"Hashem must have given you siyata d’Shmaya while writing the article in the Pesach edition, because it shifted my mind frame"

The Wall Hashem Built [Climbing the Wall You Built / Issue 793]

As a single in shidduchim, I read with great interest the article “Climbing the Wall You Built,” about ways single people may self-sabotage and how to overcome them. It’s a great article, very informative and insightful.

However, I can’t help but point out that a crucial wall and blockage wasn’t mentioned: the one Hashem may have placed. There are many challenges that different people have in life, and shidduchim is sometimes one of them. Just as one can be challenged with infertility, cancer, and financial struggles, so too shidduchim are also often not a manmade challenge but simply a matter of not having met the right one due to that being ratzon Hashem. And while it feels better to attribute people’s singlehood to self-sabotage — it makes us feel more in control — that’s often simply not the reality.

And even when there is room for self-growth and improvement to help bring one to the chuppah, is it helpful to call it “sabotage”? Wouldn’t the message be more effective if delivered with some more compassion, with the recognition that everyone’s trying to do their best, without an undertone of blame?

One anecdote that illustrates this phenomenon: A friend recently mentioned to me that she went to a well-known dating coach for guidance, but instead got a yelling session about how she could date better. The dating coach may be right, my friend told me, but it’s very hard to internalize a condescending and angry message.

May the zechus of us treating each other with respect and compassion bring yeshuos for all of Klal Yisrael.

T.S

A Painful Read [Medical Mystery / issue 793]

When I read your article about a woman with hyperhidrosis, abnormally excessive sweating, I had to rub my eyes in disbelief. Really? There’s someone else going through the same thing? I nodded along to every word with tears in my eyes. I have no idea how I survived my high school years.

To anyone else struggling out there: Don’t let yourself suffer the shame and discomfort for years and years. Keep looking for a solution. If one doesn’t help, it might need to be in conjunction with another treatment. For me, it was a combination of a few of the treatments described in the article that worked. Unfortunately, after a year or two of controlling my sweating to a somewhat normal extent, I am now back to square one as my medications are not considered safe during pregnancy and nursing.

Every day is a struggle — even without the “embarrassment” part, just getting through daily activities is challenging. (I recently had a coworker ask loudly, ‘What are you dripping?!’ I mumbled something about having just washed my hands, even though I’d been standing right next to her for the past ten minutes…)

I am thrilled to hear that there is another option for me out there and am looking into it. Thank you for publishing this article that validates my “minor” struggle. It is unbelievable what a difference it makes to know that I am not the only one.

Still Suffering in Israel

We Don’t Ask Why [Jenti’s Purse / Issue 793]

I read your story “Jenti’s Purse,” about Jenti Zuber’s experience in the Holocaust.

I’m Jenti’s oldest granddaughter, the first of the third generation, the one who gave everyone comfort that not only did Jenti and her sister survive and even have children, there was now a grandchild.

I was about eight years old when I overheard my bubby telling a story from the war, and then she said: “That is when I stopped asking ‘why’ and just accepted what had happened.” I didn’t understand her words until much later, but today I understand what they meant:

Bubby accepted what He was doing and just asked for the strength to get through. When things get tough, we don’t ask why — we just ask for the tools that we need to get through the situation. Hashem knows what He is doing and everything is being done with love. We don’t always see it, we don’t always feel it, but He is there holding on to us and helping us through.

Bubby, we miss you, but we know that you are shepping lots of nachas from all of us from the special place Hashem saved for you — for living a kiddush Hashem even after your family died al kiddush Hashem.

Chaya Zuber Norkin

Beitar Illit

Younger Sisters Whoop! [Sidekick / Issue 793]

After reading the Sidekick about shidduch suggestions, we needed to write in. Nechama Gutwein outdid herself: The “Eternal Optimist” was well written and hysterical. Maybe for the Gutweins, there’s groaning when the shadchan calls, but in our house, this is how it goes. The shadchan calls. Tatty calmly and reasonably discusses the suggestion. Mommy tries not to act excited, Sister in Shidduchim makes sure no one starts planning the wedding. Younger sisters whoop!

If it’s for a date, we whoop the whole time we are cleaning. We whoop while lending Sister in Shidduchim anything she wants to borrow. We whoop while hiding upstairs and definitely not peeking out the window at 6:30. Even when it’s the tenth guy she dated and the only suggestion she has gotten in months. And we whooped straight through the engagement and wedding.

For all the families of single girls out there, keep on whooping! Yeshuas Hashem k’heref ayin.

Anonymous

Jolted [Follow Me Where? / Issue 793]

I just want to let you know what an impact your articles about Follow Me had on me. As mother of a few small children, I was painfully aware of the fact that I was ridiculously addicted to Instagram. I went on it just for the sake of going on it, almost all the time.

Hashem must have given you siyata d’Shmaya while writing the article in the Pesach edition, because it shifted my mind frame. I decided to take the Instagram app off my phone (but still have access to it on my computer so that I’m not completely cut off). Now I only go on it once or twice a day, and I really only pay attention to posts from my family and close friends. I realized that “influencers” are really not bringing any value to my life and instead bring a lot of feelings of inadequacy and nekamah. So now when I see an influencer talking, I think to myself “how nebach that she has to talk to a screen for validation.”

There was another point that struck me, and I think it was made in the main Mishpacha magazine. Social media has no rabbinical board, and it is literally a free-for-all. There are so many frum Instagrammers with questionable morals or who decline in tzniyus, making us think that maybe it’s okay for us to do that too.

Thanks for helping to jolt me out of my Instagram addiction. Today, I’m much more present with my family, and much happier with my life.

A No-Longer Addict

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 795)