“I’ve met other mothers of divorcing or divorced fathers and have learned so much about this sad world”

Cleaning Ladies Are People, Too [Why We Women Are Whelmed / Issue 838]

I enjoyed reading this article and hearing the perspectives of women from all different places and life stages. But I found the line, “Hashem invented cleaning ladies so that we could be better moms,” very disturbing. Maybe we could say Hashem invented washing machines, vacuums, freezers, and the like so we could be better moms. Cleaning ladies are human beings and weren’t “invented” to serve anyone. Hashem created all humans in the tzelem Elokim and all human beings should be spoken about with the respect someone with tzelem Elokim deserves. I understand that the writer meant that we should utilize help when we can and delegate some tasks to someone else in order to allow us to be more present for our children, but this needs to have been phrased more carefully. The wording used was appalling and reflective of a profoundly disturbing attitude.

D.B.

Israel

Glaring Omissions [Why We Women Are Whelmed / Issue 838]

I must comment on Naomie Rubner’s article, “Why We Women Are Whelmed.”

There were two (or more?) categories of women who were very glaringly missing.

Since ages were not included, I’m not certain why women are described — first and foremost — by the number of children we have. And if it is included, why that is first.

Am I the only one who was sensitive to the hole in the many hearts of married women who do not as yet have children?

And where, pray tell, was the single — as yet unmarried (or divorced without children) — who longs to be included in anything?

These missing women, certainly in the same age groups of the various ages included in your roster, are marginalized enough in our communities. Their voices deserve to be heard.

Aren’t we all ‘whelmed’?

Inclusion starts here.

Gitel Moses

Baltimore, Maryland

What about Single Fathers? [To Be Honest / Issue 838]

I’m the mother of a son, a father of four children, who is going through the horrors of divorce. Since this nightmare began, I’ve met other mothers of divorcing or divorced fathers and have learned so much about this sad world.

In the case of my daughter-in-law, and in many other cases I know about, divorce wasn’t some “last resort” way to escape an abusive situation. For my daughter-in-law, it was about control, it was about her parents’ wishes, it was about alimony and child support.

I’m not denying the author of this article’s personal experience, and I certainly am not denying that there are many marriages that must end in divorce. However, we can’t pretend that women are always the victim. I gave my daughter-in-law everything, as did my son, her husband.  He always worked hard to satisfy her every demand, and he never would hurt a fly — unless she ordered him to. When her parents moved to a new state, she forced him to move along, and he tried his best to make it work, but it just didn’t, and when he told her he wanted to come back, she filed an order of protection, filed for custody, and used the kids as hostages to get us to give in to obscene demands.

I’m part of a circle of grandmothers who can no longer visit their grandchildren, in some cases for years, because of a vindictive daughter-in-law.

So no, the wife isn’t always the victim. In fact, it’s the fathers who are much more overlooked by our communities. The author claims that there is no crowdfunding for divorced mothers, but with a quick search on The Chesed Fund, I found many, while I could find none for single fathers.

I would ask the women of our community — think about the divorced men, think about the fathers, and if they are being denied access to their children, ask if you can help. If you know a woman whose son is divorced, ask if she is seeing her grandchildren, and ask if you can help.

May you never know of this kind of pain,

A Bereaved Grandmother

Having Allergies Is No Big Deal [Just One Bite / Issue 837]

I appreciate your cover article regarding allergies. It was very interesting and informative. I would like to point out that as a 21-year-old with almost the entire range of allergies, who is at risk for anaphylaxis, it’s really not so bad. I was born with it (as most allergies start at birth), and I barely think about it on a daily basis. As frum people, we don’t think about eating cheeseburgers; likewise I don’t think about eating cheese. It’s a part of my life, just like I have two hands. And just like you don’t eat spoiled food, I don’t eat techinah cookies.

If your child, neighbor, friend, relative, or anyone else has allergies, don’t make it a bigger deal than it has to be. Also, don’t interrogate them about the specific details of their allergic reactions. Would you like to be asked how you react to food poisoning — at a stranger’s Shabbos table? Also, don’t remind your allergic friend or stranger to be careful. They didn’t forget they have allergies. Do you forget not to eat ham? They can fend for themselves and make their own decisions.

All in all, having allergies doesn’t need to be dramatized.

Anonymous

An Honest View [Inbox / Issue 837]

Thank you to the letter writer who pointed out that single girls are actually happy while they’re single. I’m in the same position, and I agree: Happiness isn’t a destination I’ll reach when I get married, it’s something I feel every day.

However, it was refreshing to hear someone married admitting that marriage is a happy thing. Contrary to media portrayal (all married people in kosher media are going through “stuff”), and married friends’ statements (“you’re sooo lucky you can travel around the world” or “you’re sooo lucky you don’t have to wear a shvitzy wig at weddings,’’ etc.), someone was brave enough to say marriage is a happy place to be in. Singles: Don’t we all believe that marriage will add happiness to our lives? Otherwise, why bother being in shidduchim, right?

So, thank you to the married friend for being so respectful of the life circumstances I’m in, and at the same time, honest that she’s lucky to be in her situation.

And yes, I, too, await the day when finding my bashert will add the missing piece to my already existing happiness.

Anonymous

Basement Renovation Travails [Sidekick / Issue 836]

Dear Perel,

I’m curious if you’re secretly hiding out behind the displaced Ali-knockoff Magna-Tiles in my basement, capturing material for your latest humor article about renovating your basement.

My basement was the victim of a recent flood and currently looks like a cross between war-torn Beirut and the aftermath of a Bais Yaakov production. A restoration team magically appeared after Shabbos HaMabul, followed by a long string of contractors who never followed through on their commitments to email me estimates.

I love your idea of promising money to Rabi Meir Baal Haneis, since my idea of posting contractors’ pictures on milk cartons hasn’t met with much any success. Since I live in New England, my torn-down paneling has revealed George Washington’s false teeth (he needed to remove them when giving the inaugural speech at Touro Synagogue).

Since you did find chometz in your newly renovated basement, I invite you and your entire extended family to spend Pesach with us in Rhode Island. But since my basement is filled with Revolutionary War relics, you’ll have to sleep upstairs with us. Oh, and please bring your contractor!

Rachel Lewin

Providence, Rhode Island

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 839)