“What my parents instilled in us, in a very strong way, is that no matter where we are, we’re on shlichus and have a mission”

Proud to Be a Shluchah [Tempo / Issue 875]

Having grown up on shlichus in Copenhagen, Denmark, I was very interested to read Rochel Samet’s story “The Northern Lights,” about a family of shluchim who needed to move to get better care for a medically fragile child, and how the mother struggled with needing to give up her life’s work and adapting to a new reality. It’s a very well-written and emotionally compelling story.

I’d like to offer an additional perspective.

As a nation, our goal is to bring Mashiach. The Lubavitcher Rebbe revolutionized this idea by turning it into a worldwide campaign. He sent shluchim to the most far-flung places, to be there for every single Jew in whatever capacity they require.

Having grown up the way I did, in a place with no Jewish education, no easily available kosher food, no frum friends and being raised on the basis that we’re solely here to help others, instilled in me a lot of values and taught me how to live a rich life.

At the same time, what my parents instilled in us, in a very strong way, is that no matter where we are, we’re on shlichus and have a mission. We’re never put in a place “just because.” Wherever we find ourselves, we have something to accomplish in that place and circumstance, whether it be in Crown Heights, Lakewood, Denmark, or Greenland.

I left home at the age of 13 to go to high school in New York. It wasn’t easy and it came with its own set of challenges, but looking back, what stands out was the overwhelming feeling of pride that I was a shluchah. At home that meant talking to someone who never heard of Hashem, teaching adults alef-beis, having hundreds of people stream through my house every week and cleaning up after an event. In New York that meant smiling at the person walking down the street, having patience for my classmate who would annoy me, helping out my aunt, learning and listening in class and basically utilizing wherever I am and whatever comes up for good.

Life often throws surprises along the way, but when we’re strong in our belief and when we know with a certainty who we are, what we represent, and what we need to do, our ability to adapt to any life circumstance becomes a given. This also takes away any resentment toward others: There’s no competition since we’re all working together toward a shared vision. When we give it our all, we’re helping to complete our mission and bring us to the ultimate goal — the coming of Mashiach, may it be now!

Chava

Don’t Vilify ABA [Into Their Heads/ Issue 874]

As I read “Into Their Heads,” I was struck by Mrs. Edry’s sheer determination and perseverance to seek the best care for her children. From her initial fight with the New York Department of Education for her son to receive a sufficient education, to her consistent searching of novel protocols to facilitate the essential needs of her children, she clearly has proven to be an individual worthy of respect in many regards.

I was disturbed by her seemingly offhanded dismissal of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) as not only an emotionally harmful treatment, but an ineffective one as well. The article spoke of how Mrs. Edry observed ABA treatment to be “animal training” in addition to punishment seemingly utilized consistently, with the therapists creating no meaningful relationships with the children.

In reality, nothing could be further from the truth. Rather, her comments speak of an underlying lack of understanding of the field itself. ABA is essentially the science of why people do what they do, and with that knowledge in hand, practitioners can develop and implement programs to bring out the best version of a said individual. ABA is certainly not animal training, nor is punishment an effective technique used by practitioners (ruling out specific and rare circumstances).

As an ABA practitioner myself, I have worked with many children and many other practitioners, all of whom view developing a sincere and warm relationship with the children they work with as step one to effective treatment. I entirely believe that Mrs. Edry had encountered a practice replete with subpar therapists, but this instance is far from enough to invalidate the field scientifically proven time and time again to effectively treat ASD.

When one encounters a bad doctor, do they then go and speak against the current medical establishment as a whole, or rather do they understand that they found a bad doctor, move on, and try to find one who can understand and help with their personal needs?

Anonymous

Understandable Resentment [Second Guessing / Issue 874]

Personally, I’m absolutely horrified by how Nava treated Leah in this story, opening a playgroup like hers just with expanded hours, thereby “stealing” some of Leah’s clients, after Leah had trained Nava and acted as mentor. (Don’t worry, I do know it’s fictional.)

Nava went behind Leah’s back, at no point getting in touch with Leah to clear this with her. She knew very well that her actions were inappropriate, and I don’t believe that a person who acts in such an underhand way will see hatzlachah in their parnassah.

I think it’s fully understandable of Leah to resent Nava’s actions and feel negatively toward her. Honestly, I’m applauding her for restraining herself to that extent, and not telling Tamar the full backstory of how Nava betrayed her. If she chooses to go all the way, and give good references about her, it will be one of those “achieving Olam Haba in five seconds” moments.

