“The powerful refrain of the “G-d of the 41st day” is an incredible way to change our mindset and remember Who is really in charge”

Good Guilt [The Lives Lashon Hara Destroyed / Issue 904]

In the article “The Lives Lashon Hara Destroyed,” a high school bully quotes her rav as saying that, “Feeling guilty is the work of the yetzer hara and only leads someone to depression, chas v’shalom.”

I think that guilt is, first and foremost, the work of the yetzer tov. It directs us to where we need to regret, repent, repair, and change. Only after that does it become a tool of the yetzer hara, if we become immobilized or crippled by it.

If the protagonist of this story recognized the deep and lasting damage her cruel participation in mocking and bullying caused, it didn’t come across in the article. Nor did she acknowledge that a high school girl is old enough to know better.

It’s likely that telling a prospective chassan about the middos of this girl, if asked, is in the category of l'to’eles, though a she’ilah should be asked.

Lashon hara destroys lives, but this story isn’t an example of that. And guilt is only a tool of the yetzer hara after it’s properly used to direct us to teshuvah.

Miriam R. Perr

You Don’t Have to Reveal All [The Lives Lashon Hara Destroyed / Issue 904]

The story “Unmatched” in the feature about the destructive impact of lashon hara, where a woman’s engagement is broken off when her friend Chava tells her chassan that she’d gone through a phase of being mechallel Shabbos, was an interesting story.

However, I disagreed with her conclusion that her real zivug “is going to know about my mistakes in the past and accept me despite them.” I don’t know of any rebbi or counselor who would recommend to anyone that they expose all the mistakes they made in the past to a potential shidduch. That sounds rather unpleasant.

I think it would have been better if the story had ended with the line before that, which says, “I believe everything happens for a reason, and that Mayer wasn’t my bashert.”

Name Withheld

It Feels Fake [Family Connections / Issue 904]

I was so happy to read this question about a woman who has difficulty being physically affectionate with her older children, as I struggle with the same thing. When my kids are young, I can hug and kiss them a lot. As soon as they reach a certain age, I find it takes a lot from me and feels fake sometimes.

I’ve come to the conclusion that this problem stems from my childhood. As children, we were told to come kiss our mother after she lit candles Friday night or before going to bed, and would get told off if we didn’t. There was no love there. It was part of the routine. My mother could have been upset with me for something I had done that day and then would still demand a kiss. It felt awful. I think I therefore shy away from kissing the older kids as I’d much rather not kiss than have it being by rote.

I must say I’m trying to keep up with kissing the younger kids so that I can try and continue when they’re older.

Name Withheld

A Hole That Will Never Be Filled [Family Connections / Issue 904]

I was brought up without much physical touch. And there will always be a little girl inside me who needs to be hugged and held. There’s no replacement for a mother’s holding and soothing.

Reading this piece made me so sad. I think children whose mothers are uncomfortable touching them will struggle to feel lovable. I really urge these mothers to seek therapy. Finding an hour a week even for the busiest person is possible, and there are financial resources available for those who need it. Often people are reluctant to go to therapy because they’re afraid. But children who don’t get enough touch may need therapy to help them understand the hole inside them and how to fill it. Don’t be afraid of therapy; a good therapist will know how to “hold” and contain a person properly and enable them to bare all their feelings.

For mothers who struggle with this; it’s not too late. After bath time, when your child smells the sweetest, take them on your lap and brush their wet hair. Look into their eyes and tell them they’re beautiful (or handsome). Let them rest their head against you and relax in your warm embrace. A soft kiss on their cheek. It may not feel comfortable at first, but with patience and time it will. And bit by bit your children will feel so full that they’ll grow into mature, emotionally healthy adults ready for marriage and parenting themselves. It’s not too late.

Name Withheld

From a Desire to Connect [Face to Face / Issue 904]

I really enjoyed Mrs. Elana Moskowitz’s article "Thank You, Hashem" where she beautifully expounded on the depth of the brachah of Modim. I appreciated the ideas that she presented and I hope that I can draw upon them in my davening.

I’d like to take exception to one point in the introduction. Mrs. Moskowitz expressed skepticism with several movements that focus on gratitude, asking, “Does this version of gratitude issue from a superficial place?”

I’d like to answer that skepticism by quoting the Mishpacha article “Gratitude Nation,” which profiled the founders of one such movement, the Thank You Hashem (TYH) movement. TYH Founder Aryeh Blumstein said, “On its own, saying ‘Thank You, Hashem’ can be reflexive and disconnected. The power lies in how it gradually seeps into you and awakens your perspective on gratitude. You realize what hakarah means and does. Once a Yid is makir that absolutely everything is from Above, life is never the same.”

Yes, the TYH brand has trendy merch and catchy songs, but at its core it’s rooted in a deep desire to connect. In fact, Mrs. Moskowitz explains a part of Modim: “L’dor vador nodeh lecha, u’nesaper tehilasecha — Regardless of the generation we find ourselves in, we will thank and praise Hashem.” TYH is a perfect example of our generation expressing this in a way that reflects our times.

Chaya Steinman

Ask a Rav [Second Guessing / Issue 904]

Your Second Guessing features are so well done, and usually leave me conflicted. But I felt so liberated when I read the one about the woman who felt a local teen was too young and irresponsible to be babysitting and didn’t know if she should tell that to a mother who was about to hire her — the answer is a no-brainer!

The only answer is to ask a sh’eilah, extremely easy and doable since the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation has a hotline devoted to this. After hearing all the details, the rav tells you if you should say something. If yes, he’ll tell you specifically how to relay the information in the best way possible, i.e., which details to include or leave out.

I’ve called a rav about sensitive shidduch information, politics at work, etc. I told the rav all of the anonymous details, was asked some probing questions, and came away with a mehalach.

Yes, in the case of someone asking me for information, I usually make an excuse and hang up on the person asking so I can call the rav. (Hashem helps so those excuses come out naturally.) Sometimes you need to call a rav after getting certain questions and then call the enquirer back. But how could you forgive yourself if you knew something important and took it upon yourself to leave it out?

Asking in the case of the babysitter is definitely warranted, as the babysitter’s lack of responsibility is downright dangerous! And after speaking to a rav, there’s no second guessing....

D.B.

Our Yeshuah Will Come [Lifetakes / Issue 902]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for publishing this incredible piece, and for verbalizing the thoughts that so many of us have. We hear and read so many stories of segulos that have happy endings, and then wonder about people like us, who have tried them all and are still waiting for our yeshuah. Somehow this side of it is never spoken about and it makes us wonder if we’re doing something wrong, since it didn’t work for us.

The powerful refrain of the “G-d of the 41st day” is an incredible way to change our mindset and remember Who is really in charge, and that our yeshuah will come at the time that He knows is right for us.

Someone Else Who’s Waiting

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 906)