Let’s start with the most basic question: Does the age of a therapist really matter?

Over the last seven years, I and our team have interviewed over 800 therapists to facilitate referrals for our Links Family members.

In reflecting on all those referrals and our case management, my belief in the importance of the therapeutic fit has only grown. And one of the undeniable elephants in the room is the role the age of a therapist plays in the work done in the therapy room.

So let’s start with the most basic question: Does the age of a therapist really matter?

Like most good things in life, it depends.

It depends on the client — and in the case of a child entering therapy, it also depends on the parent.

I’ve heard people be shy about voicing their thoughts about the age of a prospective therapist. For many well-mannered people, it feels rude to ask about the age of the clinician. There are also clients who feel that it shouldn’t matter and therefore if it makes a difference to them, it’s likely a “bad thought” to be swatted away. There are others who equate clinicians with any other doctor. Do you ask your insurance company how old your dentist is before scheduling that extraction? So why isn’t it the same with therapy? Or so the argument goes.

And yet, it doesn’t feel the same. One of the main healing aspects is the therapeutic relationship, and that plays a very big part in the success of the treatment. So unlike the medical field where it’s all skill and experience — here, in addition to skill, a lot is hinging on the relational aspect of the therapeutic alliance.

I always assure the person looking for a referral that it’s actually a very fair question. Some will feel more comfortable asking about age to a third party like a referral agency or rav as opposed to asking the therapist directly. (And I actually think there is wisdom in that!) But if it’s a question that matters to you — you absolutely should get that answer before beginning therapy with the clinician.

We all have biases and beliefs. For some who have challenging lives, safety lies with anyone older than they are. For others, it needs to be someone in a similar stage of life who would “get it,” like a fellow mother of teens. Still others need someone young, because that’s what they’re drawn to.

For clinicians it’s important to know that age is one factor among many, but it is a real factor that plays out in the room and often may need to be addressed. If a clinician knows there is a large age gap (e.g., a 21-year-old clinician seeing a 49-year-old client), and senses that something in the room feels off, the elephant may need to be raised. “I’m curious as to what it feels like for you to be in a room with someone who is close in age to your children. Are you comfortable with that? Is there anything that would make it more or less comfortable?”

A clinician who makes their age a non-taboo topic, and one in which they’re clearly going to be comfortable with a response that goes either way, is doing their client a tremendous service.