"Being single is hard enough. I don’t need to be single and blamed for it"

The Reason He’s Picky [Words Unspoken / Issue 741]

Thank you so much for your excellent Words Unspoken, written by a former older single, about how she wishes people wouldn’t judge her for being “picky.” I was once like that — frustrated when the singles I redt shidduchim to said no for reasons that I deemed immaterial or superficial, sure that the only reason they were still single was because of the ludicrous criteria they’d set for themselves.

Until I had a son in shidduchim. Now I’m the one being lambasted for his pickiness, being told that he’s the reason he’s still single. But I know my son: He’s not picky because he thinks he can “do better,” he’s picky because hurting a girl devastates him. After five-plus years in shidduchim, he knows himself — and he knows that certain qualities or realities won’t work for him. He’s in touch with himself and his needs, and so he doesn’t want to put a girl in a position where he knows he’ll likely hurt her when he says no.

It’s an awful feeling to get a no from a boy you want to date. But please know that he might just be saying no because he wants to spare you from the pain you’d feel if he said no after you date.

The Boy’s Mother

Please Trust Me [Words Unspoken / Issue 741]

I’m an older single writing in response to the Words Unspoken about judging singles for being too picky, and wow, can I relate to it — the judgment we singles get from all ends, the pitying looks tinged with blame. “Marriage is about compromise,” said my wise friend, who’d married the first boy she met at 19. “If you can’t even compromise on the type of boy you want to meet, how will you be able to have a healthy marriage?” And don’t even get me started on the reaction of shadchanim, if I dare to say no to a boy they’ve redt me.

Please, trust me. Trust me that I’m talking to the people that I need to talk to, that I have mentors, parents, and yes, a therapist. Trust me that I’ve asked a rav about hishtadlus in shidduchim, and what reasons are valid ones for saying no. Trust me that I know myself — what will and won’t work for me, and which dates will do more to hurt than to help me.

Because being single is hard enough. I don’t need to be single and blamed for it.

Name Withheld

Check the Back Seat [Lifetakes / Issue 740]

I have such gratitude to Leora Klinberg for writing “The Things We Don’t Talk About,” in which she describes how she and her husband got so worked up by an argument they were having that they inadvertently left their newborn in the car. Baruch Hashem her story had a happy ending. It is absolutely crucial that we all realize that the vast majority of times this happens, as described in the article, it’s not due to any sort of negligence on the part of the parents, or the parents being under the influence. It’s due to the normal distractions or changes in routine that we all find in our everyday lives.

This happened to an acquaintance of mine, whose job it is (like mine) to educate on child-passenger safety. She and her husband were discussing whether their baby should go with her to the supermarket, or whether he should nap at home with the husband. Finally they decided that the baby would go with her, but the husband put him in the car while she was getting ready to leave. The baby fell asleep immediately in the car. She arrived at the supermarket, and as we all do, focused immediately on the shopping list and getting out of there. It hadn’t really registered in her mind that the baby was with her. After about 20 minutes at the supermarket, as in the article, she screamed and ran outside. Thank G-d, her baby was overheated but alive. She made sure to publicize this — she educates on this issue, yet she wasn’t immune.

As the summer months approach, we all must put safeguards in place even when we think we won’t need them. Here are some ideas — leave your left shoe in the back seat, or set a phone alarm for a few minutes after the arrival time to remind you to check for the baby, or arrange with a spouse or babysitter to text you to confirm the baby has been taken out of the car. As we well know, frum people lead very busy lives, often with many kids and many types of distractions in the mix. We need authors like Leora Klinberg to remind us that this can happen to any of us.

Lani Harrison

Child Passenger Safety Technician

Another Simchah Must-Have [Family Living / Issue 740]

I enjoyed reading the Simchah SOS list with ideas for items to pack in case of minor wedding emergencies. It was comprehensive and so helpful. I wanted to add another item that was a tremendous help at my daughters’ weddings. It’s called Gonzo and it removes makeup stains from gowns that are dry clean only. I was so grateful I didn’t have to walk around with someone’s lipstick on my gown all night. Another tip I got was to pack the items in a box, not in a bag, for easy access.

