"Although they are well intentioned, there are inexperienced, unsupervised, and untrained professionals out there who should not be practicing as psychotherapists"

Divine Timing [Family Reflections / Issue 740]

Dear Sarah Chana Radcliffe,

In last week’s article, “Reason for Concern,” you write about how we should react when tragedy strikes, when Hashem sends us “an overdose of death consciousness” — that we shouldn’t be paralyzed but instead “repair our relationships [and] fulfill our spiritual, emotional, and physical potential.” It seemed to me that your piece had a spark of nevuah in it — Hashem sending us a refuah before the makkah.

On Lag B’omer, all of Klal Yisrael were walking around in a daze, in mourning, in shock. A friend of mine’s son was missing and we prepared for Shabbos with words of Tehillim on our lips. An hour before Shabbos we got the message: Baruch Dayan HaEmes. There was a grieving family in Manchester, a young almanah.

We thought about all the mothers, wives, sisters of our brethren in Eretz Yisrael preparing for Shabbos in pain. I bentshed licht in sorrow, with so many questions: How? Why did such a tragedy occur? Then I opened the Family First and read your article. Hashem’s love for His children was so clearly apparent — your inspiring article on death consciousness was printed on the exact week when every Jewish woman needed an extra ounce of chizuk.

May you continue to provide chizuk and growth for all your sisters around the world.

N. Rubinstein

You’re Not Alone — and You’re Not Cruel [Inbox / Issue 740]

I am writing in response to the discussion about finding a good therapist.

The snide remarks of her therapist lead the protagonist of the initial feature, Malka, to believe that she has borderline personality disorder (BPD). In researching this disorder, Malka is “horrified” at the thought that she may be mirroring some of the traits she reads about. She asks herself, “Was I cruel? Did I have borderline personality disorder?”

This, I feel, is an unfair and gross misrepresentation of borderline personality disorder. Your magazine attempts to cover the entire gamut of mental health difficulties and problems, and yet the first time this particular disorder is mentioned in your pages, it has been done so with so much contempt.

While borderline personality disorder unfortunately has received quite “bad press” — mainly due to the tendency of individuals toward self-harm/suicidal behaviors — this does not make individuals suffering from this disorder “cruel.”

Borderline individuals tend to experience strong and intense emotions, often due to trauma or an emotionally invalidating childhood environment, and while this may cause difficulties in regulating their everyday emotions, this does not in any way imply that they are bad or malevolent. Rather, they are suffering — and as such require love, validation, and acceptance from the others around them, and most importantly, from themselves.

An extremely competent and well-respected psychiatrist in the community once expressed to me the belief that many rebbetzins and mental health professionals do in fact have borderline personality tendencies. This is perhaps due to their tendency to experience emotions deeply, leading to a greater ability to empathize with others. I myself have been diagnosed with possessing some borderline personality traits, and I am both a rebbetzin in the mainstream chareidi community and pursuing a career in mental health. Marsha Linehan, psychologist and creator of DBT, suffered for many years with mental health problems associated with borderline personality, before pioneering this innovative therapeutic approach to benefit fellow sufferers.

I firmly believe that borderline personality need not hold people back, but rather, when their emotions and behaviors are appropriately regulated, these individuals can be deeply caring, empathetic, and outstanding members of our society.

If anyone out there felt the same way after reading this article, please know that you are not alone, you are not cruel, and you are able to heal, learn new ways of processing intense emotions, and live as a healthy and giving member of our community.

An Anonymous Rebbetzin

Finding the Right Fit [Inbox / Issue 740]

I have read with interest the recent series of articles on psychotherapy. As a longtime therapist, I find it shameful and inexcusable that some people have experienced increased psychological pain and suffering as a result of bad therapy — but harsh realities need to be acknowledged and validated.

Although there is no one definition of therapy, I think many clinicians would agree that at its core, psychotherapy is a tool to reduce emotional pain. This can be done in a variety of ways: by helping increase insight and understanding of relationship dynamics and issues; by identifying from the client what his goals are; by assisting the client in formulating a plan of action to achieve his stated goals; by helping the client identify the roadblocks involved in realizing his goals; by believing in the client’s ability to work toward the goals that he has set for himself; and by offering support and encouragement that is often unavailable in other areas of his life.

