"Not every marriage problem originates with mental illness. Not every relationship issue has its roots in childhood trauma. Not every struggling marriage requires therapy" 

Silent Suffering [Musings / Issue 783]

I read “Hear My Cry,” about a girl in shidduchim “who’s as single as they come, with no dates in the cards,” with tears pooling in my own eyes.

You see, I was reading about me. There I am, in all those tears, the pain and hopelessness after so many years of dating. I married late, and it was over within a few brief months, sending me back into the endless world of waiting. I, too, have watched friends, relatives and younger siblings marry and start families. I too have davened for so long, feeling lost, searching for something to hold on to.

It is a silent, burning suffering, unfathomable in its depth and loneliness. What do you say to someone like me, who has tried every segulah, heard every type of chizuk, every good wish, every “it will come” and “you’ll get married” and “Hashem has a plan”? How many times have I wondered and feared that perhaps marriage is simply not part of my plan? Will I have enough years to start a family? What thought, then, should I hold on to, when all hopeful thoughts have run dry through the relentless passage of time?

May the yeshuah come, finally, for me and my sisters in Klal Yisrael, waiting for so long. Don’t forget about us... and may our piercing cries finally be answered.

Name Withheld

Matter of Policy [Halachah / Issue 783]

In a sh’eilah asking whether it is permissible to take advantage of liberal return policies and buy costumes intending to wear and then return them, the questioner wrote, “Amazon and other stores have a policy of permitting trying an outfit for seven days before the purchase becomes final.”

The return policy on Amazon clearly states that one may “try on items for free for seven days” — in other words, “bring the fitting room home” — noting that if one wishes to make a return, “items must be unused, unworn, unwashed, and undamaged.” That being the metziyus, I do not understand how it is possible to permit returning a costume worn for several hours on Purim.

Name Withheld

No Plan to Purchase [Halachah / Issue 783]

I’m writing in response to Rav Neustadt’s column last week. In it, he allows people to purchase and wear items knowing full well that they will be worn and then returned. The intention is not to try the items for seven days, as the question highlights, but rather to use them intentionally for free.

I do not feel that the answer speaks directly to the question that was asked. A vendor does not knowingly allow people to wear items they have absolutely no intention of purchasing. The user here is making the vendor incur the costs of shipping both ways and wear-and-tear on the item. Making another person or company incur costs when you have no intention of ever purchasing the item does not seem permissible or moral. There are so many halachos around purchasing and making vendors incur costs of time and energy that this response does not seem complete.

Even if this were halachically permissible, the chillul Hashem is unavoidable — especially for a costume around Purim time. There are actually stores that won’t take items back from certain frum zip codes that buy and use items and then return them after they have used them. I was extremely dismayed to read about this in general, but am particularly offended as a previous clothing store owner.

MLF

Rav Neustadt responds:

I am glad you wrote, since it gives me an opportunity to clarify my response, and emphasize that I do not condone buying items with the specific intent of using and then returning them (unless there is at least a small chance that you may keep the item). As my original response states, doing so has the appearance of impropriety, and we must avoid any potential chillul Hashem.

I was merely pointing out that from a halachic perspective, some large businesses, as part of their business model, permit buying and returning with no questions asked, as long as the item is in perfect condition. But in actual practice, even though arguably this may not be considered theft, this kind of “shopping” should be totally avoided.

A Marriage Transformed [The Long Road Home/ Issue 783]

Reading the story about the young woman whose husband had a personality disorder and whose marriage was unviable, I literally felt physically ill. Of course, I empathize with Devora, and hope that she gains some form of catharsis from sharing her story in a public forum. And it does seem, based on the details given from her perspective, that divorce was the only possible solution for her situation. But mostly, I was thinking: Why?

What, exactly, is the purpose of sharing a sensationalist story such as this one, in a family magazine? What messages are we trying to impart to our married readers, let alone teens and those in shidduchim?

Some takeaways might include: Marriage is scary and dangerous; if your spouse acts differently from how you expected, you may need a divorce; maybe your spouse is mentally ill, and there is no hope for you until he is “fixed” by therapy.

Not every marriage problem originates with mental illness. Not every relationship issue has its roots in childhood trauma. Not every struggling marriage requires therapy — joint or otherwise. The vast majority of stressed marriages are simply a matter of two normal people from different backgrounds, who are mostly uneducated and clueless about how to build a deep connection and a joyous and fulfilling relationship.

Let’s hear more real-life stories of women who faced struggles in their marriage and learned the skills to transform their relationships. Yes, without schlepping their husbands to therapy or cajoling them to change their behavior. Yes, even when the “issues” seem to be the husband’s fault. In fact, when armed with the proper practical skills and mindset tools, the vast majority of women possess a remarkable power to be change agents in their marriage — without requiring their husbands’ active participation or even awareness.

Alisa Avruch

Marriage coach and educator

The Secret Spark [Selective Intervention, Know This / Issue 783]

In the article “Selective Mutism,” the author writes, “A common myth is that this problem goes away on its own. It usually doesn’t. The more a child is enabled not to speak... it can stick — and even last into adulthood.”

