“Having worked with hundreds of young women, I’ve seen over and over again that acceptance, love, and connection is key”

Show Up with Love [To Be Honest / Issue 907]

Sarah Emanuel’s raw and vulnerable piece about her parenting journey with her son who went off the derech was perhaps one of the best I’ve ever read regarding the topic of struggling youth. As a clinical social worker who has worked with this population for over 20 years, the last eight as the director of Jewessence, a seminary for girls who are struggling, I’m asked on an almost daily basis what causes our young people to make the choices they do and what can be done to prevent it.

Having worked with hundreds of young women, I’ve seen over and over again that acceptance, love, and connection is key. Our young people want to be seen. They want to be heard. When we see them and hear them, we show them that they’re important, that they’re valued, that we want them to stay in the community because they’re an important part of the community, that the Jewish People wouldn’t be the same without them.

Research shows that the key to resilience is connection. Halevai that each struggling teen has a mom like Mrs. Emanuel to be their healthy connection. However, connecting to our young people isn’t only the parents’ job. A teacher, a rabbi, another family member, a friend, or neighbor can also be that supportive life line.

Our staff mantra in Jewessence is to “keep showing up.” We show up authentically and nonjudgmentally. We show up with love and acceptance. We show up when they are having good days and we show up when things are difficult. Sometimes we have to show up even when they’re not able to show up for themselves. We are their cheerleaders. We choose to see their growth even when it’s in baby steps, and we help them to recognize their own growth. We see them as they are in the moment, and we see their potential as well.

You don’t have to be a parent or a professional to show up for someone. Most of us know a young person who is struggling. Try showing up for them — you never know when you will be changing a life.

Shalva Schneider, LCSW

Director, Jewessence

All Abuse Is Unacceptable [Family Reflections / Issue 906]

It’s important to expand upon Mrs. Radcliffe’s statement, “Divorce is a solution for marriages characterized by abuse of various kinds,” in her article about knowing when a marriage has no future. A few sentences later, Mrs. Radcliffe wrote “physical violence… is inconsistent with marriage.”

Domestic abuse (the preferred term) refers to a prolonged pattern of behavior where the abuser exerts power and control over a spouse. It can be emotional, verbal, financial, psychological, or technical in nature. These behaviors and actions are meant to frighten, intimidate, threaten, manipulate, humiliate, blame, and sometimes physically hurt someone. All these behaviors are “inconsistent with marriage,” and not physical violence exclusively. These ongoing, terrifying, and abusive behavior patterns are “unacceptable enough to warrant divorce.” This type of domestic abuse will likely not stop until the victimized spouse draws up a supportive safety plan (with the assistance of a rav and qualified therapist) and leaves.

Everyone is worthy of respect and in a marriage it must be mutual.

It’s our tafkid to show unconditional, long-term support — to show them they’re not alone — to all spouses in painfully difficult marriages as they contemplate the next step in their lives.

Devorah Weiss, LMSW

Certified Parent/Teen Coach

Ramat Beit Shemesh

Divorce Is the Hard Way Out [Family Reflections / Issue 906]

As somebody who is twice divorced, here’s my take on the question on how to determine if a marriage has hope.

First, my deepest sympathies to anyone who relates to this letter. It’s the most torturous place to be. I stuck out both my marriages, made necessary changes, accepted to put up with a lot, and invested all I had, despite the difficulties involved — until I reached a point where I felt with clarity and conviction that the worst-case scenario of divorce outweighed staying in the marriage.

Divorce isn’t the easy way out, it’s the hard, painful way out. It brings with it stigma, loneliness, resentment, unresolved issues, single parenting, and mostly, no guarantee that you will ever remarry. All that was preferable to me over staying married and being subject to the damage being caused to my emotional and mental health.

I encourage anyone in such a predicament to consider the absolute worst-case scenario of being single, and weighing it against any potential happiness or stability their marriage might offer — even if not immediately — and proceed accordingly.

Additionally, I’d like to address the suggestion that the author made: to ask your rav what to do. While I fully agree that a person should have a rav and consult with him as necessary, especially in complicated situations, in my experience dealing with plenty of rabbanim about my marriages, I’ve never gotten a clear-cut answer as to how to proceed. The brutal decision is up to the person herself. Don’t expect to approach your rav and get a yes or no answer like you would to a different question.

