"While people sometimes worry that the person may not want a call or visit, who says a call/visit is intrusive — what did we do before texting?"

Beating Burnout [Just Chillin’ / Issue 731]

Thank you for your important article on yeshivah bochur burnout and the sense of powerlessness parents feel in this situation. It is so painful to have intuitively known that your son needed guidance, your request for help went unheeded, and then to watch in horror his deterioration. I have unfortunately encountered too many bochurim just like your son in my practice.

There’s an important distinction between a bochur who is learning all the time because he would like to grow in Torah and a bochur who is learning to ward off his sense of inadequacy. One is rooted in ahavas haTorah while the other is derived from sinas atzmo (self-hatred).

The first bochur pushes himself and feels good that he is moving in the right direction. In contrast, the second bochur learns but doesn’t feel a sense of accomplishment, regardless of his growth. He keeps learning incessantly in the hope that this will make him feel whole. Despite the constant learning, his emptiness continues to grow. These bochurim are constantly berating themselves as failures.

After spending countless hours of learning under the stress of self-criticism, the mind begins to shut down and the bochur is no longer able to learn. This is the way the mind protects the bochur from his own ruthless demands. Typically, the bochur is then diagnosed with a fatigue disorder or censured for slacking off.

There is hope for these bochurim to become healthy. They need their parents and rebbeim to understand that they’ve just lived through a trauma. Unbeknownst to them, they have sadly succeeded in eradicating their psychological core. If they are surrounded with empathy and warmth, receive proper hadrachah, and, when needed, the help of a therapist, their minds can trust them again to allow them to learn Torah — this time with self-compassion and love.

When both parents and rebbeim are sensitive to the possibility that some of our “thriving bochurim” may be silently suffering, we can b’ezras Hashem get these bochurim help before they fall.

Dov Finkelstein, LCSW, Passaic, NJ

Saving Lives, One Heart at a Time [A Mother’s Heart / Issue 731]

The story shared by Mayer’s mom about her infant who struggled for months with a rare heart problem conveyed a very strong message about the power of positive thinking and fully relying on Hashem. But what inspired me to actually take time to write this letter was the role that Mrs. Chaya Waks and her amazing organization, Yameitz Libechu, played in Mayer’s recovery.

Mrs. Waks and her husband, founders of YLHearts have, for many years, devoted themselves, literally b’lev v’nefesh, to countless heimish families who have suddenly found themselves forced to deal with the shocking, devastating news that their precious child’s heart was defective. I hope that one day a best-seller will be compiled from the true stories about the lives they’ve saved, one heart-challenged ben and bas Yisrael at a time. And I am certain that one day, they and their devoted volunteers and staff members will be amply rewarded by HaKadosh Baruch Hu for their superhuman efforts on behalf of the heart-challenged.

Mrs. Sarah Birnhack

Why Are You Sharing Names? [MatchQuest / Issue 730]

I’d like to respond to the anonymous questioner in the MatchQuest column who asked how she should react to people calling her for shidduch information anonymously.

I am one of those many mothers who has made numerous phone calls about prospective shidduchim for my children. I’m a warm and friendly person and so I do introduce myself... although reluctantly. Without fail, the girls will hang up and then share with their friend, “Mrs. So-and-So just called about you” or “ I just gave such great info about you to Mrs. So-and-So.”

I always wonder, what is the thrill in sharing such sensitive info? Don’t they realize it could be hurtful? If I’m respecting and trusting them enough to share their name, why do most girls then betray that trust and share it with the girl being researched? It has come back to me numerous times that a girl’s family feels hurt that I “rejected” their daughter — when the shidduch never even got off the ground.

A while down the road, one of my daughters-in-law said to me in a light moment, “Boy! You didn’t leave a stone unturned. You spoke to everyone I know about me.” That was obviously an exaggeration — but it means that more than two people reported back to her.

Another daughter-in-law once told me, “My friends were so impressed with your thought-out questions,” then went on to detail how our conversations went, not realizing that it would upset me.

This should explain to you why mothers are reluctant to disclose their names, even if you feel more guarded that way. It’s because of the damage caused by those girls who share the names of people who’ve called them, and the way that damages relationships between friends and community members.

You mention your seminary teacher, who advised you not to give information to anonymous callers, but what about the sem teacher who taught you the responsibility of shemiras halashon and respecting another’s secret privacy?

