"It hurts so much to never be able to express struggle, pain, or sadness, because I am Miss Perfect"

Let Me Open the Door [Too Good to Be True / Issue 779]

Family First’s articles cover many of the struggles we face: infertility, illness, addiction, technology, parenting. These articles broaden my perspective and enable me to be a better person. I can support, acknowledge, and help others better now that I have a deeper understanding of the challenges they face.

And then I walk outside to face the world. I’m the woman who intimidates you. I am your neighbor, friend, daughter, babysitter, teacher, and employee. You know, the one who is thin, beautiful, runs multiple successful businesses, whose children are well dressed and happy, who hosts guests, is always ready to cook meals for kimpeturins, and excels at self-care. However, like most people in the world, I have challenges. Most of my nisyonos are private, not because I am ashamed of them, but because of their nature, and because it makes people uncomfortable to know that these nisyonos exist.

I have been placed in this box of perfection and when I attempt to open the door, most people respond by slamming it shut. I’m not bemoaning how I got into this box — but I’m asking that I be allowed to open the door.

When I turn down making supper for a kimpeturin, it stings when you say, “You? I always say, if you want something done, give it to a busy woman! I’m sure you could pull it off.” When I give less than the suggested amount for a gift because therapy is straining my finances, I wish the response would be, “Is everything okay?” instead of, “Seriously, you just don’t appreciate the teachers enough.” When a tear slips out of my eye at the bus stop, I cringe when I hear, “The Eibeshter is good. Think good and it’ll be good!”

It hurts. It hurts so much to always have to be what you expect of me. It hurts so much to never be able to express struggle, pain, or sadness, because I am Miss Perfect. It hurts so much to hear mussar when I believe with every fiber of my being that HaKadosh Baruch Hu loves me and is so kind to me every moment of every day, and I can still be in pain. This is the most painful nisayon of all.

I have a support system of wonderful people who allow me to be who I am. However, I can’t limit my interactions with those select few. So I turn to you, my fellow Yid, neighbor, friend, teacher, principal, parent, and employer. You’ve read the article on toxic positivity. Please, allow me to express my pain when I need to. Allow me to be human and to have struggles; I’ll work on the positive growth on my own.

Name Withheld

A Win-Win for Charts [A Pitch for Pitching In / Issue 778]

I read the article about kids pitching in with household chores and thought I would add my two shekels. I created a chore chart because I was tired of the repetitive fights about who had done what last, who felt he/she was doing more than someone else, and being taken advantage of. Every child was sent a copy and note specifying what job they had on what day. I said if their laundry was placed in the laundry room the morning of their assigned day, I would be happy to do it for them. And if their tasks were done consistently throughout the week, they would each earn 50 shekels. My children are not young and have the ability to do household cleaning chores better than any cleaning woman. Baruch Hashem, it’s been win-win all around — less fighting, cleaner house, happier Mommy!

Deborah Kane Rosenberg

Ra’anana

Lessons for Life [Choose Joy / Issue 777]

I was so happy to see Elisheva Appel’s article about Rebbetzin Kamenetsky, whom I was fortunate to meet when I moved to Philadelphia 16 years ago. I heard she was always looking for people to learn with so I called her and we arranged to learn Sichos Mussar together.

Learning with her was one of the highlights of my years in Philly, and she taught me so many meaningful things, as well as practical ones like making my own yogurt (though mine never tasted as good as hers).

I’d like to share some personal insights I have learned from this very special woman, in hope that others will benefit from her wisdom as I did. I was extremely fortunate to sit next to her on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur for a couple of years. Once, a mother told her child who was leaning to look down from Reb Shmuel’s office (where we were sitting) into the beis medrash, “Be careful or you’ll fall down.”

The Rebbetzin immediately suggested that since koach hadibbur was so powerful, she should have said, “Be careful so you’ll be safe.” This invaluable lesson has been with me ever since.