Y.T.

New York

Another Letter from a Teen [A Better You / Issue 906]

I’m not the teen who wrote the letter to Mrs. Kohn about my parents refusing to send me to therapy for my panic attacks, but I could have written it a number of years ago.

I was a happy-go-lucky teen, well-liked and getting top marks. I then experienced a trauma that changed my life, but I didn’t know how deeply it affected me at the time.

Some months after graduating, I experienced my first panic attack. I thought something was terribly wrong with me. I gathered my courage and approached my parents to describe the terror I was going through. They told me it’s normal and I’m fine and this too shall pass.

Thus began a long journey of panic, anxiety, depersonalization, and depression. My carefree nature was gone, and I turned into a shadow of myself. I dreaded socializing as it was so taxing to pretend that everything was okay. I begged my parents to go to therapy, but they kept on assuring me that I’m okay and that I should stop driving myself crazy because I was just making it worse.

Things came to a head when I was crying nonstop day after day, and daily functioning was getting harder. They finally took me to a therapist, but it was too little and too late.

At a certain point I realized I needed to take control of my own life, and I stopped confiding in my parents. Life went on in survival mode, with the anxiety always present or hovering on the periphery of my mind.

After experiencing high levels of anxiety during pregnancy and the subsequent terrifying postpartum anxiety, I finally got the help I needed. I needed to go on medication and learned that there is nothing wrong with me. I was just suffering from anxiety that was left untreated, thus letting it fester for years and getting worse.

I was plagued with “if only” thoughts. If only my parents had sent me to therapy right away and put me on medication. If only I'd had the guts to reach out for help on my own. If only all this misery could have been avoided.

Here’s my plea. Dear parents, if your child approaches you describing symptoms of anxiety and panic, please don’t brush it away! Tell your child that you will support them and get them whatever help they need so that they can feel better and hope again.

If you’re concerned about shidduchim, realize The Master Shadchan will not forsake your child. Please do whatever you can to immediately get your child the best help available. Waiting it out is the worst thing you can do for anxiety.

Thank you for penning these words so others can get the help they need before it’s too late.

And to the brave teen who heroically wrote this letter, I deeply feel your pain. Know that there is excellent help for you out there and the sun will shine for you once more. You’re your best advocate, so stand your ground and just keep praying to Hashem.

Recovering and Rediscovering the Joy in Life

The Ultimate Gift [POV / Issue 906]

Every career needs dedication, research, continuous study, sacrifice, and work. With this in mind, isn’t the chinuch of our children something we should be investing the most in?

Information (in any area) and self-awareness has the potential to absolutely change any situation around — especially chinuch. Even if you learn very little in theory, going to a parenting class each week and learning to constantly focus and assess where you’re at, is priceless.

It’s all about working on yourself.

When you leave a chinuch class you should feel empowered, in touch with your instincts and feeling like, “I’ve got this.” There’s no room for guilt or self-doubt.

A mother needs to be confident and secure in what she does because that makes a child feel safe. Knowing what you’re doing makes you feel confident. You do need to learn to gain the knowledge!

I passionately believe you’re giving your children the ultimate gift by putting in the time, patience, and energy to learning how to be a better parent and giving yourself tools and strategies to help your kids have the best chance at life.

Sara Neumann

London, UK

Only a Problem in Small Communities [The Last Bridge / Issue 905]

In the article about taharos, one admirable volunteer stated that she performs taharos every night, and that the noble work requires she drop everything to perform a taharah. I’m concerned her comment may unnecessarily prevent those with family responsibilities from joining their local chevra kaddisha.

First, it’s important to clarify that the practice of evening taharos is mainly found in smaller communities. In larger Jewish communities with a frum facility for chevra kaddisha work, taharos are usually performed in the morning, closer to the time of the levayah.

In contrast, in smaller communities or in situations where the Jewish community must use a local funeral parlor’s facilities, taharos are typically scheduled for the evening, as these facilities are only available after hours.

Similarly, large Jewish communities have many chevra members, and if one gets a call to come in but is unable to, the coordinator will find others who are able to. It’s true that chevra members do feel privileged to do the work and would likely shift their plans to accommodate performing a taharah when possible, but it’s not required of us.

A Chevra Member

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 909)