Leah was being truthful in what she said. She really doesn’t know this Nava very well at all. The Nava she knew was a sweet, kind girl who gratefully appreciated her help and would never have acted in such an underhand manner. A Nava that would go behind her back, steal her clients and deceive her clientele isn’t the girl she knew.

Mirie C.

Lakewood, NJ

I Don’t Want Enemies [Second Guessing / Issue 874]

I wish everyone would understand and believe that parnassah comes from Shamayim.

Years ago, I moved to an up-and-coming neighborhood. I knew there was another person there in the same field as me, and I really don’t like enemies, so I didn’t advertise at all. I took a different job instead. After a few years, I saw that I really missed my former job. I knew that was where my talents lay. The newish neighborhood had already grown immensely and wasn’t quite new anymore, so I started taking jobs, without advertising — every job was through word of mouth.

But I know and understand that not everyone is on the same madreigah. And so presently, I won’t expand my business, even though there are enough customers in the neighborhood for many professionals in this field, because I don’t want any enemies.

Anonymous

Out-Of-Town History [Wait… You Live Where? / Issue 874]

Although your article on out-of-town communities states that the B’nai Israel Congregation of Norfolk was founded in 1946, it was in fact established in 1897 and was made up of frum immigrants from Russia and Lithuania.

In 1907, the shul hired a new rabbi — my great-grandfather Harav Yaakov Dovid Gordon z”l, who was serving as a rabbi in Chicago. He had immigrated two years prior from Kovno, Lithuania, after learning in Telz Yeshiva and receiving semichah from the Kovno Kollel. My mother a”h, his granddaughter, told me that he took diction lessons and learned how to speak English with a southern accent.

On May 22, 1927, Rabbi Gordon spoke at Norfolk’s Palestine Appeal Fund Campaign, in which the city’s Jews pledged to raise $20,000 (the equivalent of $335,000 today) to help poor and persecuted Eastern European Jews settle in Eretz Yisrael. According to the [non-Jewish] Virginia-Pilot newspaper, “a new Jewish homeland is rising in Palestine. Through modern agriculture and building methods, the land seared by centuries of Turkish misrule, is now dotted with flourishing farm colonies and up-to-date cities… the spirit of American enterprise and Jewish idealism have combined to produce one of the greatest miracles of the twentieth century — the return of the Jew to his own soil.”

Rabbi Gordon sailed to Eretz Yisrael in the summer of 1929 and was an eyewitness to the Arab riots in Yerushalayim. Upon his return to Norfolk, Rabbi Gordon gave a firsthand report to the Virginia-Pilot, which published an article entitled Norfolk Man, Back from Jerusalem, Tells of Rioting. Said Rabbi Gordon of the Arab riots, “There were evidences along the way that the final chapter had not been written.”

He was niftar on 23 Cheshvan 5708, November 6, 1947, and buried in Union Field Cemetery in Ridgewood, Queens. Out of deep respect for him, the Jewish and non-Jewish stores of Norfolk, Virginia remained closed for a half hour during the funeral in New York.

Tragically, his prediction after witnessing Arab violence in Eretz Yisrael in 1929 that “The final chapter has not yet been written” was eerily prophetic. Dozens of his Torah-observant descendants are presently in the IDF defending the very existence of Am Yisrael, some of them inside Gaza and in extreme danger. May the zechusim of their holy great-great-grandfather protect them from harm, and may we see the Geulah sheleimah b’karov.

Rachel Herskowitz

Lakewood, NJ

Off the Map [Wait… You Live Where? / Issue 874]

I’m stuck in a far-flung, remote out-of-town community for a few more years. I can count the frum families on one and a half hands. No high school, no restaurant, a real midbar. It’s not fun. I wouldn’t encourage Yidden to move to such an isolated place. It’s very lonely and sad.

Lonely

Everyone Is Someone [Wait… You Live Where? / Issue 874]

I really enjoyed reading this article about what it’s like living in an out-of-town community. I could totally relate, since I grew up in Ottawa, Canada, where every person really feels like they’re a someone. I loved it! I had a relatively small class (about 20 kids). No peer pressure, just a wonderful group of friends. No frum high school, so I had to go to live with my grandparents in Montreal at the age of 13.

