Sometimes It’s Not What You Imagined

Some empty nesters do find moving difficult. For Debbie, her move wasn’t what she expected.

She always knew moving was in her future. She’d raised her family in Brooklyn, but none of her children settled there. Once the kids were gone, nothing was tying her to the city, and she and her husband faced the decision of where to go.

Her husband had always talked of moving down to Miami for the warmer weather. Adding to Miami’s appeal was that her two daughters had both moved there, so it made sense to follow them.

But Miami was a big change from Brooklyn. Debbie missed the conveniences of her former neighborhood. “I was able to walk out to the avenue and do my shopping. It’s not like that here,” she says. “There was a grocery store on every corner. Sheitelmachers, tailors. You don’t have that here. And everything is more expensive here,” she says.

The lifestyle is different, too, she says. “It’s a different culture, and a different mindset. It’s much slower and more relaxed. It’s like you’re permanently on vacation. But do you want to be permanently on vacation? Is that what life is all about?”

At the same time, every time she goes back to New York to visit her children still living there, it gets harder to get used to the more frenetic pace. “There’s the traffic and the honking, the noise, the hustle, the bustle,” she says. “Miami is more relaxing.” Still, she’s reluctant to embrace the relaxed pace. It niggles at her.

After Debbie sold her house in Brooklyn, she bought an apartment there, where she stayed when she came back to visit. “I kept my winter stuff there,” she says. But then her husband pointed out that they hardly used the apartment, and it didn’t make sense to continue maintaining it. He suggested they stay with their children during their visits. But it isn’t an ideal solution, Debbie says. “It would be ideal if I had homes everywhere,” she says.

Digging Up Those Roots

Moving in your later years means packing up a lifetime’s accumulation of possessions. It also means leaving a home that was the setting for so many memories.

For Bracha, packing was the easier piece. “I don’t have that much stuff,” she says. “I don’t collect things.” She donated a lot of her furniture and serveware, and gave some of her things to friends. “We took very little furniture with us — some rugs, paintings, needlepoints I’d done, pictures of the kids,” she says. “The new house was much smaller, and we didn’t have space for that much stuff. I originally took my buffet, but ended up selling it because it didn’t have a place.”

Even the move itself wasn’t that overwhelming. “We picked a place that was in move-in condition and wouldn’t need renovation,” she says.

Leaving the home where she raised all her kids was harder. “My children thought it was the most amazing house,” Bracha says. “That’s where they grew up. To them, it was everything.”

Before the move, all Bracha’s children came to say goodbye to the            house. They talked about how much they had loved growing up there and how perfect they thought it was. “They thought the next people were going to move right in, and the house would stay exactly as it was,” Bracha recalls. “I told them, ‘Kids, there’s not going to be one zecher left from this house.’ And I was right. The minute we left, the entire house was gutted.” Bracha says on the outside, the house looks almost the same. The new owners once invited her to look at the changes they’d made inside, but it never worked out.

Bracha doesn’t miss her old neighborhood, and when she comes back, she looks at Brooklyn differently. Even before she moved, she knew Brooklyn had changed, that it wasn’t the same place she’d raised her kids. “Now, when I come back, it feels claustrophobic,” she says. “When we lived there it wasn’t so congested. Maybe because I was living there, I was used to it. But now when I go, it’s just a headache. It’s crowded, there’s no parking, and so much double-parking.”

There is some nostalgia. She misses the friends she left and feels sentimental about her house. “Every time I come back, I drive down the block,” she says. “I like to look around. It brings back a lot of memories.”

Leah’s move happened in stages. “It was a slow process,” she says. “It was a few years before we realized we’d actually moved to Eretz Yisrael permanently,” says Leah. “It didn’t take long to realize we liked living here. But it took five years until we sold the house.”

Meanwhile, their house in Los Angeles functioned like a storage center for all their belongings. For the next five years, whenever they’d go visit, they’d bring back suitcases of the possessions they liked and missed, such as a set of pots that were a favorite.

When they finally sold their house, Leah gave most of her things away. “Every time I came home to LA, I’d see all my kitchen things, like bowls and platters,” she says “I realized I was doing fine without all these things. I never had a feeling of I missed this bowl. It was easier for me to part with everything, because I’d been living for all these years without it.”

Debbie says packing was a big deal. “I had a big house and a lot of stuff,” she says. “So many things got lost.” While she gave a lot of things away, she still kept a lot. Her home in Miami isn’t big enough for all of it, so she keeps many of her things at her children’s homes.

“Everything is all over the place,” she says.

What About the Children?

Grown children often play a role in an empty nester’s decision to move.

“The kids were happy and excited that we moved,” Bracha says. “And it gives us a bigger connection with the grandchildren.”