What good therapy doesn’t do: coerce someone into thinking or doing something he doesn’t want to do.

While it’s true that having dissatisfying or hurtful experiences with any helping professional is upsetting, the fact that clients entering psychotherapy are often in a place of heightened vulnerability makes a negative experience that much worse.

Although they are well intentioned, there are inexperienced, unsupervised, and untrained professionals out there who should not be practicing as psychotherapists. An important skill of a good clinician is the ability to refrain from advising the client about what she should do regarding life decisions. This is a crucial component to good therapy that is sometimes underestimated, or at worst overlooked.

Though nothing is guaranteed, there are some steps a person can take prior to beginning therapy to increase the likelihood of a positive outcome.

Here are some questions a person can and should ask their potential therapist:

1. Is the therapist a licensed mental health professional — and how long has he or she been practicing?
2. Does the therapist have formal training in a specific method of treatment that applies to your issue?
3. Does the therapist have experience with your particular issue or concern?
4. Is the therapist familiar with frum culture and has he or she worked with other clients in our community?
5. What type of timeline does the therapist envision, and what are the indicators that treatment is heading in the right direction?

Similar to medical providers, licensed mental health clinicians are bound to a code of ethics and are under the jurisdiction of the state licensing board in which they practice. Concerns regarding ethical behavior should certainly be reported.

This series of articles has raised many points, but to give the message that psychotherapy should only be considered as a last resort — like heart surgery — is misleading and potentially dangerous.

I have seen many people get significant relief from issues that reduce their sense of satisfaction and calm in daily life — both clients of mine, and friends and family who have experienced the process.

Suffering in silence almost always increases the severity of emotional pain — and its effects on a person and his family. I encourage people to continue their search for reduction in distress and increase in calm by finding that therapist who is a good fit.

Lisa Traiger, LCSW

Passaic, NJ

Maintaining My Image [Ring Me / Issue 740]

I smiled as I read this week’s “Ring Me,” because I totally relate to Hadassah, the girl who was so not high maintenance, yet was bothered by the lack of style in the boy she was dating.

I noticed this tendency in myself. For example, I’m not into brand names or matching my kids, but I insist that they be dressed in somewhat stylish clothing. For the longest time, I refused to put leggings on my toddler son, but when I realized I was the only person not doing it, I gave in despite all my grumbling that leggings are for girls, so that my kids wouldn’t stand out as “out of style.”

This made me wonder — am I into image or am I not? And then I realized that I strive for balance because I value truth — not despite valuing truth. Real truth is a balance.

That said, I soon realized that I’m not as innocent as I would like to think in the “caring about my image” department. Some people focus on their image when it comes to clothing; I focus on my image in different ways. For example, when I had a difficult postpartum period after the birth of one of my kids, I refused to ask my husband for the extra help I so desperately needed, because he was studying in kollel, and I was nervous that people would think I didn’t take my husband’s learning seriously.

So, to all the Hadassahs out there: Truth is your strength, which means balance is your strength. But be on the lookout. Our strengths are also our weaknesses. Don’t be fooled into thinking that you don’t care about image. Find out where in your life you do care about it, and know that that’s where your internal work begins.

Name Withheld

A Bookworm’s Confessions [Lifetakes / Issue 739]

The Lifetakes article in this week’s magazine by the woman who realized that she loved reading too much really struck something deep inside of me. Oh, my gosh, I totally relate to Chana Gluck.

There are many people who pride themselves on loving to read — but some of us (as my husband loves to point out) are addicted to reading. And yes, it can be an addiction — when you can’t go to sleep knowing you’ll have nothing to read tomorrow, or when you run to the other side of town to pick up a book from someone.

Unlike Chana, I’m still working on breaking that addiction. I love reading too much — I live it, breathe it, and eat it. So I’m clipping this article to use as a bookmark (just kidding!) so that I can hopefully be inspired by Chana’s courageous act, and eventually come join her.

Thanks for this article — it’s brought me a step closer in the right direction.

Tzippy W.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 741)