“She wants to tell people the warning signs of a manipulator. I’d like her to also be able to recognize the signs of a people pleaser”

Self-Centered and Un-Jewish [Manipulated / Issue 902]

Your feature article “Manipulated” was very disturbing. Somehow, somewhere, we seem to have replaced our Jewish identity as “rachmanim, gomlei chasadim” with a self-care focused, therapeutic model. A righteous woman once commented, “Savlanus begins   when you run out of patience, and chesed begins when it’s no longer convenient.” Our great people became great by giving, by stretching themselves to help others.

“Chaya” is not a good person to count on in a healthy relationship. But she, and her daughter, are alone and needy, despite their poor social skills. (Are we only meant to do chesed with pleasant, healthy people?) She reached out for help that she seems to really need, without considering the needs of the giver. As anyone involved in chesed organizations can attest, it’s not unusual for people in pain to become self-absorbed and not consider the impact of their actions on the people helping them. That is part of doing chesed. And yes, part of that is weighing how much you can handle without it affecting your family or overwhelming you.

It’s perfectly appropriate to be unable to cosign a loan, or set other boundaries. But the author instead discovers through the wisdom posted online that she has been “manipulated.” I assume, by the same measure, any time we do chesed, we’re being “used”… and so concludes the story by “heroically” blocking Chaya’s number. Close call! She almost (shudder) had to help a single mom who needs her (twice a year?).

I understand that you’re presenting a personal narrative, but by featuring this as your cover article, and publishing it in first person, you’re promoting this self-centered viewpoint to your readers, who now consider it valid and even praiseworthy.

C. Schwartz

People Pleasing Is a Problem [Manipulated / Issue 902]

I’m writing about the woman who was manipulated by “Chaya.”

It was an interesting read and I’m sure it was very enlightening to many.

However, the black-and-whiteness of it, the way a human was labeled, is problematic to me.

A situation like this is a dynamic relationship, with each side contributing to it.

The protagonist frequently mentions that she’s a “people pleaser.” I feel that not enough importance was given to this fact and how it contributed to the dynamic described.

To be clear, Chaya shouldn’t have kept on asking for favors without reciprocating. She should have taken cues and heard hesitation and backed off. However, we aren’t told very much about Chaya’s circumstances. Perhaps she was doing the best she could. Chaya did ask for a lot of big, inappropriate favors, but she didn’t do anything worse than that. This article portrays her as some kind of pathological monster. She might have just been a single mother under pressure with somewhat undeveloped social skills! The pathologizing of Chaya is unnecessary and unhelpful.

It’s not right for someone to say yes to every request and then become annoyed at the person for asking. Who knows; if the protagonist could have been clear and honest right from the start with her expectations and limitations, perhaps the requests would have slowed down.

When Chaya was looking for a man to help build a succah, the protagonist didn’t have trouble looking away. Apparently, she knew it wasn’t something she could expect of her husband.

Her inner work would be to recognize that her limits and her needs are just as valid as her husband’s. Once she’s able to do that, she’ll be able to do chesed with a full heart and have compassion when she knows she needs to (or has permission to) say no.

The writer says that she wants to tell people the warning signs of a manipulator. I’d like for her to also be able to recognize the signs of a people pleaser and the challenges it can land her in. And most of all, to know that there is so much healing available for both sides.

Tzipora Schiffer, LCSW
Monsey, NY

The Power Back to Me [Manipulated / Issue 902]

I found the story you printed about a woman who was manipulated by a neighbor to be informative and illuminating. As I read Dina Cohen’s article, I found myself squinting at some of the behaviors that were labeled as red flags, thinking, “Really? Isn’t this a bit much? We don’t have to label and pathologize everything.” But then, when I reached the ending of the article, in which her friend asked her to cosign on a rental apartment, I understood the wisdom of pointing out all of those red flags.

Her story reminded me of one of my own: Years ago, I had a coworker who was very difficult to work with. Although we were members of different teams, we often collaborated on large projects. Inevitably, our collaboration was a frustrating experience. “Deb” would miss deadlines, mangle requirements, or shift work onto my plate — and all this was accompanied by complaints and subtle undercurrents of accusations. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying anything; Deb had a lot going on at home, caring for her elderly mother, and a full workload.