M. K.

Missing the Point [Inbox 740]

I’d like to respond to the reader who wrote that the solution to absolve our young adult girls of shidduch panic is to look for a shidduch that is not asking for financial support.

Respectfully, I think you’re missing the point. The panic that young girls feel when faced with the consideration that finding a shidduch won’t be so easy has nothing to do with finances. There are people from wealthy families and individuals who are not looking for support who still struggle with finding a shidduch straight out of seminary.

“A sense of panic evolves when there are unreasonable and ridiculous realities put into place,” you write. But hundreds of girls who are not looking for anything unreasonable or extreme still feel a sense of hopelessness and panic that they aren’t getting married as soon as they “should be.” I myself was looking for a working boy and was b’davka not looking for support, and I still struggled with feelings of inadequacy when my friends dated more frequently and got married before me.

I’m not sure why money is even a factor here. The conversation should be: How can we raise our children with a level of emunah and bitachon that is strong enough that they feel secure and protected even when things aren’t going how they envisioned? How can we instill in them the security that if they do their hishtadlus and if they daven, they don’t need to worry? When you said “asking seminary teachers to address these deeply rooted societal problems by conveying emunah to the girls is really missing the point,” I have to respectfully disagree there as well. Conveying emunah is literally the entire point, and it needs to start way before seminary.

Fellow Reader

More Freedom Needed [Inbox 740]

I would like to respond to a letter signed by “A Reader,” in which the writer suggests that panic over shidduchim can be stopped teaching more responsibility to young women and couples in kollel. First of all, this approach has to do with life after marriage so I fail to understand how this helps curb the panic of women who remain single. Second, this idea suggests that young couples can support themselves if they are willing to make do with less, which, kollel or not, is not the case. “Reader” reinforces the idea that if women have a degree and job by the ridiculous age of 20 and can support themselves, the panic will be gone.

This panic begins very early on for a lot of us. We cannot possibly be able to support a husband at that age. This letter basically says what the dating system already does: You cannot get a date unless your degree will take less than two years.

This approach leads to two outcomes: Many women enter fields that require degrees they can obtain quickly, but that make very little money and lead to low job satisfaction. Others enter their field of choice which often requires more years of schooling and thus get no dates — hence the panic.

The only solution I can think of is that we have to allow more movement for women. We need to make it possible to follow the path you want and also be able to date. And the societal pressure put on women to get married so young must dissipate.

My panic did not come from me or my seminary teachers. It comes from pressure. The ideal we set for young women is unacceptable. We cannot have our lives figured out and a stable, well-paying job at such young ages. It’s not possible. So please stop expecting it, and maybe give us a first date even if you might have to support us through some more schooling. This panic is not of our creation, and we alone cannot end it.

A Stressed-Out Young Woman

No Time to Waste [Issue 739]

In the Real Life account “Gift Box,” when the parents realize their four-year-old daughter has type 1 Diabetes (T1D), the father wants to go to the hospital immediately. But the mother, who has T1D herself, needs a night for her emotional wellbeing and wants to go calmly after a night’s sleep and taking the other kids to school. “A single night will not make a difference,” she says.

But it’s not uncommon for someone who was just diagnosed with type 1 diabetes to be in diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA). When the body doesn’t have enough insulin to break down glucose, it breaks down fats to use energy, creating ketones in the process. A buildup of these ketones can lead to DKA, which can be life-threatening.

When my daughter was diagnosed as a T1D, she was in DKA, was in the ICU for three days, the hospital for a week — and she was a lucky one. Our doctors told us afterward that diabetic ketoacidosis can be fatal. It’s not something to play around with. You can’t wait to care for it until you have the time to mentally process it. The only thing you can do is go straight to the hospital, because your child’s life may depend on it.

No one should read this story and think it is okay to wait to check out a suspected type 1 diabetes diagnosis. T1D is very manageable. Yes, it’s hard, yes, you will need support, and time to process the diagnosis — but all that comes after your child is safe and medically cared for.

Etti Goldman

Vancouver, Canada

Interview Your Therapist [Who Can Help Me? / Issue 739]

Thank you for your articles on finding a good match in a therapist.

The search for the right one can be very frustrating and demoralizing, especially after previous poor experiences in therapy. Something I encourage new clients to do is to consider the first number of sessions — as many as they need — as a trial period or extended interview. This way, if it’s not the right match, they haven’t experienced a failure in therapy, but have decided that this individual is not the right fit. It’s a much more empowering and hopeful mindset.

