"If you’re nervous that you don’t have time to make food for another family, give it a try. Hashem has all the time in the world"

Inside-Out Feelings [Too Good to Be True / Issue 779]

I would like to commend Chani Muller for addressing the issue of toxic positivity, a subject that has troubled me for a long time, both personally and professionally.

After our daughter, Chaviva, was diagnosed with profound special needs 18 years ago, I was overwhelmed by a flood of complex emotions. The devastation of sleep deprivation was surpassed by the emotional and spiritual chaos that I experienced in the wake of our new reality.

During the early years of Chaviva’s life, I walked a tightrope trying to survive this nisayon while trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy. When I had the rare opportunity to attend a shiur where the topic of nisyonos was raised, I would leave feeling frustrated, alone, and defective. It was painful to hear that everything Hashem does is for the best and that Hashem does not give us tests that we cannot handle when I was struggling. No one addressed the complex emotional and spiritual journey that is required for those experiencing complex and challenging situations.

Over the years, as our situation became more manageable (with the support of the excellent special-needs educational system in Eretz Yisrael as well as the outstanding services of Ezrat Achim in Ramat Beit Shemesh), I was able to slowly embrace our daughter and our situation, after making space and processing the complex array of feelings and dilemmas in our customized test.

My experience has been that once I allowed myself to feel my feelings without judgment, and make room for the journey toward acceptance, then healing occurred organically. I did not have to force myself to see the Yad Hashem or work on “improving” my emunah. Support and appropriate validation helped soothe the pain and validate the difficulty that I was experiencing. From a regulated and validated place, I was naturally able to acknowledge the blessings within our situation with all of its ongoing challenges.

Over the years, I have come to appreciate this “inside out” approach and the genuine transformation it facilitates. I know that the only area we can exert choice over is our ratzon to fulfill our unique role in Hashem’s creation and that everything else (including healing, compassion, and emunah) is a gift.

For all of this, I am grateful.

Chaviva’s Mom

He Has All the Time [Family Table / Issue 778]

A few weeks ago, you shared recipes and menus for ideas for meals to send people who need supper. I want to share another side.

Recently, I made the Friday night meal for a couple going through a challenging time. I prepared everything from soup to nuts, and when I finally packaged it all into a bag, I couldn’t believe how much I had actually prepared and how easy it was.

Normally, things go wrong when I’m cooking: I can cut myself on a peeler or forget to seal the top on the salad dressing when I am shaking it, or maybe I’m missing an ingredient and have to run to the store, or the ingredients were spoiled.

But that week absolutely nothing went wrong. My kids played nicely with each other and didn’t need me to assist them, and all the food worked out great. That’s when I realized that when you’re willing to help out another Jew, you will receive siyata d’Shmaya. It was completely unbelievable how I was able to cook Shabbos in the same amount of time it usually takes me to cook for just my family.

So if you’re nervous that you don’t have time to make food for another family, give it a try. Hashem has all the time in the world.

Tzipporah Moskovitz, RBS

Leadership Comes from the Top [Dream On / Issue 778]

Thank you, Gila Arnold, for your superbly written story, “Dream On,” with its conflicts, relatable characters, and edge-of-the-seat inducing plot twists.

I love how at the end ZeeZee finishes her seminary year with a growth mindset. I also appreciated how Chava moves on to a position where she can use her talents and be valued for her wisdom and experience. But I felt the Tammy subplot landed a bit flat at the conclusion.

Each time she stuck herself where she didn’t belong, I shook my head at the way the principal handled the situation. I think more effective leadership from the top is important in any school. This woman repeatedly breached boundaries, and yes, we wouldn’t have a story if she was let go early on, but why was she not fired by the principal even at the end? She resigns as per her mentor Rikki’s advice (with a mere slap on the hand and instructions to seek therapy), she is allowed to continue on until they find someone to replace her, and she is barely reproached by the principal.

