"I cannot say this strongly enough: Children who complain about the seatbelt need a booster"

Lost Money [I’m Stuck / Issue 789]

I felt that I had to write in to tell of my personal experience in response to the woman whose husband was wary of lending money to his brother-in-law.

When I received a substantial yerushah, my daughter needed money for a down payment. She asked me to loan her a large amount of money. Since I wanted to help her, we agreed, and my son-in-law and daughter signed a paper that they would give us a monthly payment till they were all paid up. They paid for a few months and that was it.

Now we are in our golden years, and we could use the money. But it’s gone forever; they said they couldn’t pay anymore. That was ten years ago, and our relationship has never been the same again.

Listen to your wise husband — unless you’re ready to lose the money.

Name Withheld

Help Me Make My Daughter’s Day [Make Her Day / Issue 789]

I would like to make my daughter’s day by making the world accessible.  It would be wonderful if my daughter had equal access to shuls, schools, stores, and people’s homes.  My daughter has a physical disability, so she needs some assistance when stairs are involved.  It would be wonderful if everything was designed to be accessible to all.

I would like to make my daughter’s day by making the world a better place.  It would be wonderful if the Jewish community treated those with disabilities as equal members of the community.  Those with disabilities would not be looked upon solely as an opportunity to do chesed, but looked to for insight on how to integrate those with special needs into the larger community, or looked to for advice on navigating difficult situations.

I would like to make my daughter’s day by letting her see that she truly is a member of our community, that because she attended mainstream yeshivah day schools, learned in a seminary in Israel for a year after high school, studied at two very well-known universities and has a graduate degree, she can be part of the “regular” shidduch networking group as opposed to being marginalized into a “special needs” shidduch group.  Unless, of course, the Jewish community puts all singles in a “special needs” shidduch group.

I would like to make my daughter’s day by starting the conversation, so that those individuals with special needs can truly be part of our Jewish community.  I would like our community to see how really special these young men and women are and to recognize and appreciate how much our community can benefit from their true integration.

A Mother

A Personal Loss [At Home with Greatness / Issue 789]

It was almost the end of Pesach, and I wanted to hold on to that feeling before the crashing gong that marks the closing of any Yom Tov, but particularly Pesach, when the weeks (or months) of preparation are undone within a few hours.

My daughter asked if I’d read the interview with Rav Chaim Kanievsky’s daughter, and in the overwhelming reams of written material available on Yom Tov, somehow, I hadn’t read it. Pesach lasted a bit longer than it might have as I was so taken with the article.

I have read so many worthy descriptions of the immense loss to Klal Yisrael. Every Jewish publication and even many non-Jewish ones provided so much wonderment at the immense “malach” that was taken from Klal Yisrael. It gave me much sadness but there was very little that I could identify with other than the tremendous sense of loss. Sarah Pardes’s interview with the daughters of this greater-than-life couple gave me unexpected lessons I could apply to the way I live my life.

Today, I davened Minchah early (not as the sun set behind the horizon), and considered Maariv an addition to my daily interaction with the One Above. “Abba was a malach but he was involved in our lives...” This incredible gadol was concerned with his children’s notebooks, stood at the window waiting for their return after school trips, “visited us after we were married if we were not feeling well!” The detail of the concern for any request, even of the smallest child... do I have that degree of concern for others?

I finished the article, feeling that I had read a valuable mussar sefer in these closing hours of Yom Tov. Thank you for more than just another description of a larger-than-life gadol! Is that not the best zikaron — to find middos that one can, hopefully, apply to one’s own life?

Ahava Ehrenpreis

Our Pain Doesn’t Wash Away [Inbox / Issue 789]

To the letter writer who decried the focus on suffering in singlehood, who advises thinking of a zivug as “just around the bend”: What you suggest is beautiful, yet perhaps somewhat unrealistic. You describe yourself as relatively young — and many of us, when we were younger, held on to the hope, faith, and optimism that you advocate, thinking that surely our zivug was indeed just around the bend.

With all my heart, I hope you will not have to see the years pass unrelentingly, when these messages become dry and more difficult to cling to. Things sound different at 21 than they do at 31. Of course, we are all searching, at any age, for chizuk and hope. There are times that I wish for support groups and caring networks for single young women, just as there are for those who are childless.

