"Definitely don’t disqualify a potential partner based on background. But don’t be naive either"

Why’s It All Up to the Parents? [Battle Cry / Issue 770]

Miriam Yosef’s piece “Swallowing Frogs” about her struggling teen was totally heartbreaking. As Miriam shared, I know that rabbis and counselors all advise parents to swallow their pain, anger, and hopelessness. The change has to come from them.

But where is one iota of compassion for his/her parents and siblings on the part of the child who says, “This is me, get used to it,” as Miriam’s daughter did? How can a child have no feelings for the parents who raised her with love and devotion?

It is true that we can never give up on our children but it just seems so unfair that all the work has to be done by the parents and the rebellious child bears no responsibility whatsoever for his/her behavior.

A Mother in Jerusalem

Miriam Yosef responds:

I hope it’s not presumptuous of me to say that I understand the situation. I have compassion for all parents and children struggling with these dynamics.

If anyone in this situation would like to be together with other mothers, we are putting together an Internal Family Systems (IFS) confidential support group, led by Shira Fruchter, IFS clinician. It will be held in Jerusalem, in person, or over Zoom, depending on the needs of the members.

The goal of the group is to help the parents receive the support and compassion they need and deserve. Shira Fruchter can be contacted at shifruchie@gmail.com.

The Infamous Catalog [Sidekick / Issue 770]

After reading Esty Heller’s “Sidekick” column about buying Chanukah presents, and her kids’ reaction to “the infamous Catalog,” I would like to share how I dealt with the Chanukah toy catalog that arrived at our door, uninvited.

Before my kids got hold of the catalog, and before they had a chance to make lists of what they expect, and before they had a chance to become disappointed by my lack of cooperation, I did the following:

I gathered my kids for a family meeting. They looked at me curiously, wondering which planet I fell from when I asked them all to take a moment to think about whether they’re happy with their lives, if they feel their needs are being met. My kids all nodded and reassured me that yes, they’re generally content, and Ma, can you please act like a normal person again?

I then presented them with “the Catalog” and warned them that as soon as they peruse it, they will suddenly feel a great lack due to all the amazing toys and gadgets they’ll be introduced to. I reminded them that a moment ago, they were all perfectly happy, and they should keep that feeling of contentment in mind as they flip through the pages...

Well, to make a long story short, nobody asked for anything!

H. M.

New Jersey

Are You Up for It? [Addicted to Change / Issue 768]

I have a medical condition, serious enough to make me “second class” when it came to dating. Whenever a boy from a very prestigious or wealthy family was redt to me, that was an instant red flag: What’s his issue? Why’s he looking at a girl with my medical background?

There were a surprising number of boys who had battled addiction. I did some research and spoke to people who spouses had suffered or were suffering a similar condition, as well as professionals in the field. And though I admired the strength of the people fighting this illness, I was frightened by the intensity of the battle and the ramifications of regression.

That’s why I was awed by Meira’s statement, “I didn’t know much about addiction and recovery, but I also recognized that sitting across from me was a thought-out person I felt connected to and respected.” I’m so happy for her that because of his experiences, her spouse has turned out to be an exceptional version of himself.

But I think it’s important to note that a marriage in the shadow of addiction and recovery can be very complex. No, definitely don’t disqualify a potential partner based on background. But don’t be naive either. You need to know yourself, and whether this challenge — along with the benefits and emotional depth that it brings — is one you can handle, to ensure you’re not walking into a potential minefield.

Name withheld

Disposing of Challah [Heaping Scoop / Issue 768]

Regarding taking challah from baked goods, a few weeks ago the “Here’s a Halachah” column shared two ways the challah can be destroyed. Due to the serious halachic complications of having the challah bleed into the oven, there is a third method that many poskim, including Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach ztz”l, recommend. That is double-wrapping the challah and placing it in the garbage — as we do when separating terumos and maasros.

Label Sharfman, Jerusalem

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 772)