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Family First Inbox: Issue 858

“Penny-pinching is a personality trait. It masquerades as principled and frugal. But it has little to do with the economic resources available”

It’s a Character Trait [Inbox / Issue 856]

In her response to the Matchquest column, in which a young woman suspected a young man she was meeting of being close-fisted, the letter writer from Jerusalem said that she would advise the girl not to throw away a wonderful boy over half a bottle of Snapple. “Are you prepared to live a kollel lifestle?” is what she would ask the girl.

I would advise the girl to proceed with caution. Behavior like this on a date is a red flag. It might even be a stop sign.

Penny-pinching is a personality trait. It masquerades as principled and frugal. But it has little to do with the economic resources available. Millionaires can be mingy.

Being married to a tightwad isn’t fun. Every minor expenditure is accounted for. Credit card bills are scrutinized. Nothing is overlooked. A bit of joy is sucked out of every Shabbos, Yom Tov, and family simchah.

A respected, frum marriage counselor once disclosed that money attitudes are the single, largest cause of marital strife.

I’d sign my name, but I have grandchildren in shidduchim.

Old Geezer from Brooklyn


Help Is Just a Phone Call Away [Beyond Blue / Issue 856]

I want to express my heartfelt gratitude to you for shedding light on the critical subject of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, as well as postpartum psychosis. We at Tikvaseinu extend our deepest appreciation to the incredibly courageous women who shared their stories. Their willingness to share will undoubtedly benefit countless others, demonstrating that what they’re going through need not be an isolating or shameful experience.

At Tikvaseinu, we consider it both an honor and a privilege to serve the women in the greater Monsey community as they navigate the challenges of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. With the steadfast support and exceptional guidance of Tamar Gottlieb and Mindy Karmel from Yad Rachel, our Tikvaseinu team has received invaluable training in operating an effective helpline. This enables us to ensure a seamless and expedited process for women to access the clinical care they require, preventing unnecessary suffering.

Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs) are prevalent, but most importantly, they’re highly treatable. At Tikvaseinu, we understand your pain and the immense challenges the perinatal period can bring. More importantly, we know how to help. Receiving the proper care is just a phone call away.

Thank you once again for raising awareness and for your ongoing support.

Elke Pollak

Founder and Director



Yapping vs. Lapping [SisterSchmooze / Issue 856]

I always enjoy seeing what the Sisters are up to! The recent “Schmooze” on the swimathon brought back memories.  Five years(?) ago, when they first wrote about swimming across the Kinneret, the Sisters used the term “yappers” instead of lappers. They were referring to training seriously in the pool as opposed to socializing.

At the time, one of my granddaughters was trying to improve an aspect of her behavior, and I was trying to be a supportive Savti. I’d just read the article and explained to her the difference between talking about taking action and actually working on something. On subsequent phone calls I would often ask her if she’s yapping or lapping. We still sometimes refer to the concept in the same way. She has baruch Hashem matured and grown into a lovely teen.

This is just one example of the many ways Mishpacha and Family First have impacted the lives of your readers that the writers don’t even know about. Thank you, Sisters!

Debby Levi


Even a Chassan [Parshah / Issue 856]

In her Parshah column, Mrs. Peritzman wrote, “We may think that conquering Eretz Yisrael takes precedence over our personal vineyard or home... Yet the Torah instructs these men: Go home!”

However, most commentaries explain that this parshah is not talking about a milchemes mitzvah! To conquer Eretz Yisrael (which is definitely a milchemes mitzvah), even a groom must leave his chuppah to fight.

Name Withheld


Even if the Shidduch Fails [Modern Etiquette / Issue 853]

With regard to modern etiquette, there is one area that was overlooked and should be mentioned. When it comes to shidduchim, it’s proper to send a gift (preferably money) to a shadchan who invested time, effort, and talent into setting up a couple. In the current shidduch system, shadchanim are only rewarded when they accomplish something that’s kasheh k’Kri’as Yam Suf, as difficult as splitting the Red Sea. It behooves all who use the shadchan’s time to send a gift regardless of whether or not the shidduch was successful or whether or not she managed to get you or your child the date she spent time working on.

Aside from showing hakaras hatov, this can enable the shadchan to continue doing her avodas hakodesh. Every shadchan has gotten to where she is because she’s a baalas chesed who wanted to help people. With her hatzlachah, word gets around and then snowballs into a situation that isn’t sustainable unless there’s parnassah involved. A shadchan works all hours of the day and night without compensation for most of the time she invested.



(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 858)

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