I encourage readers to not be the silent one, to show compassion and a gesture of kindness when it’s needed most.

One Tough Year [Not Yet Home / Issue 892]

I just want  to share how validating I found the article on newlyweds having a hard adjustment. I’m soon having my first anniversary, and it has been one tough year. Moving to Israel was a further challenge as well.

I’d been in shidduchim for many years and this was the last thing I expected. Seeing this article was proof that I’m not deficient or incapable, it’s just a fact of life that shanah rishonah is very, very hard. This is rarely acknowledged.

Yours sincerely,

Another Struggling Newly Married Woman

Isolated and Alone [Grieving / Issue 892]

Years ago, I, too, suffered a full-term stillbirth, when I was two days overdue. This happened on Erev Yom Kippur. I, like Esther, was elated and walked around in a bubble of pure jubilation during the pregnancy.

I was happy to read about the support she received. At the time, I was a pariah and all ignored my situation. It was devastating dealing with the loss, compounded with no acknowledgement from anyone. I encourage readers to not be the silent one, to show compassion and a gesture of kindness when it’s needed most.

Name Withheld

Not for Life [High School Forever / Issue 891]

The article on the lasting impression the high-school years make really resonated with me. I can finally say that over the last few years, I have stood up to my high-school “me.”

Even though socially I was one of the “in” girls, academically I was not “in” at all. I struggled with grades and really only wanted to have fun. I was under the impression teachers didn’t necessarily “like” the girls who weren’t “aleph shiur.” For many, many years I was haunted by my high school experience and thought it just wasn’t the right school for me.

Years later, after having four kids, and with the support of my wonderful husband, kids, and friends, I decided I’d try to go back to college. There was one obstacle: I had to get my transcripts from high school.

As I called my high school and spoke to the same woman from the office who years back had given me all my late notes, my hands were shaking and I was stuttering. To my shock, she was so nice to me and happy to hear my voice! As she opened my transcripts, she said the most shocking thing: “Wow, you have perfect grades to go to college.”

From that moment on, my memories from high school changed. I now think of my high school experience in a more positive light. I’ve also learned that the high school years are a very vulnerable time for kids, and really, those years won’t be perfect for anyone.

Baruch Hashem, I went to college, and graduated at age 35 with my master’s and a 3.9 GPA. Ladies, it’s never too late! Don’t let your high school experience define you for life.

E.B.K.

Text It [Inbox / Issue 891]

There was a letter from somebody who wants to find a way to make monetary discussions between a husband and wife less personal. I’ve found the most useful way to make difficult discussions less personal is to have them through text. This way, when you meet the person the issue was in the text, and it’s not here between you. You can be friendly and civil. I’ve had many very serious discussions and arguments in text and when I saw the person, the tension wasn’t there.

Marvin Melamed

We’re One Family [War Diaries / Issue 891]

I really appreciated the War Diaries featuring Keren Elkobi and her family’s experiences both on and after October 7. I was deeply touched, and pray that she and her family will be safe in their Sderot community going forward. I think it’s important for your magazine to keep featuring war stories like this one. We’re one family and we all need to keep this war first and foremost on our minds, in our hearts, and on our lips through daily prayer for the safety of the hostages and the families affected by the war.

There’s a special family here in Baltimore who has a display on their front lawn of a picture of every hostage, along with a daily updated count of days in captivity. When I drive by this home, I feel both a sense of sadness and a sense of pride, and I say a silent prayer for the hostages to be freed speedily. I’m grateful to have this daily reminder. These war stories help us feel more connected to the plight of the Israeli Jews during this current matzav.

May Hashem release the hostages speedily and may He bring peace to Eretz Yisrael.

Liz Rothstein

Baltimore, Maryland

A Sem Girl Speaks [To Be Honest / Issue 890]

I read the To Be Honest about whether young adults should study social work as a seminary student who has classmates all around me talking about going to school for social work next year. I’m also a seminary student who has had the experience being a client in therapy, and I’ve learned a thing or two along the way.

From my experience, the girls choosing social work as their career straight out of high school are often either arrogant or naive. Many of them haven’t ever been in therapy and have no idea what it actually is, which is why the decision seems simple to them.

Therapy isn’t “just listening.” It also isn’t like being a doctor who listens to the symptoms and doles out a prescription. Therapy is a complicated profession which mixes the use of skills and the use of the one thing no school can train you for, and that is your deepest self.

In order for therapy to be effective, the therapist must approach the relationship from a place of humility. Some girls going into this career have a savior mentality, others are in it for the money. Some view it as a simple job with skills they already have, others want to change the world. What’s generally missing is a sense of reality and a grounded perspective.

Furthermore, some of these girls fail to recognize that therapists carry a heavy burden, one that can only be sustained on a stable foundation. I don’t understand why some of my peers think they’re ready to take that on when some of these same girls don’t feel ready to get married yet! Apparently, they seem to think being a therapist and carrying someone else’s life’s challenges is an easier thing.

For many of us, our twenties are a time when we begin to learn who we really are. It’s also a time of many changes, as hopefully some of us are blessed to be getting married and having children. How in the world can men and women in the starting life stage support others while doing so much of the figuring out stuff?

I’m hoping this article is read by girls and helps them take a moment to pause and wonder, “Am I ready for this field?”