My father z”l was the rabbi of our small community. There was one Shacharis, one Minchah, one Maariv. My father would often travel to Montreal to buy chalav Yisrael products, meat, and baked goods; for our Pesach order, he would drive to New York. There were no pizza shops or kosher restaurants back then.

It was a bit of a disappointment when I was a newlywed and my husband wanted to do something on Chol Hamoed evening, but the bowling alley had closed at six. I didn’t even realize how different the out-of-town life was until after I married and moved to New York.

Miriam Berkowitz

Beef Up Our Boys [Family Table / Issue 873]

Thank you for the beautiful article about a campaign to send beef jerky to our forces on the front, which was founded by Elisheva Rutenberg, Faigy Sorotzkin, and myself. The magazine went to print just at the time that I went independent from the others, using the name IBF — Israel Beef Forces — while Elisheva Rutenberg and Faigy Sorotzkin use the name Beef Up Our Boys.

Malkie Ogorek

Who Gains? [Inbox / 872]

Raizy C. argued that when the super wealthy lower their standards and make a simpler simchah for the sake of the community, their parents feel like strangers at the simchah, while their community members still view the lowered level of luxury at the simchah as something beyond their wildest dreams, so nobody gains.

Am I so hopelessly naive that I believe us Yidden are capable of more than that? Sure, there will always be emotionally handicapped people who will only feel comfortable at their children’s simchahs if the menu, decor, and entertainment is on par with their expectations. But can we be a little more generous and acknowledge that many people are quite capable of rising above that?

The same is true with those struggling financially. It’s true that for many, even a scaled-back luxurious wedding is far beyond their means. That doesn’t mean that most of those people are unable to fargin those who can afford it.

As to the question “who gains?” that’s an easy one. The middle class not only have a lower bar to keep up with, they see that scaling back is possible. The children of the baalei simchah have a more modest idea of what a simchah should look like and will hopefully be able to emulate that when they make simchahs. And the whole community receives a real-life training in what true class is all about.

Rachel M.

My Journal, My Best Friend [Family Reflections / Issue 871]

I’d like to compliment Sarah Chana Radcliffe on her article regarding the use of journaling as a tool for attaining awareness and emotional intimacy with oneself. Beyond that however, I personally think it’s one of the most effective coping strategies for processing intense emotions that have no healthy way to break through to the surface.

It’s been a long time since I read a “self-help” article that resonated so deeply with me. I never went to any “journaling workshops” nor did anyone ever suggest that I pursue it. However, when confronted with some extreme personal challenges in recent years, the “notes” folder on my phone became my best friend. It became a safe and private space to unburden myself of my pain in its rawest form. It also allowed me to be my own biggest cheerleader. Deep down, I was the one who really knew what I needed to hear in order to keep on going. I’d read and reread the chizuk I was giving myself until it became ingrained in my heart.

As Mrs. Radcliffe stated, it allowed me to become witness to my own experiences, supporter of my struggles and champion of my accomplishments. I don’t need this on a regular basis anymore, but it’s always available as a tool for me when I need it.

B.L.

Monsey, NY

Use the Opportunity [Second Guessing / Issue 870]

We’re all busy second guessing what the wife whose husband bought her jewelry that she didn’t like should have done. I’d like to share a tidbit of wisdom from my mother: “He must believe in his ability to make you happy.”

It’s true that your husband wants you to be happy, but that’s only half the equation. He wants to make you happy! That’s what gives him the greatest pleasure — and confidence — in the world. The problem starts when we repeatedly criticize and nitpick our husband’s efforts. After a while, he’ll give up and stop trying.

It’s possible that as a one-time thing it would be okay, but our default attitude should be gratitude and appreciation. Easier said than done, I know.

As far as it being “infantile” for a husband to feel bad that his gift didn’t go over well, as one Inbox writer suggested, dismissing anyone’s feelings as being “infantile” is abrasive and uncaring. Everyone has a right to have feelings. (Aren’t we really all infants at heart?)

And, just for perspective, let’s flip the scenario for a moment. You worked really hard arranging a surprise for your husband. You invested time, thought, energy and/or money to surprise your husband with something special. How do you feel when he lets you know he doesn’t like it. Maybe just a tad bad?

The good news is, we don’t have to guess. Ladies, here’s our chance! Casually bring up the conversation with your husband now. “There’s a whole back and forth now in the Family First. I wonder what you think. There was this woman whose husband surprised her with a gift she hated....” While keeping it theoretical and not personal, you’ll hear straight from him what to do if this ever comes up.

E.R.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 876)