“With siyata d’Shmaya and hadrachah, we are capable of raising confident children who don’t require all of the latest trends”

Not Being Nerdy [Much Ado about Stuff / Issue 871]

When I read your panel discussion about materialism, I thought that I had stumbled into the Purim edition. The discussion repeatedly encouraged providing more stuff to our children so as not to be nerdy. Let me get this straight... is not being nerdy Torah MiSinai? Is this the chinuch we want to encourage in our children? In ourselves? Isn’t this veiled sinas chinam — which has prevented the Geulah for more centuries than we want to admit?

With siyata d’Shmaya and hadrachah, we are capable of raising confident children who don’t require all of the latest trends (which we can no longer afford or keep up with). Look in the mirror — which traits are you modeling? Where are your values? What do you notice and admire in others? Their bank accounts? Their middos or chesed? Their commitment to Torah? Have we as a community become too judgmental? Be mindful of how you describe others. Our children take note — even when we aren’t paying attention.

Our generation’s nisyonos — such as bullying and the shidduch crisis — stem from our own ills, not from “the outside world.” We need to ask ourselves some uncomfortable questions. It is our job to rectify the situation through refining our values and sensitivities. We have sunk low enough!

Anonymous and Disillusioned

Who Gains? [Much Ado about Stuff / Issue 871]

I really enjoyed the conversation about getting (or not getting) our children “stuff.” The topic is familiar but the opinions were fresh and insightful. Of particular interest to me was the question whether we bear communal responsibility when choosing a standard for our simchahs.

I live in a community that has an unusual mix of socioeconomic levels. There are several mega-wealthy members, many who barely make it through the month, and some in the middle who can afford their simchahs by pinching the rest of the year.

I’ve noticed that the very wealthy members of the community make a concerted effort to plan simchahs that are way below what they can afford. I know that sometimes, their parents and siblings are even embarrassed when they attend — the flowers seem pitiful, the hall is far from what they deem presentable, the food presentation and quality not remotely what they are used to. They grin and bear it but they don’t feel at home at their own child’s simchah.

At the same time, for the struggling members of the community, these simchahs seem completely unattainable and unimaginably luxurious — who can even dream of fresh flowers when you can barely cover your electric bill?

I leave these simchahs feeling confused. The baal simchah, with all the best intentions, chose to lower their standard because they don’t want to stress the community. As a result, their parents and family feel like strangers at their own child’s simchah. And the struggling community members still see those simchahs as beyond their wildest dreams. So who gains?

Raizy C.

Priorities Lost [Second Guessing / Issue 870]

I’d like to comment on the recent article about the young woman and the necklace her husband bought her that she didn’t care for, so she went out to purchase another and chose to wear that instead.

I hope no one lost their balance over my eye-rolling.

I must admit that I had a very hard time relating to this because I’m married to someone who has bought me some of the most beautiful jewelry in the world, with the emphasis on the word “some.”

The lady in the story may have the necklace of her choice. It was just the wrong choice.

I’ve got a better idea.

Why not learn to love it? We all manage to do that when the designers put their initials on it or it’s the style.

I actually feel sorry for this young lady. That’s the last time her husband is buying her anything.

She may have gained a necklace.

She has, sadly, lost her priorities along the way.

Sarah Spero

Baltimore, Maryland

Just Tell Him [Second Guessing / Issue 870]

One of the qualities of an eishes chayil is batach bah lev baalah, she has a husband whose heart is secure in her. A husband has to be secure in the knowledge that he is able to make his wife happy. How does this happen? When a wife informs her husband what she wants or needs to be happy, her husband knows exactly what to do!

I was cheering for the protagonist when she wrote about using her binah yeseirah when asking her sister-in-law where to buy the earrings she admired. Her husband knew what to buy her and where to find them. He was so happy to make her happy. But instead of utilizing this binah yeseirah with the bar mitzvah necklace, she effectively prevented her husband from making her happy by accepting a piece of jewelry she wouldn’t have chosen.

More than a woman wants to be happy, her husband wants to make her happy. Why not communicate gently but explicitly and clearly? Husbands aren’t mind readers!

Rivkie Schecter

Chicago, IL

Who’s Right? [Second Guessing / Issue 870]

I was laughing after reading this story because my husband and I were just discussing this exact topic. Baruch Hashem I’m just after birth and my husband wants to buy me a piece of jewelry. I’d taken Rebbetzin Wachsman’s shalom bayis class and she seemed to say (although I’d love to clarify with her) that you should just say thank you for whatever your husband gives you as a gift.

My husband and I got into a whole discussion about what he felt about that and whether he’d feel rejected if he bought a piece of jewelry and I’d want to exchange it. He said that he assumes that if he was buying a piece of jewelry, especially a super expensive one, I’d want the option to exchange!

