"Please, think about how it might feel to be undervalued, and often times, forgotten about."

Not “Just a Single” [Flying Colors / Issue 766]

There was almost an irony under the circumstances in which I read the very meaningful article about advice for singles. I read it on Shabbos, as an “older single” (in my mid-twenties) eating a Shabbos meal alone. I was sitting at a set table, eating my Shabbos food, alone, my heart hurting. This was not by choice — rather, it was a result of the lack of knowledge about the challenges of being single.

I most definitely try to maximize my time. I keep busy, have a fulfilling job, and enjoy various hobbies. I try to do chesed that I would not be able to do if I had a family. Yet I often find that my contributions are undervalued. Because I do not yet have the zechus of being married, my accomplishments are swept under the rug. Some of my initiatives have been unsuccessful because I’m “just a single girl.”

It breaks me to share that this was not the first Shabbos meal I have spent alone. I live far from family, and I write this letter to implore of the greater Jewish world: Look out for people like me. Extend a listening ear, a Shabbos invitation, validation. Value our ideas, professionalism, and contributions, as you would for someone the same age who is married. Open events to both single and married individuals. Treat us b’kavod. Marriage is not a privilege, it is a brachah.

Please, think about how it might feel to be undervalued, and often times, forgotten about.

With a brachah that all singles should be bentshed with the right one at the right time.

Name Withheld

Two Hearts [Flying Colors / Issue 766]

Thank you for giving a voice to a group in our society that demonstrates enormous inner strength, resilience, and gevurah in the face of a truly formidable life challenge. So many of the practical tips provided were truly spot on, and I value how you have empowered single women to share their strengths and lessons with those currently in the parshah. As a former single who struggled through painful years seeking my bashert, I would like to add to the discussion by sharing a perspective gifted to me by Rebbetzin Shlomis Eisenberg a”h, daughter of Rav Gifter ztz”l.

At the time of Krias Yam Suf, the malachim wanted to say Shirah (Sanhedrin 39:2). The Gemara teaches that Hashem forbade the malalchim from singing, saying, “My creations are drowning and you want to sing before me?” But we know that Klal Yisrael did sing. Why, asks Rav Elya Meir Bloch ztz”l, were Klal Yisrael permitted to sing and not the malachim? Because Klal Yisrael possess two hearts, with the ability to simultaneously experience two opposing emotions. The joy they experienced at the time of salvation did not detract from their ability to empathize with the suffering of the Mitzrim. Malachim do not possess this quality; it was beyond their capabilities to sing Shirah and feel for the tzaar of the drowning Egyptians.

Dear singles, your struggles, pain, and challenges are very real. Acknowledge, validate, and embrace the reality, and seek help if you need it. Please know that you have choices around your inner emotional world. This is Rav Bloch’s charge to you: Life happens. Others will celebrate simchahs at a time when you do not. You can be in their simchah and even enjoy it while acknowledging that you may simultaneously have a sad internal reality. You do not have to allow your challenge and sadness to define you or to limit your ability to take part in the simchah of others.

Challenging to put into practice? Yes. It requires lots of gevurah. Doable? Yes. And I know from firsthand experience. Rebbetzin Eisenberg shared this with me when I was in the hospital recovering from a full-term stillbirth (the previous pregnancy had been a stillbirth as well), the week of my son’s bar mitzvah. I am eternally grateful to her as it showed me how I could return home, go to shul the following Shabbos, listen to my son lein his parshah and then receive mazel tov wishes at the kiddush. Needless to say, as I went through my grief process, I revisited this perspective many times.

People that I’ve shared this with have expressed that the perspective is liberating for them. I hope you will experience it that way as well and that you will contact me via Family First to let me know.

S.G.

Not a Formality [Flying Colors / Issue 766]

One of the contributors to the article featuring advice for singles says, “If you want to get married, don’t stand on ceremony... do yourself a favor and just send the picture.

The definition of “don’t stand on ceremony” is “insist on the observance of formalities.” But sending a picture is fundamentally wrong; it is not a formality.

When my daughter was dating, and a picture was requested, my response was no. And the boy who said no to her for that reason was the one who lost a great opportunity.

We should all stand strong on fundamental issues, and not make them into formalities.

C. Kramer

Lakewood, NJ

Keep Your Parents Close [I’m Stuck / Issue 766]

I am writing in response to the “I’m Stuck,” written by a woman who is concerned about her elderly parents’ plan to move away from her. I am convinced that there is not one tactic unworthy of being stooped to if it means preventing elderly, dependent parents from moving away from family to a rural area.

I am a longtime rural American. Any service an elderly person could possibly need is in short supply here, from handymen to home health aides to cleaning help — and if you can’t drive, forget it. Seeing specialists usually means waiting for months. Don’t even get me started on shoveling snow, or finding someone to help you during a heat wave when everyone’s air conditioning fails at the same time.

These shortages are not unique to my zip code, but are part of larger trends plaguing rural areas across the globe, predating today’s pandemic-induced labor shortage by many years. Rural areas lack the infrastructure and economies of scale to support many services that are critical to the elderly, such as cleaning services, home health agencies, taxis that show up in time, etc. Donald Trump’s 2016 victory was largely fueled by the loss of rural manufacturing jobs to China, forcing many rural areas to fill their budget deficits with tax revenue from industries no one wants to live near, like prisons. Rural main streets commonly feature homeless felons who can’t find legal occupations, and there is little stopping them from answering ads to shovel snow or mow lawns. Unfortunately, I am definitely speaking from experience.

Also predating (yet exacerbated by) the pandemic is the trend of rich city people buying second homes in the countryside. This has increased the demand for services like snow shoveling while adding nothing to that labor pool (and often pricing it out of the housing market).

The long-life expectancies we’re blessed with today are often thanks to constant medical interventions. Caring for elderly parents is more taxing on the younger generation than ever, often necessitating the once unthinkable option of institutionalizing one’s beloved parents. I personally know a couple who are shelling out half a million dollars to cram a cottage into their small suburban backyard due to the overwhelming burden of caring for an elderly mother a mere mile away, and they live right outside a major city! Just because caring for your parents is manageable now does not mean that they always will be, especially if you have to go running out to Yehupitzville every time they can’t balance on a ladder to change a lightbulb.

The letter writer’s priority should be the legitimate needs of their children, not the frivolous preferences of their parents. The sad truth is that you cannot do justice by both. Our children need everything we possibly have to offer. Running off to the hinterlands every time your elderly parents need help will put a completely unconscionable burden on your ability to raise a family, and you may never get a chance to undo the damage.

Concerned Child

Happy Birthday —To Mom [Milestones / Issue 765]

Rebbetzin Shira Smiles’ discussion of birthday celebrations was comprehensive and so appreciated. We all hope and pray that our birthdays will be joyous and meaningful, may they keep coming, with G-d’s help!

Allow me to add one detail that enhanced my own birthday celebration. At some point in my adult life, I decided to focus on my dear mother a”h on my birthday. She was the one who carried me for nine long months, gave birth to me, cared for me, tended to my needs and raised me with great devotion. In celebrating my mother and her role in my life, my birthday became even more meaningful.

As our mothers age, and their lives become more limited, whatever joy we can bring to them is so appreciated and worthwhile. The more love, the more appreciation expressed, the more our lives are enhanced.

Miriam Liebermann

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 768)