how much does young couples’ free spending contribute to them being unable to afford to buy a house? It’s the exorbitant cost that is pricing them out of the market.

I’m concerned that this advice will lead to the expectation that parents of young couples provide money for a down payment.

Owning a property also doesn’t come problem-free. You need to find tenants, a property manager, pay for the property’s upkeep. That’s a lot of responsibility for a young couple. And what happens if you’re a young couple living hand-to-mouth and for a few months you don’t have tenants for your investment property? How will they cover the mortgage for your investment property and pay the rent where you’re living? I had a friend this happened to, and her shanah rishonah turned incredibly stressful dealing with this crisis.

L.M.

It Still Hurts [Know This / Issue 913]

I’m writing in response to the woman who wrote a Know This about growing up without a mother.

To the young girl without a mother, I, too, lost my mother when I was nine years old. I related so much to most things you wrote, and I really admire the fact that you had the courage to describe your challenges without a mother during the Yom Tov season.

Now, baruch Hashem, I’m married with my own family, but the memory of the challenge of shopping for Yom Tov clothing as a teen is still clear as day.

We lived in a small town with one frum clothing store. Money was tight, and one year, my grandmother gave each of my siblings $100 to buy clothes for the season. I’d take my babysitting money with me as well in order to cover the costs. The store owner was a classmate’s mother, which made it that much more painful. I remember going to the store Erev Yom Tov. Girls from my class were shopping with their mothers. That feeling of watching them looking through racks together and sharing opinions on style with each other, and on what looked good on them! And there I was, by myself. I had no idea what looked good on me. All I knew was that I had some crumpled bills in my pocket that would hopefully cover the cost of some decent clothes.

Yizkor is another challenge that makes you feel different. The first time I was in shul saying Yizkor with my sisters, we were the only kids in the room. Everyone else was middle-aged and giving us pitying glances. I just moved my mouth and turned some pages until everyone came back inside.

I can’t end this letter without mentioning Sarah Rivkah Kohn who started the most incredible organization called Links. Links provides emotional support for frum teens who lost a parent. Sarah Rivkah has brought so much awareness to the frum community about the challenges for frum children and teens who lost a parent.

A.S.

Too Moderate [POV / Issue 913]

I expected the article on sheltering children to be a strong advocate for raising sheltered children in an absolutely insane world, and I was so disappointed to see most take what might be considered to be a “moderate” stance, but one that certainly shouldn’t be made the norm in a Torah-centric household. This isn’t the time for moderation! The pendulum has swung so far that meeting it in the middle means allowing things that were absolutely unheard of just a generation ago. We live in a world that is crazier than ever, and raising children to love and live Torah in this day and age is a gargantuan feat. Why is no one doubling down? Why are we conceding to a reality we don’t need to accept? This world is slowly but surely turning into Sedom, and there’s no place for moderation in Sedom. Not to mention, we work so hard, but when the frum kids next door who look like my kids have exposure to all sorts of things, you’re making it so much more difficult for the rest of us.

Frustrated and Alone

Don’t Sell Your Kids Short [Keep or Lose / Issue 913]

I wanted to shout, “Yes!” when I read Mrs. Leah Pinkovics’s entry on what she’d love to change about our community’s approach to chinuch. Her comment that all the incentives we offer kids don’t make them happy was spot-on! I’m a mother of a large family and worked in chinuch on and off for years. One of my observations is that the system of giving positive reinforcement in the form of prizes has done enormous damage to the last two or three generations.

We and our children, aren’t rats in a Skinner box. With the exception of people with severe special needs, we should all be making choices based on what is morally correct and taking innate pleasure in doing the right thing. We should be showing and teaching our children that this a value. In my experience, rewarding children for every step they do correctly turns them into little monsters who view everything from the perspective of, “What do I gain from this?” Human beings have a soul, a conscience, bechriah chofshis, and are capable of so much more than that. Constantly offering our children prizes dulls this natural ability and develops their materialistic side. We can do better than that.

Rivkah Jager

We’ll Miss You [For Granted / Issue 912]

Thank you, Gila Arnold, for crafting the recent serial For Granted. It was engaging throughout the story — I often felt like I was in the room with Dini, Ayala, and Shuki. The realistic dialogue gave us a window into the characters’ thoughts and feelings. I found it fascinating to consider perspectives from people with very different family dynamics. Most of us probably don’t give much thought to the challenges of being raised in a wealthy family or the pressures involved with being seen as superhuman.

When the serial started, I thought for sure it was Dini who was the one who felt overlooked and undervalued, but as the story unfolded, it seemed clear that all of the main characters symbolize that part in all of us that feels taken for granted.

It’s so hard to say goodbye to the gang — I want to know how Chesed Tzirel evolves after the big campaign!

Lisa Traiger

Wholly Unnecessary [For Granted / Issue 912]

Over the past few months, I’ve been reading with mounting disbelief the serial For Granted. For weeks, I didn’t say anything, because I hoped the characters would come to their senses. But it seems I was mistaken.