Teachers who lack the maturity to lead impressionable students should be swiftly replaced. The principal also failed in his doling out roles to the teachers. Chava, the more experienced and older teacher, seemed to have minimal power and prestige in the system. It’s the principal’s job to assign roles to these teachers so that the respect trickles down to the students.

While teachers like Tammy know how to do creative activities like “Cookies Thursday” and chagigahs, teachers like Chava have the intuition and life wisdom needed to guide young students. When leaders choose staff based not only on charisma, youth, or popularity, but on skill, boundary setting, and ability to make choices without ego affecting her decisions, the students are the ones who benefit.

Thank you for a fantastic read. I hope we’ll get a sequel soon!

Miriam Hendeles

Los Angeles

A Better Ending for Tammy [Dream On / Issue 778]

I’m still thinking of Tammy from Dream On and how she went to therapy. The ending of the story really bothers me — not that she went to therapy, but that she quit her job.

My experience with therapy has been that a person is encouraged to drop responsibilities until they feel emotionally better — but it is those responsibilities and learning how to balance achieving and being that is the makeup of emotional well-being. A heart can become crushed at worst and bored at best when asked to step out of real life.

I went to therapy because I was having issues “finding myself” and experiencing depression. The therapist recommended CBT and didn’t take me seriously when I tried to discuss my feelings about my role. She insisted that we would discuss that “when I feel better.” Meanwhile, I was going crazy from boredom and I became more depressed because of how useless I felt. I felt suffocated by all the self-care I was being instructed to do.

She recommended that I become a preschool aide, and I was like, “Hello? How on earth is that going to help me achieve my dreams? Do you even care about my dreams? Don’t you believe in me at all?”

Should I have been open with her and told her that I felt like she didn’t care about me or believe in me? Maybe. But as a therapist, shouldn’t she know this? Shouldn’t she have learned in all her years of schooling that crushing someone’s dreams and putting her down will only make them feel worse? Needless to say, I left this therapist and am still recovering from the experience.

I feel bad for Tammy. She made mistakes, but she didn’t deserve to lose her job. She perhaps needed professional guidance on learning how to navigate her emotions when she wants so badly to give but knows it might end up harming someone. She needs to learn that feelings don’t make her bad and setting boundaries is okay. Her mistakes taught her a lot and she owned them.

I would have loved to see a different finale for Tammy where perhaps we see her setting boundaries of sorts with her students, but not totally abandoning her role.

Name Withheld

Travel Game Changer [Off the Eaten Path / Issue 777]

I enjoyed reading about Naomi Nachman’s travel tips. As I read about her wrapping frozen food in foil and in Ziplocs, I just wanted to share a foolproof tip that is tried and true many times over. To keep frozen food from thawing, wrap it in newspaper!

Apparently newspaper contains a sort of thermal substance. My family and I have traveled many hours by car and arrived with our food fully frozen. I never travel to Israel without our famous Chicago “Romanian” delights (hot dogs, deli, salamis, roasts, etc) for my kids. Each package is wrapped once with newspaper and arrives frozen. (It obviously helps that it’s in cargo). Thank you, “Bubby” Harriet M., for the hack, it’s a traveling game changer!

Meira S.

Let’s Support Them [Mountains around Jerusalem / Issue 772]

The story about a young couple who tried to make aliyah but returned to America struck me as a wakeup call to English-speaking Israelis.

The scenario that begins the story is a young woman who can’t attend her sister’s wedding because flights were canceled due to the pandemic. From that point, little things start to bother her as everyone around seems to be overjoyed with the holiness of Israel.

A lonely, homesick young couple needs support from people who understand their hardship and validate it. The story is a reminder to Israeli families to invite families of olim over for a Shabbat seudah, help olim battle bureaucracy, land a job, etc. That paves the way for easier absorption, not lecturing people about kedushah.

Sending American-style food for shalach manos or complimenting olim for coping with a new way of life makes much more sense than “holier than thou” preaching if we want to bring as many Jewish people as possible to Israel.

Shoshana

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 781)