But even though the kids live nearby, they aren’t part of the daily schedule. It’s the weekends when the family gets together, she says. “Every Friday they come over, or we go over Motzaei Shabbos. I go to them for Shabbos sometimes, or they come to me.”

Being nearby allows her to be more available to them. “Sometimes, on my day off from work, I’ll pop into one of them, and see if they need help,” Bracha says. “Or if someone has a baby or goes on vacation, I’m available to pick up or drop off.”

Debbie’s move to Miami to be closer to her children didn’t quite work out as she expected. “I thought the move to Miami would be permanent for my two daughters,” she says. “That was one of the reasons we moved down here. But after three years, one of my daughters moved back to New York. It was hard for both of us. We were close to her kids.”

She misses her other children she left behind in New York. “I try to be a very hands-on bobby, but logistically now I can’t really do that.”

When Leah moved, her children weren’t living at home anymore, but not all of them had married yet.

She had older boys who were away, learning in yeshivah. They would come home for Yom Tov, and when Leah moved, her sons would come to Yerushalayim for Yom Tov. “It’s not like we were in California, and it was easy to get home,” she says. “It was a bigger deal to come to Israel.” Because her apartment was small, she’d rent them an apartment nearby.

But there are things she still misses. Before she left, she’d have all her children and grandchildren for Yom Tov. “Even though I could have a family come here, it’s not the same thing as having all the children at one time,” she says. “We had a bigger house, and it was large enough to host the children and grandchildren.” She admits that as her children’s families continue to grow, hosting everyone at one time would one day be impossible. Still, at the moment, she misses her full house at Yom Tov time.

Recently, though, her grandchildren have started coming to Israel for yeshivah and seminary. “Now I’m getting the benefit of having a special relationship with those children that come,” says Leah. “I get to spend one-on-one time with them.”

And last summer, one of Leah’s children made aliyah. “It’s very special to be able to live near a child, which is something I never had a chance to experience,” she says. They live so close to her, she takes the kids to school in the morning. They often walk over just to spend time together and do activities like reading and baking.

The New Place

Debbie says she likes the weather in Miami. “I’m not dealing with the harsh winters,” she says. To keep busy, she’s taken some part-time temp work, and also helps her son-in-law in a new business he recently opened.

While she misses her friends from her old neighborhood, she says she gets to see them in the summer, when she goes upstate. “I have that camaraderie for two months,” she says.

When Leah moved, she was a short walk from her parent’s retirement home and she was able to visit them twice a day at least, she says. “I’m so grateful I was able to be with them there for more than ten years,” says Leah.

Leah is very happy in Israel. “It’s a big zechus to live here, and I feel very grateful to have the opportunity,” she says.

Moving has given Leah’s husband the time to follow a dream, as well. “He is able to learn in yeshivah all day,” she says.

She also has family there — three sisters and two sisters-in-law — and has since made new friends. Not even the language was a barrier. She spoke Hebrew beforehand and has become even more fluent.

At the same time, she says she was also very happy the years she was in California. “It was a very special community and very special people.” There were aspects that were easier — it was simpler to get help, she had a bigger house and two cars. “It took some time getting used to the fact that my living space is smaller,” she admits.

Adjusting to a new place was hard, Bracha says, but not that hard. “It wasn’t an emotional move,” she says. “Lakewood is a hopping town. You can’t compare the quality of life. You go shopping in beautiful stores, and there’s tons of parking. A bris, a wedding — there’s parking, and it’s so much easier.”

Even finding routine in her new place wasn’t difficult. “A lot of my friends also moved to Lakewood. We all moved together,” she says. In the beginning, they would meet up every day, go on walks together, and go out for lunch. “We kept ourselves busy and I was busy with the house,” she says.

Soon after, a relative called and offered her a job. “I started working,” Bracha says. “Had I stayed in Brooklyn, I wouldn’t have started working, and having a job feels great. I meet a lot of nice people, and I like my workmates.”

Her husband is happy, too. He found a new shul that he loves and has become very involved with it.

Still, sometimes she pictures herself at home in Brooklyn. “It was cozy and I knew all the good spots. I was very attached to it,” she says. “But my house in Lakewood is also cozy, and I’m very happy here.”

Some Things to Know Before You Go

Muriel Mehlman, MSW, facilitated the N’shei C.A.R.E.S. support group for caregivers for 15 years. She advises people to think carefully before choosing a new place to live.

Try It First

While it’s not always possible to move on a trial basis, know what a place is like before you move. Talk to people and try to understand the nuances of the community you’re considering. Go someplace you know you really want to be.

Move Close to Family

As people get older, it provides a degree of security to know there’s somebody there next to them. People don’t realize that when we get older, we will need some assistance, or company — more so from family than friends. When they’re around you, they’ll come faster.