One year on Yom Kippur, I left for an hour and came back before Ne’ilah. The Rebbetzin asked me what happened, and I told her I went home to rest because I wasn’t feeling so well. She said that I was so lucky because I was fortunate to fulfill “v’inisem es nafshoseichem” and proceeded to show me a beautiful piece from sefer Yesod V’shoresh Ha’avodah.

Everything was measured in how it affected our ability to be closer to Hashem. When my husband was in his final year of medical school, I confided in her that I was worried, because with the medical match for a residency program, you don’t know where you’ll end up. The Rebbetzin looked at me and said, “I don’t know why you are worried — you will end up where Hashem wants you to be.” From that moment on, I had menuchas hanefesh as she helped me attain a whole new level of bitachon.

Her ahavas Yisrael was unparalleled and her hakaras hatov and closeness to the Ribbono Shel Olam inspiring. She is truly missed.

Yael Buckstein

Riverdale, NY

50 years of Lessons [Choose Joy / Issue 777]

I am so grateful that Hashem gave me a relationship with the Rebbetzin that spanned 50 years.

I was in ninth grade when I first entered the Kamenetsky household. In all my years there, I only saw a state of calmness in the house. The Rebbetzin’s face shone with a smile and her eyes always sparkled. Never did she raise her voice. Never did I hear her say rebuke in front of others. Never did I hear a negative word.

The respect and love between the Rebbetzin and ybdlch”t the Rosh Yeshivah was gorgeous. When people went to the Rosh Yeshivah for eitzos, the Rebbetzin could tell by the answer if the question was posed correctly, for she knew exactly how the Rosh Yeshivah would answer. One time I had a very serious issue I had to bring to the Rosh Yeshivah. I knew I had to get my problem down to two sentences. I met with the Rebbetzin beforehand. The Rebbetzin spent one and a half hours with me, asking multiple questions. She was then able to give me the two sentences I needed to present the problem to the Rosh Yeshivah.

On my first Erev Shabbos in their house in ninth grade, the Rebbetzin gave me the job of washing the kitchen floor, explaining that this was to make me feel comfortable and part of the family, since each child had a job for Shabbos. One of her many wisdoms. I also remember hearing the Rebbetzin saying that when her boys were in yeshivah, they learned Torah to fulfill their kibbud av v’eim; at home, they fulfilled it by helping out in the house. The older boys were never home when I was there (for tzniyus reasons), but from observing the younger boys, the Rebbetzin did not ask for their help during the time they spent learning, but only from their free time.

We also saw how her children were paramount to her. She taught in the high school in Philly between the births of her children. But I never had her as a teacher, because by that time her youngest was born, and he would need her home as a full-time mother for years to come. At that point, the Rebbetzin also home- schooled her second-to-youngest child, until she entered first grade.

The Rebbetzin was a mechaneches par excellence. Her way of teaching was often through questions, getting us to think. Whether the Rebbetzin was talking to me or my daughter-in-law or to the women attending her Sunday morning class given in her home, the Rebbetzin often asked questions. Questions made us think. She would then guide us to help find the correct solutions.

Often the Rebbetzin would quote a maamar Chazal in response to something going on in the house as a learning moment for all those present. There were no Bais Yaakovs in her day, and Rebbetzin Kamenetsky attended public school and an after-school program for limudei kodesh. Seminary was her first full-time limudei kodesh schooling. Yet her knowledge was way above mine.

Excluding the years of her sickness, the Rebbetzin always wore a sheitel. I never saw her in a snood or tichel. As such, I was always careful to wear a sheitel in public. (In my house and when going to the local grocery store in Boro Park, I would wear a snood.) At some point after moving to an out-of-town community, I was considering wearing a snood in public when shopping at local stores (e.g., Walmart). When I asked the Rebbetzin about this, she said it has to do with my dignity. If my wearing a snood does not take away from how I feel about myself, if it does not take away from my dignity, I may wear it.