Working with her, I would vacillate between feelings of guilt and frustration as we missed important deadlines, or delivered a product that wasn’t as strong as the client deserved. I would race to pick up the slack or accommodate her last-minute request; I’d bite my tongue when she would insinuate that a missed deadline was due to an email that had taken me a day to answer (ignoring the report she’d sent in a week late) or when she would ask me to send her — for the umpteenth time — a specs list she should have known by heart, for an overdue project. I’m not a very assertive person, and I’m also a bit of a people pleaser, so I’d do my best to push the project forward while inwardly seething.

Like Dina, I, too, had a lightbulb moment when reading an article about manipulation. Suddenly, so many interactions were reframed, and I understood that she was being manipulative: The fact that every meeting had to be on Deb’s terms — at a time that worked for her, via the medium she picked. That she’d often explain why she couldn’t complete a part of a project because she’d cared for her mother the night before, and so I’d excuse her and do her part. That she’d blame me for a missed deadline when it was actually her fault.

Realizing that Deb was acting in a manipulative manner gave me the flash of clarity I needed to proceed. Unlike Dina, who blocked her neighbor’s number, I couldn’t cut a coworker out of my life; nor did I need to. Instead, understanding that these tactics were manipulative helped me gain the emotional distance I needed to act correctly. Once I was able to evaluate scenarios objectively, without my perception being colored by tactics designed to tug at my emotions, I was able to determine the correct course of action and then act on it, without guilt. Sometimes that meant covering for Deb; at other times, it meant acknowledging that I’d done my part, and I couldn’t control or cover for someone else’s behavior. Gaining the clarity to recognize manipulative actions robbed them of their power — and gave the power back to me.

Name Withheld

41sters [Lifetakes / Issue 902]

Tziporah Brandweis, the world needs more of your writing. Your Lifetakes — about waiting a very long time for your zivug, even after doing 40 days of a segulah, and how you realized on the “41st day” that Hashem is in charge and knows exactly what He’s doing — took my breath away, quite literally. I read it on a bus and without meaning to, let out a whistle when I finished. (Luckily, no one was sitting within earshot.) Your story is our story because we all meet Hashem on the 41st day in our own way. (For example, as I write this, today is the 288th day of our brothers and sisters held hostage in Gaza.) Tziporah, may your story have a happy ending soon (rather, a happy beginning of finding your zivug), and may our nation’s story have a happy ending soon.

A Fellow 41ster

It’s a Professional Discipline [Hit or Miss / Issue 901]

Thank you for your article on business coaching. It’s wonderful to see the value of this profession highlighted through the various examples and testimonials.

However, I’d like to address an important point that seems to have been missed. Business coaching is not just about having business experience or being a successful entrepreneur. It’s a professional discipline that requires specific training and mastery of coaching competencies. Sadly, many individuals claim to be coaches without the proper credentials, leading to subpar experiences for clients.

Beyond competencies, effective coaching involves various methods and tools tailored to the client’s needs. This can include co-coaching and team coaching, which add further dimensions to the coaching process.

To ensure you’re getting the full benefits of coaching, it’s crucial to work with coaches certified by recognized organizations like the International Coach Federation (ICF). The ICF sets rigorous standards and upholds the core competencies that make coaching effective. For more information, you can visit their website.

Proper training in coaching is just as essential as any other profession. You wouldn’t trust your health to an untrained doctor, so why settle for less with your business growth? Let’s ensure coaching remains a profession of integrity and high standards.

André Politzer,

Managing Partner, Executive-Coach and Conflict-Resolution Mediator
Majestery LLC

We Need More Like Her [Tempo / Issue 901]

I recall that there was once a Kichels comic about mythical creatures in frum life. When I read the fiction story, "Dreams Undone," about the engaged woman who found out her parents were getting divorced, I felt like the rebbetzin in the end of the story was one such mythical creature. A mentor/rebbetzin who offers on-target advice, support, and inner clarity — all for free? Where did she come from? And she even scheduled another appointment to speak to her the next week? Can someone please sign me up?