A Seminary Girl

Is it Age or Stage? [To Be Honest / Issue 890]

I really appreciate the responsible way in which Family First addresses mental health matters. I also appreciate the lack of euphemisms wherever possible, and I wonder if in Sarah Rivkah Kohn’s article she meant age or stage.

In the frum community age and stage are often interchanged in use, but not in belief.

I’m a 30-year-old single woman with an LCSW and have been practicing for seven years. If I had a sheitel or tichel on my head, I’d hear very little hesitancy in potential clients about my age. As I don’t, there are questions from them and their mentors about how qualified I am, since “you’re so young.”

Do they really mean young or do they mean single?

If we’re all on the page of youth: then yes, I think my 22-year-old self didn’t have the same wisdom as my 30-year-old self does.

If we’re really trying to say stage, then I beg to differ.

I personally do not practice couple therapy. That’s where I draw the line: I haven’t been married and I feel it’s fair that a couple get someone who has that frame of reference (and to anyone bringing a “proof” from some marriage pundits and therapists who never married… I never felt their work was as good as those who had.) But I’m an adult. And I can understand adults and lean in to their pain and feel compassion for struggle, be it depression or be it parenting or be it addiction recovery… and that shouldn’t be dependent on the ring on my finger.

S.L., LCSW

Sarah Rivkah Kohn responds:

Firstly, I’m overwhelmed with gratitude to the many letter writers who have taken the time to contribute their wisdom to this conversation. It’s been so helpful for me.

So just to clarify: I did mean age. I think the confusion arose because in the letters that followed my article many referenced their discomfort with things related to stage, but in my article and in quite a few of the letters, age was exactly what was meant.

However, I did appreciate the fact that you understand that stage can play a role. It doesn’t have to, but it can. And because in the frum world (Hey! Cultural competency also applies to our own!) stage plays a role, it would be absurd to fight the idea that it might be important to some.

Parenthetically, I sent the original article to a secular therapist who is a prominent player in the grief field and her response was fascinating. She shared that in her world, prime time for therapists is 25-50. Once she hit her late 60s, she found she got more speaking engagements and mentorship opportunities, but clients wanted someone younger. And now in her 70s, she appreciates the ability to do more of that, but finds it hard that clients dismiss her for her age when she has written books and scholarly pieces and is sought after on the stage….

She finished with this line: “I think both of our experiences are reflective of the world we live in and the values of that community. In mine, youth is everything. They’re leaders and they’re sought after for their change-making capacity. In your community, it is the elders who set the tone for change. I think the choices of who we look up to for perspective, which is what clients often seek in therapy when in pain, is very much influenced by the community we are in, which is why in your community, to a large degree, the younger clinician may fight for their relevancy.”

All About Skill [To Be Honest / Issue 890]

There has been much discussion about a therapist’s age and if it matters.

I’ve had therapists who were older and younger. My conclusion is that it isn’t age that really matters, rather the EQ of the therapist and their ability to hold complex and contradicting emotions without judgment.

I also found that when therapists were using modalities such as inner-child healing, hypnosis, EMDR, or IFS, age mattered less — it was about the level of the therapist’s skill.

A young therapist out of school will automatically have less experience and should take on less complicated cases just because of that, and then work themselves up.

Perhaps a suggestion for someone who wants to work with deeper feelings but is nervous about the “young” factor is to study some form of creative therapy — art therapy, music therapy, animal therapy, therapeutic journaling — or even consider giving classes in schools on tools to understanding self, social skills etc. The modality takes center stage during the session more than the therapist’s intuition.

Klal Yisrael needs good therapists. If someone has the inner kochos coupled with schooling and skills, why should they feel discouraged because of their age?

Name Withheld

A Dear Friend of Mine [Shift Down South / Issue 890]

Russy,

Your article about your grandmother Rebbetzin Estelle Feldman’s move to Atlanta, Georgia as a newlywed struck such a strong chord in my heart and memories. Much like your grandmother, who is a dear friend of mine, I also found myself as a new bride making my home in Atlanta, although your grandmother Estelle and I definitely got there from two entirely opposite directions: she from Boro Park, NY, and I from High Point, NC. She was the “Yankee” girl and I was the small-town southern girl, totally unaware of anything about being Jewish. I never would have noticed the signs on the water fountains because I assumed everywhere was segregated.

Eventually I ended up living about six houses away from your grandparents on Biltmore Drive. I also “marvel at the path Hashem paved” for my family. Without the unbelievable community created by your grandparents and their influence on my life, my entire family history may never have been the same.

Beverly Auerbach

Modi’in, Israel

Let’s Keep to our Lane [The Ball I Dropped / Issue 890]

Although I enjoy well written articles and powerful messages, I was disturbed by the piece by Toby Schorr in which she said she’d stopped making supper for her family. I don’t, by any means, judge the writer — she was dealing with medical challenges. She did what she had to do in her time of need. She rightfully put all her energy into what was important then.

What bothered me about it was the message the article conveyed to us readers, fellow Yiddishe Mammas. A Jewish woman’s priority is to care for her family, and one of their basic needs is nourishing meals. Hot cooked meals (and I don’t mean gourmet) shows care and fulfills the physical and emotional needs of a family. We mothers are responsible for the well-being of the future generations. Feeding our families is something which has been practiced by Yiddishe Mammas throughout all previous generations, and our reading material needs to support this.

Breine Zabner

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 894)