Yosef Reich, Psy.D.

Let’s Make the System Better [Who Can Help Me? / Issue 739]

I’m following the ongoing conversation about therapy with interest.

To the writer who’s “been there” and thinks it’s time for a new system that affords more transparency, I couldn’t agree more. But until that system is developed, we can each do our part in making the current system work better. Let’s maximize the transparency the amazing referral agencies provide. If you are a client who had a concerning experience, please pick up the phone or drop an email and let the referral agencies know. After all, it’s the client — who’s alone behind closed doors with a therapist — who sees what no outsider, even a colleague or peer, can see, and that information is priceless when it comes to referrals. That’s also a reason not to rely only on the recommendation of those who know therapists in a professional capacity alone. Find out from those who have knowledge based on personal experience, and check in with a referral agency.

Also, a lot can be sensed even in the first phone call. If a therapist is making you uncomfortable for any reason during the first call, try another one to see if you’re more at ease, and only then make your decision. The therapist I currently see was the fourth one I called when I was looking for a therapist. All of the other ones I called before her came recommended and are all wonderful, but one put me on the defensive, one was too chatty for me, and one too no-nonsense. I’m happy I asked for more referrals and didn’t settle for anything but total comfort.

As a recipient of both bad (terrible) and good (amazing) therapy, I couldn’t agree more with the words of Rabbi Goldwasser that “It is also critical that the chizuk for Torah should be incorporated within the therapeutic process.” The starkest difference I saw between bad therapy and good therapy was what it did to my connection with Hashem, and I’m so grateful that my therapist provides help that is both emotionally and spiritually wholesome.

And one final message to those who get wary when red flags are raised and want to throw out the baby with the bathwater, I say: If you’ve been with an incompetent therapist, please, please don’t despair. I’m so glad I didn’t give up after being through the wringer, and instead tried again. There are some incompetent practitioners, but the world has so many amazing, caring, competent therapists.

A Therapy Client

Best Use of Her Talents [Where She Shines / Issue 738]

I enjoyed Ariella Schiller’s fiction story about the PA who felt stifled with no job, but guilty once she took a demanding job that forced her to miss out on several of her children’s milestones. The story really did a great job capturing the angst that faces so many of us women these days, trying to be good mothers, faithful employees, partial or full breadwinners, and also true to ourselves on some level.

I wasn’t sure about the conclusion though, when she decided to take a low-pressure, very part-time job. On the face of it, it seemed like the perfect compromise — family-friendly hours and less time spent in a high-pressure atmosphere. But I know women like this heroine, who are also extremely intelligent, highly skilled, and thrive in a high-pressure, high-demand atmosphere — and I doubt that solution would work for any of them. Of course each one has had to work to find a balance that allows them to be a good wife and mother, but denying their very essence, and dare I say, squelching their G-d-given talents, doesn’t seem to be it.

When Hashem gives a woman brains, stamina, and a proclivity for something like medicine, chances are good that He would be pleased if she used them to help and heal His creations, not to keep Excel charts of four-course suppers. I’d bet that if this woman would have discussed her dilemma with a knowledgeable and experienced rav, he would not have advised her to ignore the way she comes alive and feels like she is fulfilling her purpose there in the emergency room.

The other point that left me uneasy was the fact that she felt “bored” by her husband. If this woman feels bored by her husband, the solution is probably not to drastically cut down her time doing activities that stimulate and fulfill her. She will be even more bored and even less fulfilled when he comes home. With no outside activities or stimulation to feed that growing pit, her poor husband will be met with increasingly unrealistic expectations for intellectual and emotional fulfillment, and there is no way he will ever live up to them.

This woman needs to make sure she is fulfilled and stimulated without relying on her husband — and then, she also needs to do something else equally important: Find new meeting points and new qualities that she admires and respects in his very different personality, build their suppertime conversation around them, and realize that her husband is still someone to look up to. With such different personalities and interests, this can be hard work, but it’s vital work. And leaving the emergency room for some boring part-time job is not going to be the shortcut she needs.

Rivka G.,

Monsey, NY

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 742)