“There was the first family who took a singer with a one-man band. There has to be a first who stops this insanity, too!”

Not a Free Pass [The Lives Lashon Hara Destroyed / Issue 904]

These stories about the damage incurred as a result of both lashon hara and rechilus hit so close to home. Reputations can be destroyed so easily, as shown through the story of a woman whose engagement was broken off when someone told her chassan about a period when she had been mechallel Shabbos, which she had since done teshuvah for.

As a parent of a struggling teen, I have seen firsthand the pain and betrayal as a result of rechilus. Many times, people assume that if someone’s level of tzniyus is not up to par, or their behavior is not that of a yeshivah bochur or Bais Yaakov girl, it is a mitzvah to let others know to stay away from these individuals or ignore them. This causes pain to both them and their families. True, you don’t need to “hang out” with those individuals, but don’t patronize them. Don’t ignore them. They are in pain, whether they know it or not. And someone’s lack of standards doesn’t give you a free pass to say whatever you want. This lashon hara and rechilus adds fuel to a burning fire.

In the “Al Cheit” on Yom Kippur, we say dibarnu dofi. Dofi can be translated as two mouths. The one where someone says bad things about an individual AND then pretends to speak to the individual or their family as if “everything is all right” and we’re friends. Well, it isn’t all right.  That is not the way friends or even acquaintances should behave.

Thank you for letting us see the damage a few words could cause.

A Parent of a Wounded Child

We Respectfully Disagree [Windows / Issue 903]

My husband and I enjoyed discussing the article last week about a mother and her two different reactions to two instances of her preteen daughter’s drama and their effect on her daughter’s ability to move on. We came up with a few points in response to the question the piece ended with: “But you can’t argue with the facts, so what do you make of that?”

First, the writer sees the second scenario of her daughter moving on from the drama quite quickly as being the better outcome, but is it really? It may seem so from the outside, but my husband and I don’t agree with the writer’s premise that shutting down someone’s feelings is the ideal.

Second, the writer stated that the two scenarios, a haircut gone wrong and her asking for and being refused a robot, are nearly identical. We strongly disagree. The first scenario involves her daughter’s self-esteem and social standing, which can be precarious for ten-year-old girls, while the second one is just about her daughter not getting what she wanted.

Lastly, the writer says that she responded with empathy, remorse, and pragmatism (“It’s hair, it will grow back!”). We think that the writer’s pragmatism could have been invalidating to her daughter’s “crisis.” While she empathized and apologized, she also kind of told her daughter to get over it, which is counteractive.

Matty Perl, ULSW

No Exaggeration [To Be Honest / Issue 903]

Esty Heller’s “This Is Crazy” article about how chassan-kallah gift giving has gotten out of control was unfortunately not exaggerated at all, at least not in the heimish/chassidish crowd.

As a friend of a “new mechuteneste,” I can tell you that the amount of time, effort, money, and thought that goes into these gifts isn’t to be believed.

The minute Pesach was over (gift: diamond watch), came Lag B’omer (gift: designer wallet), then Shavuos (gift: silver vase), after which came graduation trip (gift: designer travel bag), then graduation (gift: vuchen watch) and a birthday (vuchen bracelet). And that’s where we’re holding as of this minute, but Shabbos Nachamu is on the horizon.

Let’s not complain how expensive marrying off children is!

M.B.

Don’t Publicize It [To Be Honest / Issue 903]

Thank you, Esty Heller, for talking about such an important topic. Presents received during engagement have gotten insane (for lack of a better word). Recently, Lag B’omer and Shabbos Nachamu have become a “Yom Tov” for gift-giving. It’s really a pressure on both sides. Also, if what one gets from a chassan/kallah during engagement and after that isn’t the “norm” (ring, bracelet, watch etc.) why does “everyone” have to know about it?

There has been a lot of talk and magazine articles about how making even the simplest wedding is quite expensive. So why up the ante and make it more? If someone does have the means to buy more, then great. If not, then there shouldn’t be any pressure.

We’re raising a generation of chassanim and kallahs that are spoiled, and if this is the case during engagement, then they will expect even more during marriage for every silly occasion. One week, month, year anniversary. Yom tov, birthday, and any other time we can think of.

Parents of both chassan and kallah, here is a suggestion: Instead of buying all these gifts, save the money for when the chassan and kallah really need it. For example, buy them a bedroom set, a dining room set, and other real necessities. Don’t go into debt “because everyone else is.” Stop the trend and everyone will be just as happy.

Someone Who Cares

It’s Got to Stop [To Be Honest / Issue 903]

Kudos to Esty Heller for writing about a truly serious issue, with a fantastic sense of humor. I hope it’s just the start of a lot more discussion regarding chassan/kallah gifts. I recently listened to a Yiddish podcast and the subject was finances. Do you know the number one financial situation people collect tzedakah for? That’s right... marrying off a child! This is not a new issue. My oldest is married almost 16 years. The engagement was nine months long. It was insane! I mean seriously... a Lag B’omer gift?! What is this world coming to? This has to stop. The cost of living has risen by leaps and bounds. People can’t afford for this to continue. There was the first family who took a singer with a one-man band. There has to be a first who stops this insanity, too!

E.K.

