“Is seminary really all about priming future kollel wives?”

Seminary Isn’t Only about Kollel [Soft Landings / Issue 849]

I really enjoyed and appreciated the various responses to the mother whose daughter needs to find her footing after a year of seminary. I noticed, however, that almost all the responses implied that the main takeaway from seminary is the primacy of kollel. Am I the only reader who found this slightly disturbing and unrealistic?

In my experience, seminary is about much more than kollel. I don’t mean to downplay kollel here — it is a privilege and a gift for any couple that can make it work, for however long they can make it work. But seminary can and should give a girl ambitions in ruchniyus that will carry her forward regardless of whether her husband finds his life’s calling inside the beis medrash. In fact, it should give her a sense of purpose and identity regardless of her marital status.

When seminaries empower students to build a “Torah home,” or to “devote their lives to Torah,” they surely aren’t limiting that vision to a home where the husband learns three sedorim a day. Our seminary principals and teachers are smart and realistic, and they know that for many students, kollel is a temporary gift. Their vision for a Torah home is broader and deeper than that, and the tools and understandings they give their students surely serve them in the long-term, whether or not they are able to maintain the kollel lifestyle.

I believe that many of our seminaries are succeeding in this mandate, and that is why I was puzzled and confused by the responses in your piece. Is seminary really all about priming future kollel wives?

Name Withheld

Seating Arrangements [I Am Not a Crisis / Issue 849]

Having been an older single and also an almanah for many years before I remarried, I would like to comment on just one topic that Miriam (Pascal) Cohen addressed in her beautifully written, well-thought-out article, I Am Not a Crisis.

When you make a simchah, it’s so important to call an older single, almanah, or divorced person, etc., ahead of time and ask whom they would like to be seated with. Make your seating arrangements around them and not the other way around. You have no idea how much this means to people already going through a challenging time to know you’re not an afterthought in the seating process, but that the hosts truly care that you will be seated at a table where you will feel comfortable.

Rebecca (Feldbaum) Steier

Written for Me [In the Cocoon of Challenge / Issue 849]

The recent article about Rebbetzin Ruthie Halberstadt’s experiences with hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) spoke straight to my soul. I’m currently suffering this reality. Worse, it came as a massive (unwelcome) surprise suddenly now, with kein ayin hara our fifth baby, after having not even a hint of sickness with any other pregnancy.

Rebbetzin Halberstadt said, “I’ve found that most women who suffer from HG are a type — Type A that is. Go, go, go, can do it all, can be it all. For me, HG made me stop and just be. It gave me permission to value myself when I felt like I was literally doing nothing.”

This excerpt felt like it was written with me in mind. I’m healthy, young, and active. I’ve never needed to compromise on anything, and now I feel like I’m nothing but a pile of compromises.

Being forced to take steps back and allow my beautiful and supportive family and community help take care of me has been a lesson in humility.

I wanted to extend my gratitude to Rebbetzin Halberstadt for her bravery and very important life lesson, and to Esther Kurtz for putting her words out to the world for me to find in the week I desperately needed to hear them.

Aliza H.

Ramat Beit Shemesh

Putting Mindset in Its Place [In the Cocoon of Challenge / Issue 849]

I would like to clarify some important points regarding hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) in regards to Rebbetzin Ruthie’s article.

As a survivor of severe HG myself and a Patient Advocate for the Hyperemesis Education and Research Foundation, I work daily with women who are both currently battling HG as well as preparing for future HG pregnancies, and guide them to the most effective and safe medical options to discuss with their doctors. I emphasize the many aspects of preparation that must be considered, as HG affects every aspect of a woman’s life: physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, marital, family, and social.

HG is a potentially life-threatening disease with a genetic cause that requires aggressive medical treatment. HG is on a spectrum from mild to severe, and in all categories a woman is limited in her ability to eat, drink, and function, and suffers debilitating symptoms of nausea and vomiting. It’s often misdiagnosed and misunderstood because doctors receive little training on HG management, so many women aren’t treated effectively.

However, safe and effective treatments are available and make a significant difference in improving outcomes.

HG is a miserable and traumatic disease. Dr. Brecht-Doscher, a medical adviser for the HER Foundation, had both severe HG and a debilitating cancer, and she shares that HG caused her worse nausea and vomiting than cancer and chemo.

I think it is important to reiterate the place that mindset has in HG treatment. A positive mindset CANNOT significantly reduce nausea or prevent vomiting. It CANNOT significantly reduce the debility or misery of the symptoms. It CANNOT prevent weight loss or dehydration. And it CANNOT prevent the complications that may occur in those who are very ill.

What mindset CAN do is enable one to accept the yissurim b’ahavah, to stay positive and more emotionally healthy even while enduring severe physical suffering. Mindset CAN enable one to emerge on the other side with intact emunah and help reduce depression, trauma, and PTSD.

Positive self-talk, growth in one’s hashkafic viewpoint, and deep inner resources will NOT change the physical symptoms of this disease. It CAN make it easier to bear, minimize the lasting impact of the trauma, and lay the groundwork for quicker healing, in conjunction with a strong support system and the most effective medical treatments, including IV hydration and a combination of medications.

Encouraging a positive mindset in someone with HG must be accompanied by tremendous sensitivity and compassion for the unbearable suffering that HG brings, and must always be coupled with effective medical care.

Shayna Safran

Patient Advocate

HER Foundation

hadracha@hyperemesis.org

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 851)