To say I’m disappointed is an understatement. I understand that people generally need an incentive to do something. However, given that the Tzirelettes were being asked to fundraise money for an organization — a huge mitzvah — I would assume that should be incentive enough. Instead, Dini spent many hundreds of dollars showering her little fan club with outrageous and astonishing perks that were, in my opinion, wholly unnecessary.

Why can’t a group of bored newlyweds with nothing better to do help out without a reward? How far has our generation deteriorated to need personal gain for what was once considered a basic commitment?

I would have hoped that at least Ayala would have said something, but seeing as the shameless waste was ignored, I felt compelled to write myself.

Michelle Freundlich

Be Prepared [When Roles Reverse / Issue 912]

As someone who is dealing with an elderly mother who had a total emotional and physical meltdown after my father’s death several years ago, I was pleased to see an article offering advice and information about caring for elderly parents. I wanted to point out that anyone going through this stage is going to need a rav to consult regularly, because every situation has its own unique aspects to be addressed.

I believe we must also start stressing what members of the “sandwich” generation ought to be doing to try to prevent our own children from having to deal with so many of these issues, particularly financial and health issues, as we age.

Parents who don’t have a will should draw one up immediately. If you have one, make sure it’s updated. Make sure you have life insurance that reflects your stage of life, and if possible, long-term nursing care insurance.

In too many two-parent households, only one parent is familiar with the bank accounts, investments, utility payments, credit cards, and the like. Even if one spouse actually takes care of the finances, both spouses should be aware of what the family owns and how to access all the accounts. In fact, there should be a comprehensive list of these accounts that is updated regularly, and adult children should be told where to find this list should it become necessary. Don’t assume your children know where to find such basic information as your Social Security number. They should know how to reach your accountant and lawyer, if you have one.

We also have to face the fact that many of the diseases that plague the elderly aren’t inevitable. A torrent of research over the past few years increasingly indicates that lifestyle habits like proper eating and regular exercise can stave off or prevent heart disease, metabolic problems, cancer, and even dementia.

We must be mindful that our frum food culture, especially surrounding Shabbos and Yom Tov, tends to promote overeating. We must become more conscious of how much fat- sugar- and salt-laden takeout and processed foods we consume. And we must concede that regular exercise shouldn’t be considered bittul zeman.

As parents, we are familiar with the steps to be taken to provide for our children should we, chas v’shalom, die young. But we also have to consider how to provide for their well-being should we die very old. While we can’t know what the future holds for any of us, we should at least be doing the best we can to assure that when our children reach middle age, their kibbud av v’eim challenges aren’t the result of things we could have done differently.

Name Withheld
Jerusalem, Israel

Hope for Misophonia [Know This / Issue 912]

The experience described in the Know This about misophonia is something we at the Center for OCD and Misophonia hear every day, and we have fortunately seen success in treating this scarcely talked about disorder.

Those suffering from misophonia typically experience intense emotional reactions to specific sounds, often, but not limited to, eating-related sounds. Reactions include uncomfortable physical sensations and a confusing feeling of anger and rage toward the individual making the sounds. Research indicates that these sounds are often only triggering if made by specific people (frequently family members) and later spread to other people. Misokinisia is a similar disorder with similar reactions to movements like tapping, leg shaking, face touching, etc.

Although relatively unknown to most, misophonia affects about six percent of the population, according to recent studies.

At the Center for OCD and Misophonia, we treat misophonia with a form of acceptance-based cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), which is based on a model of misophonia that explains how it first develops and persists. The treatment protocol, recently published in the Journal for Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders, is called Experiential Acceptance and Stimulus Engagement (EASE). This protocol is designed to address the factors that keep a person “stuck” in a vicious cycle of avoiding unwanted triggers, only to find that the triggers are increasing and becoming less tolerable.

EASE is based on the premise that the more we avoid triggering sounds and discomfort, the more we become aware and bothered by the sounds. EASE teaches people how to stop engaging in efforts to avoid and change triggers that cannot be changed. Though difficult, as sufferers stop avoiding triggers, the sounds will become less noticeable, leading to a decrease in misophonia symptoms.

You are not alone, and thank you for bringing much-needed attention to this important issue. Your efforts help to shed light on a condition that affects many but is often misunderstood and rarely talked about.

Eliyahu Serkez LMHC/LPC

Work Through It [Know This / Issue 912]

I was so gratified to read your Know This from someone who struggles with misophonia. I grew up with this as a kid. Eating noises were the hardest for me, and I used to feel like I wanted to throw a plate at certain people during a Shabbos seudah! It has gotten much, much better over time. There are still times that I’m triggered (such as when I’ve had little sleep, like the writer said), and I try to do whatever I can to help myself, such as leave the room if I need to.

My daughter recently developed this, and I’m trying to help her work her way through it calmly, and at the same time tell her that having a fit in front of the person whose eating noises bother you is definitely not an option. Yes, it’s a diagnosable condition, but we believe in good middos at all times, and we have to do whatever we can to help ourselves without insulting another person in the process.

Chaya M.

Cleveland, OH

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 915)