Staten Island, NY

It’s Their Tafkid [Inbox / Issue 903]

I’d like to comment on the letters who claimed that women are too often passed over for promotion. One letter writer from Lakewood even wrote that she understands that the men put in many more hours. And in that lies the answer.

I recall a friend of mine from a large out-of-the-Tristate city telling me that we don’t realize how lucky we are in Lakewood. It is understood in many frum offices that women will cut their hours when they have children. Some offices subsidize “between camp and school” day camps so the women don’t need to take off or bring their children to work. Your boss may not be happy, but there’s definitely more tolerance if a female employee needs to take off to be with a sick child.

Men, on the other hand, are in for the long haul. It’s their tafkid to bring home parnassah. Companies that offer team-building trips for men know this. (By the way, my husband, who has worked as a professional in a number of frum offices, was never “zocheh” to any of the perks you mention, nor those that you didn’t mention, so don’t think it’s everyone — not by a long shot.) And really, which woman has time to go on a ski trip? There’s supper to make, laundry to fold, and children to put to bed.

A woman’s primary role is her family, even if she has a high-powered job. So don’t feel bad, feel proud. As a smart friend lamented, “My mother-in-law sure asked about my earning power, but I can guarantee she has no idea if I can cook dinner.” How sad that we women became feminist and don’t even know it.

Name Withheld

A Voicing for the Voiceless [Lifetakes / Issue 902]

Thank you, Tziporah Brandweis, for your beautiful Lifetakes, “The 41st Day.” Thank you for sharing the most raw, wrenching, and vulnerable moments of being single, without whitewashing. Yes, like everyone insists on telling us, many of us do make the most of every day. But yes, some days are brutal, and recognizing and sharing this is what keeps many of us going. I’ve copied your article and shared it with many others who have derived so much chizuk from your words, Tziporah. Yes, our struggles are great; yes, Hashem is greater; and yes, both of those truths can exist in a painful, comforting, confusing mixture in our hearts.

Name Withheld
UK

Blurring the Fine Line [Manipulated / Issue 902]

I’d like to thank you for opening the much-needed conversation with the feature article “Manipulated”.

I believe that the struggle with healthy boundaries in our community is very much rampant, considering how close-knit we can be.

I’ve unfortunately been there and I’d love to say that I’ve figured out the healthy boundary in the specific relationship I am speaking of.

My “Chaya” first presented as a nice, giving, and helpful neighbor. We had a great relationship, we respected each other’s space, and didn’t overburden each other. Until.

It all began after she moved.

The move was difficult for her, and she used me as her coping mechanism 24 hours a day. She called incessantly. If I didn’t answer my cell phone, she’d try me on my house phone, and if I didn’t respond, she’d leave voicemails. When the mailbox filled up (all from her!), she’d call back and tell me I had to empty my mailbox for her. When I finally did respond to her phone calls, for the first 20 minutes I’d get a speech asking me why I didn’t answer right away, why I’m not there for her, and how much she needs and misses me.

The light bulb moment for me was noticing how I felt after I spent time with her. I always felt depleted, drained, and stuck.

I have stories that can fill a book of the weird and inappropriate favors she would ask of me, not allowing me to protest.

I’m aware that I possess a friendly, giving persona that can attract such behaviors, and it was eye-opening when I noticed this pattern with more than just this one relationship in my social circle.

I’m still on a journey to figure out a healthy way to set boundaries, and I appreciate the open discussion.

Yes, we are a nation of chesed and giving of ourselves, but it needs to be in a healthy manner. Let’s not let the fine line between chesed and being used get blurred.

H. F.

Brooklyn

Crucial Point [Inbox / Issue 901]

A letter a few weeks ago on the issue of appropriate boundaries in the workplace made a point so crucial, it should be given more attention. The letter writer advised discussing all issues with daas Torah, providing the example that when her request not to be referred to with her first name was ignored, she was advised to drop it, as harping on the issue was a bigger breach in tzniyus than being called by her first name.
So while I second the motion to consult with a rav, I feel the example she used needs to be highlighted.
Tzniyus is a delicate, subtle, and most importantly, quiet thing. Trying to squeeze it too tightly may actually crush it.
Of course, instances of actual halachah may require us to go so far as jumping out the window (yichud), but the shouting and arm waving needed to enforce our self-imposed gedarim can often be a much greater breach in tzniyus than what we are trying to enforce. This applies to parenting, family, and social interactions as much as the workplace.
It never hurts to ask a rav before making a stink.

Penina S.

A Huge Difference [Falling Short / Issue 900]

I appreciated the article on growth hormones. I was lucky to have one child go through the shots and am now dealing with my next child having them. I feel that it can really impact a child’s social-emotional development, especially as the child reaches the teen years and their classmates have huge growth spurts and go through a quirky stage to which they can’t relate. I saw what a difference it made in my child’s social-emotional development, and I can’t stress enough what a positive impact it had for my child. I strongly implore all mothers to consider it if their child is falling off the growth charts. And don’t wait for your pediatrician to bring it up. Often by the time the pediatrician brings it up, you’re on the late end of getting started and there’s a time factor — your child may no longer be eligible as his/her bones will have closed and there will be no more opportunities for growth.

Name Withheld

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 905)