I must extend my appreciation to Family First for allowing all voices to be heard, and for not glossing over the pain and longing, which cannot so easily be washed away. Sometimes, within these pages, it’s just the acknowledgment of our pain that is validating, rather than feeling judgment for not always being “hopeful” enough.

Name Withheld

Important Safety Notice [Family Living / Issue 789]

I grappled internally with whether to write this letter. Should I write a letter about one sentence within a masterpiece of a Pesach issue? It’s truly part of my family’s oneg Yom Tov to read and discuss your powerful, informative articles. However, when the recommended product is so dangerous, I feel I must.

In “Comfy Car Rides,” a seatbelt pillow set from Amazon is recommended as being “ultimately safer” for children who complain about the seatbelt.

I cannot say this strongly enough: Children who complain about the seatbelt need a booster. When the seatbelt fits correctly, the lap portion of the belt will be horizontally flat at the very tops of the thighs, and the shoulder belt will touch the collarbone roughly halfway between the shoulder and neck. On most children, this does not happen until between the ages of ten and twelve.

Of course children complain about the seatbelt before that! The shoulder belt is usually on the chin or neck. This could, G-d forbid, cause grave injury in a collision. It also makes children want to put the belt behind the back or under the arm, which is even more dangerous. The booster places the seatbelt in the right location to protect the child.

The product recommended in your article is not allowed by any vehicle manufacturer. Virtually every vehicle owner’s manual has language prohibiting placing any pillow or device on the seatbelt. A pillow on the shoulder belt causes the child to lurch forward even more in a collision. A triangular device that pinches the belts together at the stomach causes the entire force of the crash to be concentrated in the stomach area, which could cause internal injury Rachmana litzlan.

Perhaps it’s because they share a name with a seat that helps a toddler reach the dinner table, but boosters are often thought of as babyish. Nothing could be further from the truth. By following the instructions in the vehicle owner’s manual, which include the use of a booster for a child whom the seatbelt does not fit, with Hashem’s help we will keep all of our children safe.

Lani Harrison

Certified Child Passenger Safety Technician

Scottsdale, AZ

Thinking of You [Words Unspoken / Issue 789]

Dear Girl in the Article,

Your letter — about knowing that you’re the girl everyone warns their children to stay away from — brought me to tears. I sent up a tefillah to Hashem on your behalf and on  behalf of everyone else suffering along with you.

You are silently suffering because of childhood situations that were beyond your control.

I wish there was something I could do to fix your pain, to make it all go away.

But what I want you to know is this: While you’re right that we are warning our children (and ourselves) not to be friends with you, I am davening for you. I am davening that you heal from your pain, so there will no longer be a reason to distance myself from you.

And of course, I am davening for the ultimate redemption when all will be clear. When all suffering will disappear, and you, my friend, will be the hero.

Because you persevered. You carried on. You showed us what true strength really means.

I am in awe.

I am awaiting the day when everyone will recognize that.

Name withheld

Amazing Change [Be My Guest / Issue 788]

This year, after reading the article “Be My Guest,” my sisters, sisters-in-law, and I were inspired to create a system of “zones” to help my mother over the second days of Pesach. With five married children for second days and a collective nine kids under nine, with two expecting mothers and a lot of hungry husbands, we were excited to try this out.

Typically, my mother resignedly (although not without a smile!) bears the responsibilities of constant breakfast-kiddush cleanup, rounding up the kids to clean the den and living room, setting the table or making sure it’s set, and is on top of all the meals and prep.

This year, we divided up the house into zones. One brother had to make sure the den was clean before each meal. One sister-in-law did breakfast cleanup. Another always did post-meal cleanup and wiping down. My family (my kids are the oldest) always set the table and straightened up the living room for all meals.

The change was incredible! We were all more aware and sensitive to keeping the house in order, since one of “us” — not just the cleaning lady or whoever was roped in to help at any specific time — would be picking up the mess!

This mindset was truly amazing, and it worked perfectly. My mother felt like she could enjoy her children and grandchildren without the entire house on her head, we all felt good about being a real part of Yom Tov, the children learned how to be a part of a system to make the chag beautiful, and the bonus was a clean and organized Yom Tov!

Name Withheld

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 791)