Don’t Make Your Children Feel Guilty

If you’re moving closer to your children, don’t keep tabs on them or pressure them to be available for small errands. In cases where parents are aging and need the extra help, Muriel says, “We hope we brought them up in a way that they understand what’s happening, and they understand their responsibility.”

Don’t Rely on Your Children for Your Social Life

It’s important to have a life with your contemporaries. Have your own circle of friends, and try to remain independent. At the same time, try to assist your children in their requests. It’s advisable to be selective of where to move so you can remain independent and at the same time to be there to assist you children. You could change your mind

If it doesn’t work out — pick yourself up and go someplace else. When you move, you take a chance, and it doesn’t always work out.

When It’s Your Parent Who Moves

Sometimes parents move closer, sometimes farther. No matter which way it is, it always affects the kids.

Recently, Rina’s mother moved to Brooklyn from Boca to be closer to her two children, who both live there.

Going from long distance to local makes a big difference in a relationship. “It has affected the dynamic,” says Rina. “We have a much more day-to-day relationship, which is nice, especially for the kids. Though my mother used to be the exciting Savta they didn’t see often, and now it’s not so exciting,” she admits. “She doesn’t always come in with prizes and nosh. That’s a big change.”

Rina’s relationship with her mother changed, too. “We used to talk twice a day and have our nice long conversations. We would discuss what happened during the day,” she says. “Now we have a lot more of a technical relationship. My mother could call me from the grocery and ask if I need anything. Or she could ask, ‘Are you going to the cleaners? Can you drop off my shirt for me?’ ”

There’s a degree of thoughtfulness that becomes necessary when a parent moves nearby. Rina says a friend’s mother also moved from out of town, and every Monday she invites her mother for Shabbos, just so that her mother doesn’t feel like she has to invite herself. “It was a nice idea, because I don’t want my mother to feel like she needs to push for invitations,” Rina says. “I know that she specifically moved here because she wants to spend more time with family, so I usually invite her at the beginning of the week. She never accepts right away, and very often she has things to do, or a reason to be somewhere else.”

As an only daughter, Rina feels she has a serious obligation to make sure her mother is happy. “If my mother drops in for a visit at an inconvenient time, I always think, if she came, then she wanted to come, and I get into my good daughter mode,” she says.

She also makes an effort to spend time with her mother, and recently they started walking together every morning. “Exercise is something that we both really enjoy. I wanted to make sure that we spend time together, for myself and for her. I enjoy her company, and I see that if I don’t carve out a time, it could happen so easily that we won’t see each other,” says Rina. “When we get together, I’m always so happy, but it can be a pressure at the same time, because my schedule can get really busy.”

For Rina, the hardest part of her mother’s move was saying goodbye to her childhood home. “It’s selfish to think about these small things, but I lost my childhood home, my good memories. It was also my connection to my father, my past, my blissful childhood. I feel like I don’t have that connection anymore. We don’t have that place to go back to for Yamim Tovim. I feel like I lost my vacation place. It was so nice to have a place to go with my kids.”

When Rina’s mother moved, she was downsizing and had to part with many of her things, but one thing she kept was succah decorations. “We were in a new succah, in a new house, but it was so nice to have our old decorations. I appreciated that,” says Rina.

Michal’s mother recently moved from Brooklyn to a retirement community in Lakewood. Michal, who lives in Brooklyn, says at first it was hard to let go. “Originally, we tried to convince her not to go,” Michal says. “Maybe it was for my own selfish reasons.”

Michal’s father had recently passed away, and she thought it would be best for her mother to stay near her children, in a place that was familiar. But her mother felt differently.

“She wanted a new beginning,” Michal says. “It just wasn’t working for her anymore. Maybe there were too many painful reminders.”

She says she had to come to terms with her mother’s decision. “This is what she wanted, and we had to make it work,” she says. “Once she moved, I saw how the change was good for her. She loves her new home. It’s fresh and clean and beautiful. She’s so proud of it, and she’s so happy.”

The weeks leading up to the move were hard. First Michal had to say goodbye to her childhood home and sort through items she hadn’t seen in years. “There were so many emotions. I moved to that house when I was 14. My father was sick there, too. It was like wrapping up my whole childhood — and even some of what came after — in a box, and storing it up in the attic,” Michal says.

She adds that her children’s relationship with their grandmother has changed since the move. “They used to see her all the time,” she says “Now they don’t see her as much. Every time we pass the block, my little one says, ‘That’s Bobby’s house,’ and I say, ‘No, Bobby doesn’t live there anymore.’ They lost their grandfather. I don’t want them to lose a grandmother, too.”

They keep up via phone and Zoom and try to visit. Recently they spent Shabbos together, staying at Michal’s sister who lives a short walk away. It was nice, but it wasn’t the same. “In the beginning, we went to visit once a week, but it’s not possible. It’s called real life. I have my own kids to juggle,” she says. “My sister and I now go once in two weeks.”

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 941)