“People talk, but in real life all I see is everyone doing what everyone else does”

My Marriage 101 [Inbox / Issue 872]

Following a story in which a woman chose to buy a new necklace when she didn’t like her husband’s gift for their son’s bar mitzvah, letter writer Bracha M. would love clarification about whether to have a conversation with her husband about her jewelry preferences. In response, I offer my own Marriage 101:

Sure, you have to be a mensch and have good middos in every relationship. If your husband dresses the little girls with the turtleneck on top of the jumpers instead of under the jumpers, when he visits you in the hospital after you’ve given birth — you say... nothing.

But it is demeaning for the woman to be asked to wear a bauble in public that does not reflect her look or style.

Worse yet, it is more demeaning to assume that the man will not be able to handle the disappointment of having selected a necklace that is not his wife’s taste. It is infantilizing the husband. And it is a form of manipulation on the part of the wife, a passive-aggressive way of being in control. A form of verbal bribery, with a hidden intention.

A Jewish marriage is built on honest communication and the expression of genuine feelings.

M.W.

Where Are You in Real Life? [Much Ado About Stuff / Issue 871]

I appreciated the panel discussion about indulging in our children’s need for gashmiyus. The back and forth was great, and I was happy to see that not everyone agreed with following the crowd and just buying kids whatever “everyone else” has. But where are you in real life? People talk, but in real life all I see is everyone doing what everyone else does.

Anonymous

Unwitting Amplification [Much Ado About Stuff / Issue 871]

I’ve never before limited my children’s access to Mishpacha or Family First. I have no problem letting my teenage daughter read about miscarriage, alcoholism, divorce, or war — she’s a smart girl, and I think she’s able to gain valuable information from such articles, and she knows she can always come to me with questions about any of it.  Your magazine has built my trust as a publication that provides honest information with a hashkafah that I feel comfortable letting into my home.

However, last week’s Roundtable discussion, “Much Ado About Stuff,” found me, for the first time, telling my daughter to stay away from a particular article. We’re raising our children to appreciate who they are, inside and out, with a heavy emphasis on the “inside.”  My kids don’t ask for so much in the way of “stuff” because it doesn’t occur to them to ask. We have gone out of our way to create a home full of simchas hachayim, while minimizing the importance of “stuff,” and for the most part, it has worked. I have no desire for my daughter to be made aware that there are arbitrary rules in our society that confer status on their followers. The right “look” or the right “stuff” somehow makes you a better person?! Are you kidding me? These are only the rules of the game if we agree to play!

My daughter is smart, kind, funny, and has a tight-knit group of close friends. She is, by and large, a happy girl. I don’t want her suddenly second-guessing her clothing choices (which we, by the way, let her make herself), or her choices of leisure activities to satisfy someone else’s idea of being “with it.” If she asks me for my opinion, I’ll give it in a thoughtful way, but at the end of the day, I let her make her own choices so that she can learn to honor her own sense of self. That will take her much further in life than stepping onto the never-ending hamster wheel of chasing the newest, coolest, and shiniest.

I realize that the intent of the article was to bring nuance and discussion to this loaded topic, and I appreciate the honesty it provided. But by giving voice to some of these less-than-ideal fears and insecurities, perhaps you are unwittingly amplifying the voices that aren’t so healthy?

As a side note, I was mystified the first time I heard a frum adult use the word “nerdy.” I hadn’t heard that word since elementary school! Now, I haven’t been in the secular world for a long time, but I’m pretty sure that most adults in the world at large don’t use that word because it’s a childish concept. And “in crowd” and a “nerdy crowd”?  How old are you? Maybe it’s time to move past this word and past this mentality.

Name Withheld

Give Materialism a Place [Much Ado About Stuff / Issue 871]

I’m chiming in to the discussion about materialism in our communities. I agree with the idea mentioned in the article that if 80 percent of children in your child’s class have something, you should get it for them. At the very least, if it is something strongly against your values or you cannot afford, provide them with full emotional support, understanding that it’s very difficult for a child to go to school each day not fitting in with the majority of the class.

Perhaps I’m able to say this because I live in an out-of-town community where the materialism isn’t over the top to begin with. But I think my real point is that instead of judging a child for wanting something materialistic in order to fit in, understand that this is a very normal, healthy need. Part of the reason the sense of boundaries in the non-Jewish world is out of control is because of the denial of a person’s desire to fit into society seamlessly. Instead, they’re putting extreme focus on individuality, which now makes it that anything goes and people can be “whatever they want to be.” When a child comes home saying, “But everyone has it” — don’t judge that. Help them figure out how they can fit in and contribute to their classroom culture. Point out the inner kochos they can use toward this cause, but don’t undermine the fact that sometimes a child will need the superficial external props to help them along their journey of finding their place. And that’s okay. Expecting a child to be above that isn’t realistic.

I feel like understanding this need will help cap materialism in places where it is out of control, because understanding it is like welcoming it and giving it a place, while judging it will leave it outside, continually knocking on the door, louder and louder.

E.H.

Grow to Hold the Light [Touch Base / Issue 871]

There was so much refreshing clarity in Rebbetzin Batya Weinberger’s latest column, and so many wonderful grounding sources.

In response to the question on how to balance knowing that Hashem loves us with what’s happening, I wanted to present the chassidic idea, which is that suffering is understood as a mismatch between great lights attempting to enter us and the smallness of our vessels. Why would Hashem send lights that are too big for us and thereby cause us suffering? Because the very suffering itself expands our vessels, enabling us to grow and be able to hold that light.

Baila Gitty Vorhand

Our Hearts Are with You [Mothering Under Fire / Issue 871]

Every time I read about women and mothers in Israel feeling that those of us outside of Israel aren’t worried or hurting, I feel terrible. I feel awful knowing that anyone would think our hearts don’t hurt, that we don’t think about what’s happening in Israel, that we don’t think about the worry and anxiety of those with sons, husbands, brothers fighting, and of the fear when running to bomb shelters.

I read with sadness in that interview with six mothers of soldiers that they think we can’t or don’t relate, and that we are sleeping and functioning as if nothing happened. I won’t say I can possibly feel what you who live there are feeling. I do have children living there, and family fighting. But even without that, my heart has been with you from that first awful morning. I didn’t sleep for weeks, I couldn’t go to work for weeks, I couldn’t cook meals for weeks. My heart trembles each morning in anticipation of what news I will see. I cry every time a soldier is injured or rachmana litzlan is taken from us. My heart is broken for those still being held hostage. I’m in pain for all the families. I’m not the same person I was, and I doubt I ever will be. I do my best to translate these feelings into things I can do such as davening, saying Tehillim, doing extra things as a zechus for everyone.

Please know that we do feel and care and hurt. You’re not alone.

R.

Brooklyn, NY

CORRECTION

An updated version of “On Your Mark: Dr. Gina Kirsch” (Issue 870) can be found online at Mishpacha.com

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 873)