We need to stretch ourselves to do chesed. But chesed must remain pleasant for us

Faiga’s Take

Hi, I’m Faiga. I have a small issue I’d like to ask about.

Around two years ago, there was a person in my community who lost most of his money and was in a very rough situation. I’m not sure about the details, but one thing I do know is that my father tried very hard to help get the man get back on his feet and start over financially. I remember at the time being so impressed with my father that he stepped up like that when he wasn’t necessarily close to this person. He met with him every day for weeks on end, offered him a position in his own company, and slowly but surely, along with the assistance and generosity of many other community members, helped him recover from his financial losses so he could support his family again. Naturally, a very close relationship developed between them, and as a result, our families got to know each other. My mother became close to this man’s wife, and they started walking over on Shabbos a lot with their kids, most of them younger than me.

I’m proud to have a father who cares so deeply about another man’s problems and takes them personally upon himself. I also admire my mother’s way of befriending someone and making her feel comfortable in our home. These are qualities I aspire to have, and I say aspire because I’m definitely very far from my parents’ generosity, hospitality, and warmth. I’ll tell you why: Shabbosim were always nice and quiet in my house, just me surrounded by family. Lately, with this family coming over, they’re loud and full of extra desserts to serve to visitors I’m not always in the mood to entertain. I’m so happy my father was able to help this family, but I’m not comfortable with how often I must see or involve myself with them. The children are all younger than I am — 15 — and their oldest daughter Gittel is 12. When they come over, they stay for hours, and my mother always gives me a look when I try to leave the room and escape. She encourages me to take out games and sit and play with the kids in the living room. If they get antsy, she’ll suggest I push them outside on the swings or play hide and seek with them in the backyard. On top of that, Gittel follows me around everywhere and is a nonstop chatterbox.

The first few times, I was happy to do it. But now it’s becoming something I dread. I understand my parents developed a close relationship with this family, but when they bring the chesed home with them and it becomes the whole family’s responsibility, I feel that’s unfair. I don’t want to spend every Shabbos being a babysitter or an entertainer! And now, my mother just informed me that she invited them for the Pesach Sedorim this year, and I can only imagine what that’s going to be like for me.

I feel bad and guilty to feel this way, but like I said, I just don’t have the same endurance as my parents, who can smile and welcome people into the comfort of their own home with ease and grace. I’m honestly tired of it, and if I ever complain, I’m admonished for not having rachmanus on a family that needed to uproot their lives and suffer through a tremendous upheaval. This is helping them heal, my mother tells me.

I get all this. But I want to know if I’m awful for wanting a break. I feel guilty for not being more like my parents, but it’s harder for me than it is for them. How can I make this easier on myself?