Ask your spouse. Ask your children. If they feel safe enough to be honest, they’ll tell you whether your ambition inspires them or isolates them

I

was supervising one night on the support line we run for young people across the UK when a message came in from a 15-year-old girl.

“Hi, I don’t know if you can help, but my house is becoming a horrible place to live. My father is never home anymore. He’s always out. Even when he is home, he’s on his phone. He says he’s busy for our benefit, but he’s so stressed all the time. My mum cries at night. I just want him to stop, but he can’t. He says he needs to keep going so we can have everything we need.”

At first glance, it sounded like a message about alcohol, gambling, or drugs.

But it wasn’t. This father wasn’t addicted to a substance. He was addicted to working.

The Addiction We Don’t Talk About

We don’t usually think of work as an addiction. But for some people, the drive to keep working, achieving, or earning becomes something they can’t switch off. This isn’t about working hard to provide for your family. It’s when work becomes the only way a person feels valuable. For many, money becomes the measure of their worth, the proof that they matter and are in control. The addiction isn’t to the job itself; it’s to the feeling that success and earning bring: recognition, relief, and identity.

Every deal or win provides a burst of satisfaction, a sense of being important or safe. But the calm never lasts. From the outside, it looks like ambition. Inside, it’s compulsion. Like any addiction, it brings short-term relief and long-term damage. Health suffers. Families suffer.

What makes this addiction harder to see is that it’s admired. When someone drinks too much, we call it a problem. When someone works too much, we call it success. I once saw a man who sold his company for millions. The day after the sale, he felt miserable. The chase was over, and without it, he felt lost. He wasn’t addicted to the money itself, he was addicted to what money gave him: purpose, buzz, and relief from what was hurting underneath.

How the Community Feeds It

And who can really blame him? In our Jewish world, we rightly admire hard work and success. Many generous people have built businesses and used their wealth to support schools, shuls, and charities. There is nothing wrong with ambition.

The problem is when we, as a community, stop recognizing balance. When we start confusing busyness with importance. We see people working 15-hour days and call it commitment. We read about someone sending emails at three in the morning and call it drive. But those are not signs of strength; they are signs of strain. Too often, we give the most recognition to those who are financially successful, while quietly conflating a person’s net worth for their real worth.

As someone who works with young people, I can tell you they notice. They see who gets praised and who gets the attention. They learn that being endlessly busy and having a big bank account is what earns respect. And this is where we need to pause. Because as a community, we are feeding this addiction. We reward the overworked and overlook the balanced. We praise those who never stop, instead of those who know when to. We look down on the alcoholic but admire the workaholic. Both are escaping something; only one gets honored for it.

When Success Becomes Slavery

You might say, “But isn’t it good to be ambitious? Isn’t it right to work hard and provide for your family?” Of course it is. Yiddishkeit values effort and responsibility. Adam l’amal yulad  — man was created to work. But the danger comes when the work takes over the worker, when the drive to earn or achieve becomes something you can’t switch off, even when it’s hurting the people you love.

That isn’t achievement; it’s slavery. The world calls it productivity. When a person can no longer pause, they’re no longer free. I’ve sat with people who are terrified of stopping, as if everything will fall apart if they slow down. Their phones are never switched off. Their minds never rest. They’re respected by everyone and yet feel trapped inside their own success.

For many, work isn’t about greed; it’s about safety — the reassurance that life will be secure, that their children will have opportunities. So they tell themselves they’re doing it for the family. And that’s often true. But sometimes the very thing they chase to protect their families ends up taking them away from their families.

I once had a teen tell me that his rebellious behavior was just a way to keep his father home, because he realized his father would stay home to make sure he didn’t step out of line. The spouses of work addicts may have full bank accounts but live in empty homes, raising children alone while still married.

I’ve seen men who give endless charity to others while their own children feel like orphans. It’s a tragic distortion, a kind of chesed that looks noble on the outside but causes loneliness behind closed doors. The late nights and constant pressure quietly take the very things the money was meant to protect: connection, calm, and closeness.

The Way Out

So how can someone tell if they’ve crossed the line? Ask the people who love you. Ask your spouse. Ask your children. If they feel safe enough to be honest, they’ll tell you whether your ambition inspires them or isolates them. And then, ask yourself. Step away from the noise. Turn off the notifications. Go for a walk. Take a deep breath and ask: How am I doing? Where are my relationships, my spirituality, my health? What’s getting the best of my energy and what’s being left behind? That quiet check-in can be the difference between balance and burnout. Addiction thrives on motion. Reflection is what breaks its hold.

Redefining Success

Real success is not being endlessly driven; it’s being deeply present. It’s having enough to live with dignity, and enough humility to know when enough is enough. True prosperity is the ability to give time, love, patience, and kindness without being enslaved by the chase. Maybe it’s time we stop admiring only the man who never stops working, and start admiring the one who knows when to stop. Because in the end, the greatest wealth is not in our accounts, but in our homes, our hearts, and our relationships.

Rabbi Yaakov Barr is a psychotherapist, clinical supervisor, and CEO of the UK based organization Jteen. He is also the author of Mastering Your Mind, and the new Mastering Your Mind school workbook.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1087)