I actually had four children who had selective mutism. When the first one began nursery, she would not talk to her classmates, her teachers, or any neighbors. She only spoke to immediate family and the daughter of my good friend. When we consulted experts in this field, they told us not to make an issue about it. The only thing we should look out for was if she looked anxious and was not calm and content. The teachers always reported that she looked happy and content, and we never made an issue about. I was in constant contact with the teachers to ensure that nothing had changed for the worse.

When she began first grade, all of a sudden she began speaking both to her classmates and to her teachers. Years later, when one of my other children was not talking in nursery, this daughter commented that she also did not speak until first grade, and she explained that this was because the school we sent her to had a different dialect of Yiddish, which she didn’t know how to speak. That was definitely the case with another two of my children. With no intervention, by the end of nursery, they were talking.

The fourth child did not have the issue of a different dialect of Yiddish, but she also had selective mutism in nursery and did not speak to the teachers or the classmates. In kindergarten, she began speaking to her classmates; not long afterward, she began speaking to the teachers as well.

The advice I was given was that if the child does not act anxious in the classroom setting, then the issue should be ignored and will get better on its own. The situation should be monitored but not discussed with the child. If the selective mutism is limiting the child and not allowing him to flourish, then intervention would be necessary.

A. Weissberg

Modiin Illit

A Parent’s Courage [In Good Faith / Issue 783]

The beautiful article by Ms. Herschel about Rebbetzin Kirshboim’s life resonated very deeply. The loss of four children to Tay Sachs spurred Rabbi Ekstein to found Dor Yeshorim 40 years ago. In the years since, thanks to Dor Yeshorim’s tireless research, we have b’siyata d’Shamaya continued to add testing for newly discovered diseases. In fact, Dor Yeshorim is about to announce the addition of over 30 new diseases to the standard testing panel.

These advances were made possible thanks to the courage of parents like Rebbetzin Kirshboim; parents of children suffering with unidentified diseases who chose to reach out to our research department for help. At no cost to these families, Dor Yeshorim is dedicated to finding answers and developing testing methods to ensure no other family need suffer these same harsh realities.

In my recent conversation with Rebbetzin Kirshboim, she referenced both the suffering of losing children as well as the emunas chachamim that helped her persevere. A strong advocate of Dor Yeshorim’s work, she welcomes questions from families facing genetic challenges.

With best wishes and tefillos for healthy generations,

Avrohom Moshe Schwartz

Director of Project Management, Dor Yeshorim

Chosen [Lifetakes / Issue 783]

Dear Batya,

You wrote so beautifully, so full of heartfelt emotion. I too have a son for whom I hold on to all memories and “scars,” for whom I could never have guessed that there would be factors that would lead him off the path I want him to follow, for whom I remember all the mistakes I possibly made with him. And so my heart truly hurt, and I shed tears, as I read your piece.

Please allow me to share with you something that one of my son’s former rebbeim told me, which gave me tremendous chizuk. He told me that as parents of children who turn away from Yiddishkeit, we should not think about what we did and blame ourselves. Every neshamah has a journey, and as the parents, our neshamos’ journey is to be with them on theirs — and that we were specifically chosen to be their parents. And that if we think about why, we can see that perhaps we are the ones who can love, and give support, and accept them, despite their differences.

I hope these words give you a little bit of menuchas hanefesh, a little bit of relief, from the feelings of self-blame that we mothers are so apt to feel.

Wishing you peace of mind, happiness, and nachas,

A fellow mother

Quality Connection [Words Unspoken / Issue 782]

Your Fellow Classmate in Words Unspoken writes that she noticed the small crowd at a classmate’s wedding, and that the baalei simchah had clearly expected more people. She says she makes an effort to attend her friends’ weddings in hope that they will come to hers, and writes, “A simchah is infinitely increased because of others’ presence.”

People continue to worry about this as they marry off their own children, and they wonder if they’ll have a respectable crowd of guests who’ll attend in their honor. Studies have shown that a person can only have a limited number of meaningful relationships —150, with five in the closest emotional layer, ten in the next. Does a large crowd at a wedding indicate the number of deep friendships a person has, or just many superficial ones? We all have so little time today. How is it possible to maintain so many close ties?

It isn’t possible. But we’re conditioned to believe that large weddings, with an enormous guest list, are the way to have a fulfilling simchah. When we discuss wedding takanos, why is the conversation limited to the expense? What about the capacity, or lack thereof, to foster so many meaningful connections? We need to talk more about the quality of the connections we make, and how a simchah can be meaningfully increased because of the connections we have with our guests, and who choose to attend because they want to share in our simchah.

Name Withheld

Endless Imagination [Superfoods / Issue 781]

Esti Vago does it again! She constantly amazes me. Her imagination is endless. The Purim Superfood Costumes were really cute enough to eat. The button candy costume on the cover brought back nostalgic memories to my youth of when we bought button candy. The fortune cookie, watermelon, and Geshmak Yiddishe cup soup were also very original.

Please keep Esti Vago’s ideas coming.

Chaya Hendel Fried

Correction: The photos accompanying “Message on a Bottle” and the cover photo for issue 784 were taken by Eli Cobin. We regret the omission.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 785)