As long as we keep playing the Blame Game it’s hard to grow spiritually

Yom Kippur is a day for deep introspection. We examine ourselves — searching for weaknesses and beg Hashem to help us correct them. Intuitively we realize that straightening out our crooked parts will bring us greater joy — our thoughts and feelings will not be distorted by negativity. Lying judging gossiping coveting — these sins and all the others — bring suffering to ourselves and the world around us. Unfortunately our negativity refuses to remain tucked inside a private chamber. Rather its vibrations pulse outward into our homes our communities and ultimately the universe. Achieving internal harmony then is a benefit we provide not only to ourselves but to all of creation.

The Blame Game

Unfortunately it is impossible to perfect ourselves when we blame our negativity on those around us. Consider the musings of Aviva:

“I’m really jealous of my friends who have nice husbands. Their lives are so easy; I see how happy they are. My husband is depressed and irritable most of the time. There’s no way I’ll ever be happy living with him.”

Bina has a similar take on life:

“Why can’t I just have a normal child like everyone else does? Chaim has OCD and ADHD —  he’s a full-time challenge. Our home is never quiet and peaceful like my friends’ homes. I can never sit and relax because he is always needy or destructive or rageful. This isn’t what I thought motherhood would be. I was a happy kid but that’s all over now. I can’t be happy living like this.”

And then there’s Bracha:

“My mother-in-law makes my life miserable. She has nothing good to say about me or the kids. She never offers to help but she expects Reuven to run all her errands for her when he should be home helping me. If I don’t send the kids over every day she calls me up to yell at me — honestly I can’t take it. Why can’t I have a nice mother-in-law like my neighbor has? My life would be so much better!”

Legitimate Complaints

All three of these women are expressing legitimate complaints. Things are far from perfect in their lives. In fact each one is dealing with a chronically stressful situation —  a situation that they can’t change (short of abandoning their families). However each one is making the following mistakes:

• Each assumes that they can’t be happy.
• Each assumes that they have more stress than other people do.
• Each assumes that their unhappiness is caused by the difficult person in their lives.

Let’s look at these three mistakes in detail. The first assumption posits that happiness is unavailable due to the presence in their lives of a difficult person. The reality is that happiness is the result of many factors the most important of which is perspective. Focusing one’s attention on the problem person  — that is focusing one’s attention on what is wrong in life — leads to unhappiness; whereas focusing one’s attention on what is right in life leads to gratitude and joy. Hashem rewards those who bring themselves to gratitude heaping upon them both blessings and health benefits.

The second assumption makes it seem to each woman that her stress is far greater than that of the average person. In fact while people have more and less stress in different periods of their lives human existence is by definition a stressful experience. Hashem presents each person with a uniquely tailored set of challenges to help them accomplish their spiritual mission. Stressful experiences are not “bad luck” but rather a purposeful part of life.

Which brings us to the third assumption: that a difficult person is the source of the unhappiness that these women are experiencing. In fact Hashem is the source of the problem —  in that it is Hashem who has placed the chronic difficult challenge in their lives to begin with. As stated the purpose of the challenge is spiritual growth. Our lives are not meant to be carefree pleasant and easy at every stage of our spiritual journeys.

The difficulties of life cause us to turn more frequently and intensely to prayer and also to turn more inward searching for ways to be happier and more at peace. In other words although we may not enjoy them we certainly benefit from them — if we utilize them properly. Whining complainin g and blaming others are activities that retard spiritual growth and cause us pain; while asking ourselves how we can find happiness despite the ongoing difficulty steers us in the right direction. Yom Kippur reminds us to do the best we can with those things that our in our own control: our thoughts our words and our deeds.