The shidduch process is a delicate one. There’s a lot at stake. It’s a shame that the girls we need to help us out view it as an exciting game. So why do you blame the questioner for choosing to remain anonymous?

Name Withheld

Why Is Your Name My Business? [MatchQuest / Issue 730]

Last week’s question about shidduch information to an anonymous caller left me thinking. As far as I remember, when people called me up to ask information about my friends, they did not always give their names. Honestly, I don’t remember if this bothered me much, although I do understand why it might be uncomfortable to speak to an unknown caller, especially when they seem to have the upper hand.

But it seems to me that we should keep in mind what the purpose of the call is. Obviously, random people are not going to call up to ask questions about your relative or friend — and I think it is reasonable to ask where the caller got your number from, in order to dispel some level of uncertainty. But what business is it of mine who is calling to find out information about my friend?! Do I really want to tell her who called to ask about her?

One important aspect of the shidduch system is that the involved parties do not get involved in the preliminary proceedings as much as possible. Tzniyus should be part of the process from the beginning, including references knowing who is being suggested when, something that would inevitably occur when parties do announce who is calling.

In regards to whether information may be lashon hara, maybe it’s just me, but I fail to understand why it should make a difference what the name of the caller is. If they are calling about a shidduch and halachah mandates that information be revealed, why should it matter if you know the caller or their moniker?

On the contrary, as I understand it, information must be as unbiased as possible, based on the questions asked, not who is looking for it. There are stories about families searching for information and references trying to provide them with what they want to hear. Do we want to fall into that trap, even subconsciously, by knowing who is asking?

May Hashem grant a yeshuah to all those searching for their bashert b’karov.

Tali Rosenfeld

I Knew I’d Made It [Mother in Bloom / Issue 730]

I really enjoyed the Mother in Bloom article, which shared parenting advice from different mothers.

Here’s a question I wish you’d added: “When were you made aware of the good job you did as a mother?” After many years of mothering my boys, my first awareness that maybe I did a pretty good job was when two of my grandchildren became teenagers in close proximity. Their father (one of my six sons) randomly called me to thank me for putting up with his teenage-hood and all that those years entailed. He wondered how I ever managed it!

Since then, I have had my daughters-in-law let me know in many ways how much they appreciate the way I brought up my sons, thereby giving them husbands who appreciate them and are sensitive to their feelings and needs. So here’s to you, my daughters (in-law), Hindy, Sora Liba, Rachelli, and our newest addition, Rina. Enjoy and let me know when they don’t behave. They’re never too old or too big for Mom to give them a good talking-to!

Sarah Stern, Baltimore, Maryland

Mothering Without a Mother [Mother In Bloom / Issue 730]

I read the wonderful article on parenting advice and found so many gems. I wanted to share something that may help mothers like myself who were raised without a mother (due to illness, loss, or divorce).

As my oldest turned the age I was when I lost my mother, I found myself increasingly frustrated by her needs. At her age I did this all on my own! Why did she need me so much?!

Additionally, I struggled with a lot of fear of “What is the role of a mother at this stage?” I tried parenting classes but found that they took a lot of basics for granted, and I felt dumb asking things that many others got by osmosis.

I read Motherless Mothers by Hope Edelman and found it very validating, but it wasn’t a parenting book.

I stumbled upon a class given by Dr. Tziporah Koslowitz called “Parenting After You Lost a Parent” (which has since been renamed “Post-traumatic parenting” and is more inclusive of other types of upbringings with similar challenges). I have no idea if she still gives the class (I know she now has a podcast by the same name) but it was a game changer for me. Suddenly I was in a group where it was normal to say, “Can I give my kid a normal childhood if I never had one?” “Is it normal to feel like a failure if your mother was a better mother with illness than you are without?”

I wish I’d listened to the inner voice that told me the other parenting classes were excellent but didn’t address my challenge. I wish I didn’t feel beholden to feeling dramatically changed just because everyone else had this teacher. Parenting classes can be very good, but you need to find the right one, and that might be different from what works for the masses.

Anonymous

Too Many Goals? [Step It Up / Issue 730]

Thank you so much for your series on personal growth; as I read it, I was so impressed by how the writer really knows her stuff and is able to make her writing practical and relatable.

But there’s one thing doesn’t sit well with me — the goals of the month. As someone who’s in therapy, I’ve learned to make very small goals that will eventually lead to the ultimate goal. Taking on too much makes your work harder and may be counterproductive. So when I saw four goals listed, I thought to myself, “Is that really realistic? Is she really going to stick to four goals when life is so busy?”