A few years before the Rebbetzin received her diagnosis, I entered the house as someone else, a woman with a few older single children, was leaving. The Rebbetzin was telling her to daven, Hashem will take care of it. After the woman left, the Rebbetzin told me it took a few years before she had any children, but she did not worry at all during that period of time. Why? Because Hashem is all giving.

Throughout her illness these were her thoughts. Hashem only wants to give. Why should I worry? Every time anyone would ask how she was doing she would answer with a big baruch Hashem, with her face alight and her eyes sparkling.

Marsha (Price) Eiserman

EFT: Accessible and Effective [Connection Wanted / Issue 777]

As a fellow EFT couples therapist, I was thrilled to see the article by Penina Flug, LCSW, illustrating some of the principles behind EFT couples therapy. I, too, was exposed to a number of different marriage therapy models before I learned about Emotion Focused Couples Therapy. Like Mrs. Flug, seeing the extraordinary power of EFT drew me in, as did its emphasis on attachment theory as a basis for understanding couple dynamics (especially appealing to me as an attachment researcher).

I wanted to follow up on Mrs. Flug’s article and underscore two powerful points that I think particularly speak to the many couples out there who may be struggling (or just want to work on their marriage) but are doubtful that couples therapy has much to offer.

The first point is the strong evidence base behind EFT couples therapy. EFT is the only couples therapy model that is based on a well-researched and validated understanding of adult bonds (that is, attachment theory). In the 35 years since it was first developed, dozens of randomized controlled trials as well as meta-analyses have consistently proven that EFT works. Based on some of the most recent data, a full 86 percent of couples in EFT report feeling happier in their marriages. Not only that, but recent research has repeatedly demonstrated that couples who engage in EFT couples therapy hold onto their improved marriages for years after therapy is completed, and in many cases show even greater improvement years down the line.

My second point is to echo a message that Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of EFT, is passionate about spreading: (almost) every couple has the potential to create a secure and joyous connection, and EFT couples therapy is an extremely accessible and doable way to achieve that connection. Aside from attending couples therapy (which, in the EFT model, can be a relatively brief 8- to 12-session course), Dr. Johnson has developed “Hold Me Tight” workshops for couples that are available both in-person and online (see holdmetightonline.com). There are a growing number of frum therapists in New York, New Jersey, and now in Israel who are trained in EFT couples therapy, and some are also offering community education workshops as well as Hold Me Tight workshops within the frum community.

Finally, Dr. Johnson has written a number of books for couples to read on their own to help them understand and apply the principles of couples therapy to improve their marriages on their own (e.g., Love Sense; Hold Me Tight). I highly recommend these books for any couple looking to increase the shalom bayis and joy in their own marriage.

Peryl Agishtein, Ph.D.

Award-Winning Reading [Through Your Eyes / Issue 776]

I just want to applaud Penina Steinbruch for her absolute masterpiece about the elderly husband caring for his wife. Her fiction story was so well written and just grabbed the reader till the very end. Bittersweet, of course, but it shows unbelievable devotion of a husband to a wife, unfortunately in painful circumstances. Everyone I showed the article to was speechless.  Award-winning quality reading!

M.G.

Yerushalayim

Beware Skiplagged [Family Living / Issue 774]

I fly fairly frequently since I live far from my family, but only heard about Skiplagged when you had a blurb about it in your magazine.

Before I had a chance to look into it, a friend of mine said that she had booked tickets via Skiplagged because she wanted inexpensive tickets and someone had told her to try it.

She is not an experienced flier and knew nothing about Skiplagged. She booked her ticket, and ended up not being allowed on her flight (despite being at the airport very early, and being very polite and mask-following, etc.) because the flight attendants were so annoyed that she was using Skiplagged and was only going to fly part of her ticket.

I think it would be helpful to note this in the magazine, as people (like myself!) follow your suggestions, and would not have any idea of possible negative repercussions, as well as potential chillul Hashem.

Rachelli Levine

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 780)