“...It isn’t easy to step aside and let our husband lead, this doesn’t mean it’s a value to let go of”

Maybe It’s Cowardly [Deal or No Deal / Issue 911]

Your back page poll presented an intriguing dilemma: If there’s a parent who constantly blocks the other cars during the harried hours of playgroup pickup, do you approach them to “lay down the law,” or instead “silently fume but never say anything”?

As I was reading this scenario, I was thinking how I’d never go over to the other parent to tell them their parking is inconsiderate. I’m not a confrontational person and would feel so uncomfortable doing so. I associate that sort of behavior with people who are super assertive, maybe even aggressive. I’m the sort of person who’s not going to make a fuss to make my own life easier, even when the other person is clearly being inconsiderate or in the wrong, I’ll just give in and let them do it their way.

But reading the other option — “silently fume” — had me thinking. Spending the year inwardly seething and making judgments about the other person (e.g., labeling them “inconsiderate”) isn’t exactly a prime example of good middos. Is being nonconfrontational really “giving in,” or is it just a cowardly way of avoiding discomfort? Speaking to the other parent might be awkward, and it would be really tough for me, but would probably result in better feelings all around.

Name Withheld

Obsessed with Others’ Opinions [Windows / Issue 911]

I laughed out loud when I read the shidduchim piece; it was really hilarious. It was poking fun at our community’s idiosyncrasies, and yes, our obsession with what other people think of us when it comes to shidduchim is absurd and really flies in the face of the idea that HaKadosh Baruch Hu is mezaveg zivugim. One thing my many years as a single taught me is that nothing, not even your own stupidity, will prevent Hashem’s plan for you from going ahead. So put on that hoodie and long skirt and go take out the garbage. And stop in at the supermarket while you’re at it.

R.B.

Men Are Meant to Be the Spiritual Leaders [Inbox / Issue 911]

I disagreed with the Inbox letter addressing Mindy, the protagonist of the Second Guessing in which a woman goes behind her husband’s back and doesn’t keep the chumras he’s makpid on. The letter writer said, “This isn’t about being an ishah kesheirah or that in a Jewish home the husband sets the ruchniyus barometer.” I think that’s exactly what the story was about. I know it isn’t politically correct to say this, but a husband is meant to be the spiritual leader of the home. And while in the 21st century, when men are no longer exclusively the breadwinners and women exclusively the homemakers, and women are often just as educated as men, it isn’t easy to step aside and let our husband lead, this doesn’t mean it’s a value to let go of.

Name Withheld

Communication and Compromise [Inbox / Issue 911]

I was surprised to see that almost none of the responses to the Second Guessing column looked at the issue from the husband’s viewpoint. He was being very gentle and kind in asking his wife to keep those chumras and there was nothing emotionally unhealthy or domineering in his interactions with her. It was her decision to avoid working it out with him and instead act passive-aggressively in the belief this would prevent conflict between them that was problematic.

More than anything, marriage is about good communication. Her way of operating was a missed opportunity to grow as a couple. Married couples are still individuals and can retain some individuality. A healthier way to handle this would have been to turn to him and explain how she felt, that he was growing at a pace faster than her and that it was difficult for her to take on these things. They could have then chosen some things that were very important to him and she would have followed through with them, and some things that he could overlook because she wasn’t in a place to take them on.

Name Withheld

They Got It in School [Inbox / Issue 910]

I’d like to address the question in which someone asks, “By the time a girl comes to seminary, her parents already spent over 100K on her Jewish education. Could someone please tell me, in all this time, has she or has she not worked on her davening, learned to serve Hashem with joy, and developed a relationship with Him and chashivus for His Torah? If yes, why is seminary necessary aside from the value Eretz Yisrael adds? And if not, then where were we all this time, what were our girls learning in school, and why are we all sleeping?”

What comes to my mind is why did Yaakov Avinu, who was ish tam yoshev ohalim, after having learned in Yeshivas Yitzchak Avinu for 63 years, and certainly in Yeshivas Avraham Avinu for a significant number of years as well, have to go learn in Yeshivas Shem V’Ever for another 14 years before going to build his family?

The education he got from Yitzchak Avinu and Avraham Avinu was good enough as long as he was living in their homes. He needed to learn a new limud before going out into galus where he would build his family.

The education our girls get through high school is the foundation they need while they are still living at home. Before going out into the world and building a family, our girls need a seminary education. I personally didn’t go to seminary; I stayed local and went to a grade 13. (I’m not suggesting that a local seminary is automatically grade 13.) Many years after realizing what was missing in my life, I started listening to numerous shiurim and reading books/seforim. I’ve noticed interestingly enough, that many of the shiurim and books/seforim that I appreciate, are by seminary mechanchim and mechanchos. I don’t recall coming across anything by a high school mechaneches. They serve different purposes.

I was very happy to give my daughters the seminary experience. Although they have absorbed the amazing high school education that they got, it can’t compare to what they are ready to receive at the next stage in life, going out into the world and building a family.

Aside from the Eretz Yisrael value, it’s extremely helpful for teenage girls to get this education away from home, where they can form their own way of thinking, connect to their own values, allow changes to take place — without the pressure of family — and even to be separated from friends who might impede on their developing minds and growth.

My question is why are so many people willing to spend thousands of dollars on their daughter’s education and then undermine it? I hear too many times people who feel their daughter got too inspired in seminary, and they can’t wait for them to come back to earth. I personally think we’d all be better off if we not only send our girls to seminary, but support all the inspiration they get there, and allow them to live in a bubble and raise their children more wholesomely. Maybe they are the nashim tzidkaniyos in whose merit we will be worthy of being redeemed.

Name Withheld

No One Knows I’m Typing [Strictly Business / Issue 897]

Here’s a late reaction to the conversation about boundaries in the workplace (proof that the conversations Family First facilitates live on for readers and continue to move us toward growth even months later). I loved how someone mentioned that they don’t send voice notes to men or don’t use WhatsApp with men, instead using email which is a level up in boundaries. It inspired me to do similar. I do sometimes need to send messages by WhatsApp to men. When I do, I type my messages in Word and then paste it in WhatsApp and send it immediately. I’ve found that when I see it says, “Moshe is typing…” it creates curiosity and intrigue inside of me, and I wouldn’t want that to happen even momentarily when dealing with the opposite gender.

A Reader

A line in A Better You (Issue 911) referred to a misalignment between health goals and food choices as a 'mistake.' This characterization does not accurately reflect the writer's intention. We regret the error.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 912)