Teaching respect allows you to teach everything else

According to Merriam Webster’s, one meaning of “disrespect” is to show low regard or low esteem. Therefore, when a child disregards his parents’ wishes, he shows that he disrespects those wishes. It’s as if he is saying, “I don’t care that you want me to go to bed now. I’m not going!”

Now if a child actually spoke such words out loud to his parents, he’d be doing more than disrespecting their wishes; he’d be disrespecting them. When a child speaks rudely to his parents or attacks them physically, the child is demonstrating that he doesn’t hold his parents in high esteem. Unfortunately, this attitude is pretty prevalent among children — especially when they’re feeling frustrated.

Rewarding Rudeness

“Can I stay up a little longer to finish my book?”

“No, honey. You have to be up early in the morning. You can finish it tomorrow.” “Grrrrrrrr… you’re so mean! I hate you! I’m not going to sleep tonight — you can’t make me!” Kick, kick, throw, toss… etc.

Some parents are very empathetic. “I know it’s frustrating, honey. You really love that book, don’t you? It’s hard to put it down when you’re so close to the end.” Mom pours on the understanding, compassion, and love.

There’s just one glitch: This is the wrong time for all that.

Giving a child an emotional caress in the midst of highly disrespectful behavior is akin to throwing him a $100 bill for abusing his parents. At least, that’s how his brain takes it.

The brain is wired to register, record, and utilize “rewards.” A reward can be any form of stimulation. Smiles, dollars, toys, privileges, empathy, and treats, are all rewards to the brain, reinforcing whatever activities immediately preceded them.

Imagine you’re speeding down the highway and a police officer pulls you over and says, “Wow, you’re in a big rush — I get it! Here — take $100. Fuel up on gas after you get to your destination.” Why would you stop speeding after that kind of treatment?

Even unpleasant stimulation can, according to our brains, be “a reward.” This means that any parental talking — not just the sweet talk of understanding and caring — can be worth $100 to the brain. So, even if a parent lunges into a lecture such as “Excuse me young man! Who do you think you are speaking to? We don’t speak to parents this way, ever! Am I making myself clear? I will not tolerate this sort of disrespect from you — do you understand?” this noise also guarantees that the disrespectful behavior will happen again. Both messages get translated by the neural network as brain food.

A Parenting Emergency

When a child lacks esteem for parents — the emissaries of Hashem, sent to raise him — we have a problem. The child’s spiritual, emotional, and behavioral health depends on his ability to hold his parents in high esteem and therefore submit to their guidance. Parents must therefore do everything possible to inculcate the attitude of respect in their youngsters. But how?

The first step is, of course, to provide a model of respectful behavior. When parents lash out at and/or insult their kids, their children can’t be expected to learn the basics of emotional regulation, self-control and respect for others.

The second step is to establish a warm, loving relationship through increasing positive interactions and severely limiting correction, criticism, punishment, and other forms of negativity. The warm relationship helps the child feel high esteem for the parent. Warmth should be offered generously — except when the child is being actively disrespectful. The well-loved child will not mistakenly conclude that he is unloved when a parent isn’t smiling while he’s being reprimanded.

The third step is to actively teach respectful behavior through telling the child what to say and do when feeling frustrated — and by having him practice it. Teaching cannot occur at the moment of disrespect, however. It needs to happen in a “teaching moment,” later on, when both parent and child are calm.

Finally, disrespect for parents is one of the very rare situations in which receiving an intense negative consequence can actually be useful. When such consequences are virtually never used in normal parenting, they can make a strong impression on a child. Even so, there is no need to use such an intervention unless all the previous steps (particularly teaching) have failed to put a complete end to parental disrespect.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 715)