Don’t get me wrong — I think it would be incredible to create such support systems within the fabric of frum society, but from my experience, either you need to pay to talk to such a person, or the people you don’t pay tell you about the rules, but they don’t have the time to delve into your feelings and get in touch with your values and who you are.

This short story did not give a realistic portrayal of what is available for newlyweds (or anyone) in modern-day frum society. I loved the story, and it was a fun read, but I would have loved to see the main character really taking responsibility instead of waiting for an imaginary rebbetzin to fall from Shamayim to support her in her marriage. She could have signed up for the myriad of marriage courses advertised, read books, or hired a dating/marriage coach to get her past that hump. (Or start an organization to pay specially trained rebbetzins so they can give free mentoring with care. Anyone?)

Thank you for bringing to light an issue in our society so we can take a step back, be thankful for the marriage help that is available, and think of what we could do to make our communities stronger.

Name Withheld

My Neshamah Child [L’chayim, Chaim / Issue 901]

What an incredible article about little Chaim and his life-threatening health challenges. Shifra, your strength and love for your children is breathtaking. May HaKadosh Baruch Hu give you the ability to continue inspiring those around you ad meah v’esrim shanah.

On a tangential note, as a mother who made the extremely difficult decision to place my medically fragile child in a home, I feel it’s necessary to clarify for the readers who may be in similar situations that moving a child to a skilled nursing facility is not called giving up on your child. It can be the stunning acceptance and realization that the trajectory of my life is completely different than I ever imagined. And that Hashem may have chosen other shluchim to physically care for my child. This “neshamah child” will feel my love and dedication more than any other child.

Sometimes this may be the most heroic choice that a parent can make.

So to all you parents of medically fragile children, make the best choice that is right for you, your child, and your family. Caring for a medically fragile child at home is an incredible act of devotion. Placing a medically fragile child in a skilled nursing facility is an incredible act of devotion. Seek out daas Torah for guidance and trust yourself.

Sori Norman

Manchester, NJ

A Boys’ Club [Inbox / Issue 901]

I’m responding to the inbox letter titled “Including Women,” which talked about how in the interest of minimizing male and female interaction between staff members, sometimes women are left out of important decision-making discussions.

I was thrilled to see that someone brought up such a relevant and important point. I agree with everything she said. The reality is that while boundaries are important and necessary to maintain an appropriate standard of kedushah in the workplace, a byproduct of this is that women get left out of the conversation. Upper and middle management are typically a “boys’ club.” While the men (aka upper and middle management) enjoy skiing trips together or other outings/perks for the sake of team bonding, the women are, understandably, and correctly, not included.

Yes, the men work extremely hard, pulling insane hours and shouldering a lot of responsibility. However, women struggle to get promoted in these environments and often feel taken advantage of. Women in the frum workspace often feel like they’re seen as dispensable employees, on rotation from one to the next.

It’s only natural that men who aren’t used to socializing with women will consider their male coworkers/employees for promotions, or take their opinions more seriously than their female counterparts.

However, there are many women that want to take on a higher role both in their work and in the office environment as a whole. There needs to be a way to maintain our boundaries, but make the environment open for women to take initiative, be included, and considered for promotions.

I’m not a liberal or a feminist, but I’ve worked at enough frum companies to know that the frum professional workspace is somewhat hostile toward women. Not by fault, but by culture. Yes, there need to be boundaries, but we need to figure out how to create a more comfortable work environment for women in the frum workspace.

E. G.

Lakewood, NJ

With Open Arms [War Diaries / Issue 900]

As much as we are all aware of the lunacy happening on campuses everywhere, Rachel Diamond’s open letter to her professor at NYU in the war diaries took the awareness to a new level. From protecting her family by keeping them away from the graduation, to her bitter tears throughout the hateful speech of her self-hating Jewish professor, Rachel revealed just how dangerous the present situation has become at universities, and just about everywhere.

It’s the old, familiar Jewish playbook on repeat, but this time around there is a major difference — we have somewhere to go! We here in Israel will welcome all of you who can manage to make the move with open arms and as much help as possible.

Shulamit Freishtat, Jerusalem

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 903)