Hi, my name is Rena.

I’m 17 years old. I’ve been really stressed out about my plans for after high school. It’s time for me to decide which seminary I’m going to in Eretz Yisrael next year, and I’m torn between two options. One option is to go to the same seminary as my friend, Esther, and the other is to go to a different seminary, completely alone. I’m assuming you’re thinking the same as everybody else I’ve spoken to — why on earth would you go to seminary alone? You definitely need at least one friend with you! But something is drawing me toward being alone, making new friends, and turning over a new leaf in a place where I’m as new as anyone else.

Esther thinks I’m crazy. She tells me, “What is there to think about? Of course we’ll be going to seminary together!” But I don’t see it as simply as that. I’ll try to explain why.

Our entire lives, I’ve sort of been in Esther’s shadow. Esther has always been well-liked and accepted in any social circle. I haven’t been.

She’s a terrific friend and it’s not her fault, but I’ve suffered from the dynamics, nonetheless. For years, I’ve stood on the sidelines and watched as girls vied for her attention, begged her to sit with them, walk home with them, make plans with them. Countless times, I’ve sat with her at the back of the bus and watched a swarm of girls admire her without even noticing that I was sitting right there. I don’t want to come across as bitter — I’m really not — but I think it would be good for me to take a break from being “Esther’s best friend” and maybe, just maybe, create my own image unimpeded by Esther’s popularity. I think it would be very refreshing.

On the other hand, I’m petrified to go to seminary alone and not have her at my side. I’m not that good at making new friends or socializing with girls I haven’t met before. Is it worth it to sacrifice the comfort and familiarity of a friend in order to try and spread my wings? What if I do go alone and then I don’t make any new friends? Is it worth the risk? What should I do?

Dear Girls,

I am so happy for both of you that you share such a wonderful and long-lasting friendship. It sounds like you genuinely love and care for each other. You share an enviable gift: a friendship that began in youth, with the comfort and familiarity that comes along with it, and extends into adulthood, with the depth and pleasure of connection that accompanies the next stage.

There is something unique and special about old friends. They know and accept us in a way that our new friends never can, because they literally grew up with us. On the other hand, there’s something dynamic, refreshing, and exciting about new friends. We get to see ourselves in a new light and expand from there. This is especially true for new friendships gained in seminary, when you’re poised to begin independent adult life and aim to grow and develop in the best possible way.

How do we maintain old friendships? Open communication that is respectful and honest is key. Flexibility to change with the friendship is another crucial point. Esther and Rena, you need to communicate with each other. It doesn’t matter who brings up the topic, but you both need to be honest with each other.

Flexibility means valuing and maintaining a friendship despite the changes. A friendship that was cultivated with daily interactions can still thrive with weekly phone calls. I would venture to say that a solid friendship can even handle a year’s break and still resume where it took off.

Rena, regarding your seminary decision, ideally it should not be based on current friendships. Choose a seminary that is best suited toward your goals and ambitions. Speak to a principal, teacher, or seminary adviser to help you make that decision. You want a place that will inspire you with the classes, faculty, and the caliber of girls that it attracts. What’s best for Esther might not be what’s best for you. So make your own choice with confidence, excitement, and of course a healthy dose of apprehension. The fact that you have such a wonderful and long-lasting friendship tells me that you have the skills and abilities to make friendships. Use those skills and experience to help make new friendships during this very exciting year.

Hatzlachah rabbah to both of you in making the best of this upcoming year. Please cherish and value the opportunity and don’t take it for granted!

Mindy Rosenthal M.S., BCBA/LBA, teaches social skills, executive function skills, and other skills to incredible children, teens, and their parents. She is also the lucky director of student services at Ilan High School and consults nationally and internationally on social skills, executive function, and behavioral programs. She can be reached through Teen Pages.

(Originally featured in Teen Pages, Issue 865)