Even as an overachiever, I’d probably only make two small goals. Why? I know that more than that will just result in no growth and more guilt. But by making two small goals, the results will spill into other areas of my life.

Sarah

Mindel Kassorla responds:

I’m glad to hear that you find my column to be practical and relatable. Regarding the goals, I honestly cannot say I fully “stick to” every single one every day. I like to have a range of ways to practice the topic — some more broad, some more specific — so that it becomes a theme that I can have on my mind on a regular basis. Sometimes when we pick very small goals, we actually forget about them because they don’t come up often enough.

The idea is not that I will necessarily make strong, lasting changes in that particular goal (I call it a goal and not a kabbalah for this reason). Instead, I am trying to add another “tool to my toolbox,” heightening my awareness of another derech that can be used toward the overall goal of more menuchas hanefesh.

Each month, I select goals that I hope will be universally relatable. But I also encourage readers to pick their own goals and work on it their own way, which can mean fewer goals, or different ones.

Be a Mensch [Friendship Fix / Issue 730]

I was quite disappointed with both the question and answer in the recent Friendship Fix. The questioner seemed shocked that her coworker “Rachel” was hurt by her office’s response to her accident — her coworkers sent meals and texts, but when no one came to visit her, she realized they viewed their relationship as a professional one, not as friends. The questioner wondered what could have been done differently.

As I see it, this was not a friendship question. This should have been about being a mensch with feelings. Sorry, a text, a supper, or balloon does not fulfill (maybe technically) the mitzvah of bikur cholim. The questioner herself calls Rachel a friend — for goodness’ sake, how deep a friendship do you need to do a mitzvah, a nice friendly deed? This is what texting has done to us. It’s removed all sense of connecting to people — all she wanted was a phone call, how can anyone not relate to that? Texting has its time and place, but really, not to call someone you work with every day, someone you refer to as a friend, and who’s not at work for three weeks — what has become of us?!

The response did suggest that an effort should have been made to see if anyone actually spoke to her. But it was suggested at the end, almost like an afterthought…how very sad. And as the reply noted, while people sometimes worry that the person may not want a call or visit, who says a call/visit is intrusive — what did we do before texting?

To quote the reply: “We can’t expect people to become true friends solely by virtue of being thrust together in the same office.” True. However, we can and should expect people to reach out to each other in any way possible just by virtue of being thrust together in the same office. We truly need to rethink our priorities and middos, especially during such trying times. We need to make every effort to have the heavenly scales weigh in our favor.

May Hashem keep us all healthy and safe, and gather us very soon for the big gathering we all are waiting for.

Rochel Mandel

A Model Couple [The Winding Escape / Issue 730]

We read with great interest the gripping account of Mrs. Suzie Graus and her escape from Hungary as a young girl. The article mentions that for a short time she stayed in London with Mr. and Mrs. Breuer, our beloved grandparents, when they were just newlyweds. It describes how Mr. Breuer waited throughout the war years for his future wife Magda (our grandmother) who had been hiding in Brussels, even though he had a long list of suitable suggestions at his doorstep.

Allow us to add a fascinating postscript to this anecdote.

Our grandmother, Magda Breuer (née Klein) lost her father at around the age of five. Her mother, unable to afford the expenses of supporting her daughter, sent her to live with an uncle and aunt in a different town. It so happens that our grandparents were also cousins, and our Opa once came to visit and found Magda silently sobbing. Upon his query as to why she was crying, she replied that she had been contemplating marriage, yet she was a yesomah, with absolutely no money, making her prospects of finding a suitable shidduch very bleak.

Opa replied, “Don’t worry. I’ll marry you!”

The rest is history. World War II broke out and they were separated for almost seven years, sometimes not even knowing the other’s whereabouts or even whether the other was alive.

But Opa had made a promise, and honor it he did. They married in postwar London, and were a model couple, epitomizing the deepest love and respect for each other. He once remarked to a close family friend, “I have always been in shanah rishonah.” This was after they had been married for more than 60 years!

Together they raised a generation of beautiful erliche children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

The article you published is particularly timely for us a family, for we are in the shloshim for our dear mother, Mrs Ruthie Dresdner a’’h, an only daughter to Mr. and Mrs. Breuer and our link to that glorious generation.

Thank you for sharing this with your readers, and may the legacy of those noble individuals live on, inspiring us to reach higher and live higher.

Family Dresdner

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 732)