"Not every therapist-client match is a shidduch. But every therapist-client interaction should be positive and growth oriented"

Finding the Right Real Therapist [Can You Help Me? / Issue 736]

Thank you for the wisdom and bravery you display by publishing the article by Elisheva Appel, “Can You Help Me?” about how to make sure that your therapist is competent and qualified.

In her narrative, Malka Jacobs so poignantly captures the unrelenting confusion that comes along with bad therapy and the pain caused by her therapist “Rachel.” She illustrates how a thinking person can fall so hard when she is just trying to do the right thing and work on herself.

Some would say that this kind of literature is alarmist, that we’ve come so far in embracing mental health treatment, and that we shouldn’t scare people off because of the few bad apples. To this I say, think of all the awareness and education our community has provided in recent years about children’s safety. Are we concerned about children being wary of every human in sight? Not really; the danger of abuse and molestation is so severe that this is clearly a risk worth taking. Similarly, the danger of bad therapy is so great that it’s worth risking people being exceptionally cautious when starting out in therapy (if that’s even a risk at all).

We say that clients should “trust their gut.” This is true. In every situation, we should trust — or at least listen to — our gut. But what of the myriad people who are entering therapy precisely because they don’t know how to trust their gut? They are ready to start healing from a life of suppressing their inner voice — and then they meet a “Rachel” who only makes them doubt themselves more.

I’ll never forget the heartbreaking call for a reference that I received.

“I’ve been to many therapists,” the woman said. “They were great. I’m not great.”

And she truly believed that! Because the therapists had not been able to help her, she was left worse off than when she started.

Not every therapist-client match is a shidduch. But every therapist-client interaction should be positive and growth oriented. Yes, sessions can be painful, but as Malka discovered, the real presence of a therapist can be healing.

I’m really excited about this article — and the future installments to come — because it’s so important to raise this awareness. Often, even after you overcome the fear and hesitation of starting therapy, there might be additional steps to take to find the right therapist. It doesn’t mean there’s no hope for you, and it doesn’t mean you’re not trying hard enough.

If it doesn’t feel good, you don’t have to go back!

Tzipora Schiffer, LMSW

Certified Peer Specialist

Our Little Secret [Inbox / Issue 736]

During the pre-Pesach rush, I peeked into the Family First inbox and had to smile when I saw F. Landau’s letter about how not every frum woman enjoys cooking, and suggesting that Family Table do a column of takeout tips. The fact that halfway around the globe a frum Jewish woman okays being normal (not superwoman) gave me the energy I needed to put the finishing touches on whatever needed doing.

Thank you, F. Landau! Next time someone tells you that all frum women love cooking, bar the front door, pull down the blinds, tiptoe down to the basement, and let them in on the secret. We love cooking and cleaning and mending clothes. We do it all effortlessly, humming a melody as we go along. It’s just an act of chesed that we sometimes buy takeaway or hire a maid. We want everyone to have parnassah!

Just like all frum men are musical and have a talent for teaching — they start training their kids to lein when they are in kindergarten, and all their sons are ready to read Mattos-Massei, easy as (homemade) pie, by their 13th birthday, with Megillas Esther to boot!

It’s only for chesed reasons that they sometimes hire a kollel yungerman to help out, so that he can make ends meet.

Yael Heller

Not Always Awful [Inbox / Issue 736]

I am responding to the letter “They’ll Sleep Eventually,” in which the writer cautioned that sleep training can have “harmful effects” and advises readers that “it really isn’t the only option.”

The letter writer seems to think that the only method of sleep training is to let your kid cry for hours on end without responding to their needs. Do you know there are so many ways to sleep train, and many of them are very gentle methods? Do you think you should tell a mother whose eight-month-old child is waking up every two hours at night that she shouldn’t teach her child how to sleep better? An overtired mother or father will not be a good parent, spouse, or human being.

Sleep training is often necessary, and there are many ways to sleep train other than “let the kid scream.” Working with a sleep coach means learning about wake times and figuring out a good schedule. It benefits you and your baby: A well rested happy baby is better for his or her development overall. So please don’t imply that all sleep training is awful and will mess up your kid. That is just completely not true.

Sara B.

It Ripped Through My Shame [Inbox / Issue 735]

I didn’t have what it takes to get myself help and support for living with an addict, so I’ve been sitting on secrets of betrayal and pain for over 20 years. The letter you printed this week from a spouse who lives with someone who violates the very core values that a marriage is built on ripped through all my layers of shame and resistance.

Because your magazine is willing to write about the harsh truths that exist, there will now possibly be another Jewish woman who will no longer have to cry herself to sleep and wet her pillow at night. Thank you to the brave person who submitted the letter.

F.J.

Just Call [Inbox / Issue 735]

I am writing in response to the letter to the editor last week from a Hatzalah wife asking people to think of who they are calling out of shul or waking up and decide if their call is really an emergency.

From another Hatzalah wife, I ask that you don’t think. Just call.

Yes, it can be incredibly challenging to be a Hatzalah wife. I’ve been left alone in Gourmet Glatt and had to ask for delivery and walk home. I’ve been late to work as my husband drives to a call. I’ve started to keep my husband’s spare key in my wallet, and I always take my license, as I never know when I’ll end up taking our car with me while he goes on to the hospital with the “bus.” I’ve learned to make Kiddush, Havdalah, and finish the Seder.

As a former EMT, I know that even what people think is not an emergency can become an emergency in seconds.

So don’t take those seconds to think. Just call.

Or walk over and knock on our door — yes, even late Friday night.

Don’t worry, my husband will make it up to me.

Mrs. RL-89

Growing into Our Challenges [Split / Issue 734]

This week’s final installment of the diary serial “Split” really touched me. Eleven years ago we lost our son to suicide and a number of people said to me: “Hashem gives challenges to people who are strong enough to handle them.” At the time, I wasn’t sure how to respond, nor was I sure that I agreed with the sentiment. Today, like Shoshana Green, I also believe that “Hashem gives us challenges and along the way, we grow into the people who can handle them. And He doesn’t expect us to do it alone.”

I didn’t have the words to express that thought. Now I do. Thank you.

Caela Kaplowitz, Baltimore, MD

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 737)