“Maybe it’s time to stop bashing the seminaries (especially if we’re going to send our girls to them anyway)”

Slurping Soup [Know This / Issue 912]

My 13-year-old son happened across the Know This about a woman suffering from misophonia, a sensitivity to particular sounds. I’ve never seen anyone light up like that! “This, this,” he said. “I think I have this. You know how I always complain about Dovi slurping his soup on Friday nights? It makes me feel like the lady in the article said.”

Wow, that took me by surprise. I’d always thought he was just being a brat and picking on his brother. I hadn’t imagined just how distressing the slurping sounds were to him and how much self-control it probably took for him not to react angrily. Well, we rearranged our Shabbos table this week and we’ve seated him on the other side of the table from his brother. Does anyone have any other suggestions I can implement to make this easier for him?

Y.K.

Lakewood

Their Reality [Role Reversal / Issue 912]

I was really moved by Rabbi Seplowitz’s advice when dealing with elderly parents with dementia to “deal with their reality, and speak to them in those terms.” My very elderly mother lives with me and is experiencing significant cognitive impairment. I usually try to reason with her and (respectfully) get her to see things as they really are. For example, she often wants to get dressed in Shabbos clothes during the week, and light candles. After I read Rabbi Seplowitz’s words, I tried a different approach and instead of trying to prove to her that it was Sunday afternoon, I helped her put on lipstick and perfume, and pushed her wheelchair to the sideboard and lit candles with her. On one hand, it was heartbreaking to go through this charade; on the other hand, seeing her palpable relief that she was lighting candles “on time” was very rewarding. Even though it seems comical, I think this will be my modus operandi from now on. Thank you Family First and Rabbi Seplowitz.

J.B.

London

Stop Bashing Seminaries [Inbox / Issue 912]

To the woman who asks why people send their kids to seminary and then undermine it, thank you.

I won’t deny that while in seminary, a girl is in a bubble. There’s no other time and place in a person’s life, other than when they’re in seminary or yeshivah, that a person has nothing on their mind except for Torah. Of course they’re in a bubble. Of course it’s not real life. But if there’s ever a time we would want to gift our kids with that experience, shouldn’t it be on the cusp of adulthood, as they start to realize who they are and then make the important decisions that will determine the course of their lives?

The atmosphere they live in in seminary — one of concentrated growth and inspiration — provides the building blocks for a Torah-true home. The difficulty isn’t that they’re in seminary, but rather the making-it-real that needs to be done when the girl comes home. The real work happens when a girl returns and lives with everyday nisyonos in the workplace, in relationships.

Can she put all that she’s learned into practice?

Seminary is a valuable experience that can change a person’s life, yet as a klal, we seem to belittle and undermine it. I wonder if this is just another tactic of the yetzer hara. The growth a girl can achieve in seminary is huge, yet as she reads and hears people’s opinions of seminaries, portraying them in a not-so-great light, the ruchniyus gets that little bit more diluted every time. She starts wondering if what she gained is real, if there was even a point, if this is really her? And that’s what the yetzer hara is there for: to challenge every growth opportunity we have.

Maybe it’s time to stop bashing the seminaries (especially if we’re going to send our girls to them anyway). Perhaps the real changes we’re hoping for will actually take place if we don’t let the yetzer hara and all his tactics get in the way.

As the letter writer wrote, perhaps if we supported all the inspiration they got in seminary, these girls would become the “nashim tzidkaniyos in whose merit we will be worthy of being redeemed.”

C.K., Jerusalem

Not Fully Living [Parshah / Issue 912]

I was really moved by Faigy Peritzman’s parshah essay and her comparison of people living without the ol mitzvos to floundering fish. This mashal resolved something that has always bothered me. As a child of baalei teshuvah, I felt that my non-frum cousins had so much more fun than me: more toys, more freedom, more vacations; less chores to do because their family size was small; beautiful home. We were the frum ones, we were living the truth, so why did it seem that they had it better than us? Now I understand. Superficially, they did. But we're the ones living real life, accruing Olam Haba , living  lives of chiyus.

Name Withheld

Kids Aren’t Mini Adults [Inbox / Issue 911]

I was quite surprised by the letter titled “Treat Kids like Mini Adults.” The writer implies that children are “experts in their own feelings” and completely reliable sources of information for what they do and don’t need for their mental health.

Now, I’m not saying that there isn’t some truth to that. Of course it’s important to listen to our children, and validate how they’re feeling. Parents should be open to hearing how their behavior and choices are impacting their children, and be willing to consider professional evaluation and treatment options if the child feels really strongly that this is what they need.

But children aren’t mini adults. They are children! Their brains are still not fully developed (this can take until age 25!), and they have few critical thinking skills. Especially in the teenage years, they are completely ruled by their emotions and hormones.

I think that handing the reins to children to decide their own preferred medical treatment is the start of a slippery slope. If you don’t believe me, look at the outside world that has taken it to the extreme.

Name Withheld

Not At Someone’s Expense [Inbox / Issue 911]

I’m fortunate to have a very wise rav, and over the years I’ve heard a principle from him many times: A personal chumra should not be a medium to cause pain. It should be an “extra” offering to Hashem — and since Hashem cares about all His children, He’s not pleased by an offering that ostensibly brings him something valuable while also bringing pain.

I think this is a partial key to unraveling Mindy’s dilemma in last month’s Second Guessing about a wife who was resentful of her husband’s chumras. Generally speaking, healthy growth in bein adam l’Makom should not come at the expense of one’s bein adam l’chaveiro. Someone who is growing in a wholesome and healthy way will make the effort to become a more sensitive and attuned husband and father even as he improves in his tefillah and halachic precision. If all his kabbalos are in the realm of bein adam l’Makom, it might be time to take a step back and think about places to improve in the interpersonal realm.

A spouse who sees that kind of wholesome growth is much more likely to encourage and welcome chumras, because they realize that they only benefit from the overall trend of upward movement.

Baila Grossman

Brooklyn, NY

Out of Sync [Inbox / Issue 910]

I was unimpressed by the Quick Q about spending time on Zillow even if you have no plans to move. I know it’s tempting and enjoyable to browse dream homes, but really, doesn’t it just increase our desire for more gashmiyus, more comfort, more luxury? Those are not exactly values Family First should be pushing. What happened to “Eizeh hu ashir hasameiach b’chelko”? Aside from that, it’s also a huge time-waster.

Name Withheld

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 913)