Popular culture considers this a coping tool, but it’s damaging

Research shows that around 29 percent of people become estranged from one or more family members. Although estrangement occurs most frequently between children and parents — with children initiating the “divorce” most often — it also occurs between siblings. Those observing the trends say that cultural shifts have encouraged this strategy in recent times, although it has always existed. Here are some factors that have been suggested to contribute to the increasing rates of estrangement:

Psychotherapy & Popular Media

These channels have spread the idea that estrangement can and should be used to end “toxic” relationships. They have taught that children “should have been” overtly loved, understood, validated, encouraged, supported, and otherwise embraced by their parents. Parents “should have” provided the model and security of a conflict-free and warm marriage, and both parents should have exuded a serene and positive attitude.

The modern thinking is that children who were exposed to less healthy models were as abused as those who were routinely yelled at, harshly punished, or hit.

This childhood abuse is seen as largely responsible for the adult child’s current states of anxiety, depression, illness, and relationship problems. Cultural wisdom suggests that the harm perpetrated by an imperfect home and imperfect parents is so intolerable that distancing oneself from it is an understandable and reasonable response and many individuals have chosen estrangement as a coping tool.

The Personal Happiness Agenda

The cultural message that “you only live once” and the purpose of life is to enjoy it, prioritizes taking care of one’s own needs above all else. Concepts such as self-sacrifice, responsibility, duty, and obligation find themselves on the blacklist, along with martyrdom. Rather than being considered noble, elevating, and meaningful, all forms of self-negation are considered to be self-destructive. When relatives like siblings and parents lower one’s mood through inconsiderate, hurtful, or otherwise unpleasant behavior, it’s considered prudent to step aside.

All Discomfort Is Trauma

With all the emphasis on the easy, happy existence, discomfort has taken a bad rap. Any kind of suffering is now seen as intolerable, unjustifiable, and often abusive. An unpleasant face, a sarcastic remark, a criticism, a show of disapproval, and other difficult interpersonal experiences are viewed as traumatic. The belief is that there is no reason to have to put up with a parent who nags, intrudes, or judges negatively. Cutting ties is the way to solve the problem.

“Right” isn’t Right for Me

The need to “do the right thing” has significantly dwindled in recent times. For instance, “staying together for the sake of the children” has gone out of style. Continuing to visit parents who are not pleasant enough is similarly not in vogue.

In previous generations, parents and in-laws could be exceedingly unpleasant, and their adult children would still continue to “do the right thing” and visit, call, and support them. Nowadays, it’s considered foolhardy to continue to unnecessarily expose oneself to poor treatment.

Estrangement Isn’t the Solution

For all these reasons, estrangement is an increasingly popular solution to problematic family relationships. However, estrangement causes enormous pain. It creates an “ambiguous death” when it’s not resolved within a timely manner. Imperfect human parents grieve just as those whose children actually die grieve, but the knowledge that the relationship has been severed by choice elicits a whole new level of pain and shame and sometimes guilt and/or rage.

While estrangement is appropriate when parents present a true threat to their kids, it must be reserved for the most serious of impending dangers. Cutting one’s parents out of one’s life when not absolutely necessary is harmful to oneself, compromising one’s own compassionate and humane nature, and robbing oneself of the opportunity to perform the mitzvah of honoring parents.

For regular imperfect and even painful relationships, infrequent visits, short texts, and short calls, living far away, setting clear boundaries with Torah standards can allow adult children to protect themselves while still honoring their parents. This allows parents to have the blessings of relationships with both their children and grandchildren. Finally, professional help can strengthen children to better tolerate the imperfection of their parents.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 926)