So when I was reading this story and the husband said, “If you don’t like it, we can totally exchange…” and then the wife keeps it anyway, hates it, and doesn’t wear it, instead wears something else, making her husband feel bad, I wanted to scream. Like, hello, he would be happy for you to exchange it!

My marriage classes seemed to teach me otherwise… that I should pretend to like and keep whatever gift my husband gets me…. So who’s right? Would love clarification on this topic.

Bracha M.

Simple Changes, Big Difference  [Clean Break / Issue 870]

I was gratified and not at all surprised to read Shterna Lazaroff’s important awareness-raising account of the woman who finally had a successful fertility treatment cycle following the elimination of chemical toxins from her environment and diet. These chemicals are significant contributors to hormonal imbalance, and their elimination as part of other efforts often results in increased odds of success in hormone-related fertility issues or optimizing treatment success.

I’ve noticed an overall unfortunate lack of awareness in the frum community regarding the dangers of common environmental and dietary toxins and their effects on hormone balance, fertility and egg quality, PCOS, pregnancy health, and cancer risk. There is well established research linking these chemicals to endocrine disruption, and those choosing to try to limit their exposure are wise. Many of these chemicals, including phthalates and glyphosate, are banned in Europe, and to some extent in Canada, but there are currently no restrictions at all in the US.

Ironically, individuals who embark on a well-intended healthful eating plan for hormone-related purposes often unknowingly increase their exposure to pesticides, PCBs, and other known endocrine disruptors that heavily contaminate nonorganic produce, farmed salmon, and water. It is integral for those working to optimize hormone balance to educate themselves on the day-to-day practicalities of reducing exposure in the easiest and most manageable way possible. It’s not at all out of reach for most people to make simple changes to their lifestyle to reduce their exposure to whatever extent possible.

Tamar Feldman, RDN CDCES

Not Seeking Support [Venn / Issue 869]

I always enjoy Family First fiction, and Venn, about a family’s reactions as one family member struggled with severe depression, was no exception. I appreciated the nuanced development of each of the main characters, and how they each responded to extremely challenging circumstances. I just wasn’t sure where the writer was going with it until the end, and had to read the last section again so it could sink in — and that’s when I really appreciated the story.

In 2023, it’s very unpopular to keep personal challenges private, and our communities have built wonderful support systems to help families in crisis. Chaim and Henny were surrounded by a loving family who would have doubtlessly mobilized to help them through Chaim’s depression, and would have done so willingly and happily.

What’s not given enough airtime, in my opinion, is the idea that Chaim tried so hard to get across to his wife Henny: The only thing that is motivating him to go through the excruciating process of trying every avenue to get better is the hope that if and when he pulls through, he will still have his dignity intact. Yes, that made it much, much harder for them in the short term, but that very same hardship is what planted the seeds for really putting the crisis behind them once the worst was over. They weren’t neglecting his illness, nor her emotional well-being (she was in therapy). Tthey were doing everything they could on that front, while opting for a more difficult route to a more wholesome future.

This doesn’t work for everyone, and it likely wouldn’t have worked for Chaim and Henny, if the situation had been chronic, over many years. Not everyone has the inner strength and stamina to shoulder the excruciating burden on their own, and others reach out for the help before thinking through the long-term ramifications. But it is a valid approach; I’m aware of real-life situations with similar circumstances, where the vision of a stigma-free future is what dictated how the families operated during the crisis, and indeed today they are thriving in a way that wouldn’t be possible had they gone the “support” route.

Chani R., Monsey

It’s OUR Problem [The Scenic Route / Issue 861]

I’ve been privileged to take a journey down the scenic route, too, and have also been gifted the attitude of gratitude adopted by the wonderful writer of this diary serial about infertility. While most of what I read resonated and I appreciated the microphone given to our necessarily quiet voice, there was one thing that bothered me as inaccurate.

In this world of couples who are journeying down the scenic route, I’ve encountered very many wonderful people. This subcommunity has quite a few beautiful qualities — they’re welcoming, sympathetic, encouraging, and humorous people. The quality that struck me the most, however, was the oneness of a couple. Couples experiencing infertility are a WE, an US. Problems are OURS, so are treatments. I find this so refreshing and inspiring.

When I read about Chava meeting a friend at the clinic who wished she could tell her mother-in-law that “her son is the one with the problem,” I cringed. While this person may have felt that way, by and large journeying couples would never have such an attitude.

With the opportunity to give the general frum world a peek into infertility comes an immense responsibility to portray it accurately.

Thank you,

Another Traveler

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 872)