"What we’re not taught is that there are husbands who are tyrants, which are very different than kings"

Don’t Ignore Red Flags [I’m Stuck / Issue 786]

I read the “I’m Stuck” about the woman who was concerned that her neighbors were taking advantage of her children — she had both a widowed neighbor as well as a young father who frequently asked her children for assistance. I’m shocked that in today’s environment, not one responder considered the safety of the questioner’s children. If an adult male asks a seven-year-old girl to carry something heavy, that is a huge red flag.

Please, please, protect your children. Warn them to never enter the neighbor’s home or car. Seek professional help on what rules to give your children on how to make sure they stay safe. Remember, most abusers build up a relationship with their victims first.

I’m no rebbetzin, but chesed to the widow sounds right; repeated requests from someone young and able-bodied, who has his own kids available for assistance, might not be in the same category. In today’s world, one cannot be too cautious.

Ending with a prayer that Hashem watch over all His kinderlach,

A Concerned Mom

Crumbling While Clothing Shopping [Musings / Issue 786]

At the risk of sounding dramatic, Elky Pascal’s essay about buying girls’ clothing was a true comfort to my soul. Validating would be an understatement.
As a mom of girls, I feel a real pit in my stomach as I set out to shop for them, another pit when I’m browsing and figuring out sizing and seasons, another pit when I pay, and another pit when I’m on the way home to see if it fits and if they’ll like what I chose.
By that time, I’m a mess and the stress level (and lack of headspace left to deal with life) is beyond words. And this is all before the trying-on sessions and the loud discussions about who gets what and can we wear it today and it’s too short and I wanted only pink. By then, I’m crumbling and literally holding my breath in an attempt to stop myself from shrieking out of frustration.
I look around at these perfectly matched families of girls, complete with their picture-perfect new Shabbos tights, expensive headwear and matching shoes, and I think to myself that either the mom davened really hard for this under her chuppah, or else she gives really, really awesome bribes (or scary threats).
Thanks, Elky, for that one hopeful line: “I happen to be raising the leaders of the next generation; they have opinions!” So, there’s that silver lining to lean on.
But until I actually make it to that point, I may just steal your idea and make my kids sign a clothing contract to keep me sane for the next 20 years or so.

Leba Friedman

Children in Grief [Trapped Tears / Issue 786]

Having lost my father at a very young age, and having educated young children for many years, I read with great interest Bassi Gruen’s opening letter alongside the informative and well written article about grief.

I echo the words Bassi cited by Dr. Awdish, in which she detailed what is pain and the fear of grief. It is indeed a scary thing, and there is no easy way to approach it, nor is there a quick fix. One does have to traverse the tunnel of pain in order to get to the light on the other side. For some people that tunnel is longer, for others it is shorter. Some may have guiding lights within that tunnel, while others are groping in the dark. Each path is unique to each individual’s grief journey.

Goldie Grant’s words were not just informative but true to the nature of the differing experiences in grief. However, there was one population that was left out — that of the grieving child. He too is in pain. She too needs that light in the dark. Children do not yet have the language nor the maturity and emotional development that an adult may already have. They are arrested in their journey until someone capable is there to support them.

Losing a parent at a young age (or at any age), enduring a divorce, suffering through the chaos of a struggling sibling… these are all really difficult, painful, and terrifying situations that can have a long-lasting impact if not dealt with.

We are a wonderful people with many organizations that do indeed help our children — please take advantage of them. Please, let’s not forget about the suffering of our children.

Judy Landman

Why Write These Stories [Inbox / Issue 785]

I was sorry to hear that a letter writer “literally felt physically ill” when she read the story “The Long Road Home,” about a woman’s escape from an unhealthy marriage. I hope she feels better soon. She claims to “empathize with Devora, and hope she gains some form of catharsis.” Then she writes, “But mostly, I was thinking: Why?”

Here’s the answer to her question. But may I start by writing that I “literally felt physically ill” when I read her letter? And that the tone of her empathy sounds more incredulous than empathetic?

So, she’s wondering why, and here’s the answer: Because in another corner of the world, there was a woman (me, obviously) whose life jumped off those pages. And that woman felt like finally, finally there was someone who knew, who understood. And Hashem orchestrated that the story be printed at the exact point in the journey when it was needed (no, I won’t elaborate): to soothe, to validate, to simply see my life from an objective perspective.

And here’s a broader reason why: Before we get married, we women are taught to treat our husbands as kings. We’re taught to give in to our husbands. We’re taught not to argue (!) with them, we’re taught to follow them.

All that is absolutely true. With one caveat: as long as you’re being treated as a human being, and your children are safe. What we’re not taught is that there are husbands who are tyrants, which are very different than kings. We’re not taught when not to give in. We’re not taught the difference between a disagreement and manipulation.

This is not to chas v’shalom scare an one off, married or otherwise (I don’t understand why someone in a healthy marriage would get scared, but I guess I can’t understand everything). If anything, it’s to show that there are avoidable divorces and unavoidable ones. A divorce is dinei nefashos and should be avoided at all costs — other than for your and your children’s physical and emotional safety.

Why does the letter writer jump to “if your spouse acts differently from how you expected, you may need a divorce, maybe your spouse is mentally ill,” etc.? A spouse will, and should, act differently from how you expected. A human being most often will. But then you sit down and talk, or seek guidance. And what’s wrong with a couple seeking guidance with a counselor when needed? People who are “mostly uneducated” might find they have a lot to gain from therapy. I thought we destigmatized therapy long ago.

I agree with her that we should “hear more real-life stories of women who faced struggles... and learned the skills to transform their relationships.” But can she understand that not all people are capable of relationships, however transformed their wives are?

Name Withheld

Speak Up About Selective Mutism [Know This / Issue 783]

I’m writing in response to the article on selective mutism. I wanted to point out that this is very common in kids who are coming from homes of foreigners and are suddenly facing a new language. They start to worry they sound funny, so they don’t like anyone to hear them talk.

This happened to our daughter when she was three and a half. We spent lots of time getting evaluations and taking her to a therapist, who was really amazing. We also tried the exposure therapy as mentioned in the article. In addition, we spoke to Rut Perednik, and she was very helpful and explained a lot to us. We bought her book and tried to implement a lot of what she suggested.

Selective mutism is not something that usually goes away on its own. Eventually, with lots of siyata d’Shmaya and hishtadlus and prayers, our daughter was able to overcome this… very slowly.

To parents who have children with selective mutism: be supportive and patient. Allow them to move forward at their own pace and don’t push them in any way. Never, ever label your kid as shy or as the one who doesn’t speak, especially in front of them. What they’re going through is very hard, and they need you to be there for them.

Speak to your child’s teachers at the beginning of the year to explain the situation and what the teacher should and shouldn’t do or say. Since selective mutism is not so understood, the teacher may mistakenly assume the child is just shy or chutzpahdig, which can be very damaging. I photocopied articles for her teachers to help them learn more about selective mutism, which I found very helpful, and I still mention this to her teachers so they can be aware of where she’s coming from.

When on a rare occasion a teacher tells me that this child talked back or was loud in class, it actually gives me nachas — I know where this kid was not so long ago!

May everyone get the help they need to get through this as fast as possible.

A Mother Who Can Relate

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 788)