There are several reasons why a Jew should or should not commit an act: sometimes it’s not in keeping with halachah sometimes it violates a mussar precept.

Beyond halachah and mussar however we find another rationale for avoiding certain forms of conduct: “Es past nisht.” It’s inappropriate.

Parents may tell their children not to dress a certain way because “es past nisht” or not to associate with certain peers because “es past nisht.”

Although the concept of “es past nisht” is grounded in Torah thinking it should not be a weapon in the arsenal of an educator. When one is in the process of being mashpia trying to influence others in the ways of Torah life and says that “it doesn’t befit a person such as me to act in such a manner ” it becomes a counterproductive force in what that educator wishes to accomplish.

In order for students to learn from a particular rebbi or morah they must like and respect that particular rebbi or morah. The more they like and respect their mentors the more they want to emulate them and follow in their footsteps. It is imperative then that teachers form a relationship in which the barriers are removed a bond permeated with love and trust that travels in both directions — from rebbi to talmid and from talmid to rebbi.

We do not emulate those whom we do not like. We like people who take an interest in us. The more interest a mentor displays the more approval and genuine love he or she showers upon us the more we reciprocate by accepting the mentor’s way of life and teachings.

It wasn’t always this way.

In past centuries the relationship between rebbi and talmid was one of awe and trepidation in which personal closeness was not expected and was therefore not the norm.

Rabban Gamliel once visited the home of his talmid Rav Yehoshua to right a wrong and he observed that the walls of Rav Yehoshua’s house were black. “You must be a pechami (either a blacksmith or a coal maker)” he remarked.

“Woe to our generation” Rav Yehoshua replied “for our leaders are not aware of the pain of Torah scholars of how they support and sustain themselves” (Brachos 28a).

In the past this type of relationship was adequate because the talmidim thirsted for Torah and pursued Torah at all costs even without the benefit of a close relationship with their rebbi. Nevertheless we see from Rav Yehoshua’s answer that even then our chachamim recognized the value of a personal kesher without which there can be a lack of rapport between rebbi and talmid. And now in the 21st century no talmid can thrive without a relationship with his rebbi.

Nowadays a rebbi must speak the same language as his talmidim — and I don’t mean English Hebrew or French — in order to have the hashpa’ah (influence) to build them into bnei Torah.

The world-renowned talmid chacham and maggid shiur Rav Mendel Kaplan ztz”l was not familiar with the English language but aside from teaching his talmidim Torah he also taught them how to read a secular English newspaper. Rav Mendel taught them how to discern the sheker the falsehood in the newspaper how to read between the lines and how to view world events through the prism of Torah.

How many of us might see a maggid shiur bent over a secular newspaper surrounded by his curious talmidim and say: “es past nisht”?

Well ask his talmidim many of whom are rebbeim and Torah personalities today if this sort of activity “past” or “past nisht” for a man of his caliber. They loved him all the more for helping them understand the world at large “b’derech Yisrael saba ” according to our mesorah. That invested them with a hunger to learn and accept his Torah teachings with greater “geshmak” and affection. Even now long after he has left us they all call him “my rebbi”.

A chassid of one of the great chassidic courts of our time who is extremely meticulous in following every nuance of the minhagim of his Chassidus has a weekday dress code that differs sharply from that of his Chassidus: He wears his blue shirt and not-so-black suit. It has become his normal weekday dress. He does so in order to fully conform to and be accepted by the students in the modern school where he teaches. His talmidim know that he is a chassid who dresses in chassidic garb on Shabbos and Yom Tov. He is extremely proud of his affiliation with his Chassidus and many of his talmidim join his Shabbos table. They all flock to him for guidance and extra Torah learning to the extent that many have continued their studies in yeshivos gedolos.

I am not implying that it would not have happened if he had retained his regular chassidic mode of dress during the week and during the baseball games he attends with the students. But there would not have been the same comfort zone that the students are used to in this particular school and it might have affected their trust and their ability to feel close to him.

Was this great talmid chacham chastised with “es past nisht” for teaching in that modern school and for his manner of dress? He certainly was. But his rebbe said “es past yoh.” Not only “es past yoh” but since he was able to influence his students in such a significant manner he was required to do so.

My own rosh yeshivah Rabbi London was so poor that he was unable to supply the necessities for our Shabbos meals. He would make the rounds of all the neighborhood bakeries a few hours before Shabbos and solicit left over challahs that could not be sold anymore. The same rosh yeshivah could be found after Havdalah stuffing envelopes with letters and paraphernalia for solicitation as he could not afford secretarial help.

“Es past nisht” you might say. The rosh yeshivah should have asked the bochurim to do it for him. But the Rosh Yeshivah would invite a bochur to help him with both of these activities. Aside from getting the help he needed Rabbi London would use the private time to get to know the bochur personally so he could deal with the boy according to his strengths and weaknesses. The bochur whose turn it was received a great unspoken lesson in “nosei b’ol” — to be a giver not only a taker — and he was able to develop the great middah of hakaras hatov.

And I can bear witness to these lessons because I was one of the lucky bochurim who was invited to help the Rosh Yeshivah.

When I was a yungerman I had an occasion to meet with the Philadelphia Rosh Yeshivah Rav Elya Svei ztz”l in his yeshivah one morning after Shacharis. I had to clarify a few points for Torah Umesorah and the Rosh Yeshivah was the chairman of the Rabbinical Board. Immediately after davening the Rosh Yeshivah came to my seat and invited me to have breakfast with him — not in his office but in the yeshivah dining room with the bochurim. He asked me what I wanted for breakfast. I thought that he was going to ask one of the bochurim to bring us breakfast but to my dismay he proceeded to get it himself.

“Es past nisht” I protested.

“Am I patur [exempt] from the mitzvah of hachnassas orchim?” the Rosh Yeshiva asked.

I will never forget how I was treated and how it “broke the ice” in my entire relationship with the Rosh Yeshivah.

Many years later my good friend and colleague Rabbi Yoel Kramer who was then principal of Prospect Park Yeshiva told me that he spent quality time with the high school girls by having lunch with each one separately in his office. Otherwise he would hardly know them on an individual level and he wouldn’t be able to advise and guide them according to their personal needs.

Rabbi Kramer’s technique brought to mind the way I was treated in Philadelphia and I decided to follow suit with our students in Bais Yaakov of Montreal. I soon realized that my ability to influence our students took a sharp turn in the right direction.

Was there opposition from colleagues who felt that “es past nisht”? Yes there was. Yet the ruchniyusdige accomplishments stilled those voices. 

A neighbor of ours a bochur in Yeshivas Mir Yerushalayim sent a photo of himself and some chaveirim playing a game of chess in the Israeli countryside during bein hazmanim while a “fan” looked on. The bochurim were dressed in short-sleeved vacation attire while their “fan” was dressed in his homburg and frock. He observed from his wheelchair which was parked next to their outdoor picnic table.

The “fan” was none other than Rav Nosson Tzvi Finkel ztz”l rosh yeshivah of over 6000 talmidim at the Mir. “Es past nisht?” This picture has been circulated everywhere and is the “talk of the town.”

The Rosh Yeshivah who was being wheeled by his grandson asked to be brought to the chess game so that he could relate personally to the bochurim during bein hazmanim in the same way that he is part of their learning during the zman. It “past” for the Rosh Yeshivha of the largest yeshivah in the world to participate in his talmidim’s leisure activities to find a way to become a part of their lives in every way. What therefore can you and I say?

Rabbi Shneur Aisenstark is the dean of Beth Jacob Seminary of Montreal.