Clinical psychologist Sigal Levi, who specializes in issues connected to raising twins, quickly dispelled that illusion of such a standard being attainable:

“It would be nice to be able to be a perfect mother to both children all of the time. However, it’s just not possible. It’s also not necessary. Our part, is simply to do the best we can.”

With that in mind, Maya Simon presents us with a key phrase that is central to raising twins: Ask for help. “Don’t be embarrassed. Ask for help from your family, from neighbors, or from friends. And if that’s not possible, hire help.

“This expense is just as essential for you, the parents  of twins, as food. A few hours of babysitting help a week can save a woman from collapsing. Hiring help is also important to strengthen your marriage. Parenting twins fills most of the day, and there’s  little available time for one’s spouse; it’s crucial to carve some time together without having to tend to two demanding infants.”

Nechama Klein, mother of identical twins, has some advice specifically for the new father: “In some families, when a new baby is born, the mother is the main figure in the baby’s life, especially in the early months. However, when it comes to parenting twins, one pair of hands isn’t enough. Even if the mother wants to do it all, she won’t succeed in accomplishing all the tasks involved in taking care of two children, certainly not over the long term.

“The need for another pair of hands must involve the father in an active and significant role in raising the twins. And it’s worthwhile for him to know that this necessity contributes towards forming a wonderful relationship with the children. It’s important to remember that we’re not talking about ‘helping out’ but about ‘partnership.

While there are challenges in the technical aspects of raising twins, the payoffs are also greater. Ze’ev, a father of twins, describes it best: “Being parents of twins is one-and-a-half times the work, but double the nachas. All you have to do is give one smile, and immediately, you get back two.”

The Second Rule: “I’m not a Half”

Menucha, mother of twin girls, relates: “Long before our twins were born, I had met two women at a wedding — sisters-in-law of the bride. They were twins, married, and mothers of families. To my astonishment, they were dressed identically, and were talking about how, every evening, they go window shopping together, down the main street of their neighborhood, arm in arm.”

Menucha was shocked by that level of connection between these married twins. She was convinced that such a connection must be harmful to their family life. As it turned out, that encounter with those twins was a preparatory lesson from Hashem, before the arrival of Menucha’s own twins, four years later.

“At that moment, I told myself that if I ever had twins, I would raise each of them as a separate and unique person, not as if they were a single unit together. And indeed, when my own twin girls were born, though it caused many raised eyebrows among family and friends, I didn’t dress them alike. I also brought them entirely different toys, appropriate to the different interests that I identified in each of them. I sent each girl to a different nursery school, and in the afternoons, I encouraged each one to go play with her own friends.”

Menucha’s goal of developing each child as an individual, is one many parents of twins share. Sigal addresses how it’s possible to develop a sense of individuality in each twin: “It’s very natural that twins will want to be together all the time. After all, they were born together, developed together, and have always seen their twin opposite them. It’s normal that they should have a special connection with the one who has accompanied them from before they were born until the present day.”

However, Sigal recommends that this “very natural” reality not be accepted as is. “Each one of the twins requires a different approach. Otherwise he will find it hard to realize that he’s a separate being from his brother, different and unique. And a situation of codependency is liable to develop between them, as well as a lack of independent functioning. In my opinion, what should be conveyed is an attitude of ‘We’re two together, yet each of us is separate.’ It’s positive when there is a close, special relationship between twins, but it’s also beneficial that this relationship not limit their development. Each twin should also be capable of feeling ‘complete’ without his twin at his side, and should develop his own world, expressing his own unique personality.

“Examples of this can already be seen at a very early age. For instance, if one of the twins shows good fine motor control and the other is skilled with gross motor control, a situation is liable to be created in which one will cut out, paste, color, and string beads for both of them, whereas when they’re asked to pick up toys, climb, push or pull anything, the other will take over. As long as they’re together, they’ll succeed with all these activities, but actually, neither one is getting experience in all areas.”

Shulamis, a mother of twin girls, shares with us an example from her twins’ world: “When the girls were growing up, we used to divide chores between them, letting them decide what each wanted to do. At a certain stage, we noticed that the girls were dependent on each other. We discovered this when one of the girls wasn’t home and we saw that her twin didn’t know how to do the most basic things. She relied on her sister in these areas, and her sister relied on her in other areas. From then on, we saw to it that each one should learn all of these basic daily skills.”

The Third Rule: A Plan of Separation

Shulamis’s story raises the question of how and when it is advantageous to separate twins. Tehilla, mother of twin boys advises: “Think of each of your twins as separate. The fact that both of them were born on the same day, perhaps only minutes apart, doesn’t justify thinking of them as one unit. The principle of ‘Educating a child in his way’ applies to twins, as well. They each have a different character, and a different approach is needed for raising each one.”

How is this done? “It all starts with behaving differently towards each twin” explains Maya Simon. “It’s important to create a network for each twin, with his own possessions, from the first moment. Even though he’s not yet capable of discerning this, he will gradually learn to recognize his own place, will acquire confidence, and eventually, will learn to recognize himself, what is his, and what belongs to his twin brother. It’s true that this sometimes demands more complex organization on the part of the parents, but this is crucial to delineating the separation between them.”

Sigal Levi goes into more details: “Clearly, each twin needs a place of his own, exactly like every other child in the family, his own drawer or desk, and so on. Twins shouldn’t have to share a single drawer between them, just because they have the same birthday. As far as clothes go, it’s true that it looks cute to see twins dressed identically, but ask yourself if that’s good for their individual development, or if it’s better to give each child the opportunity to develop his own tastes.

“When you go shopping, encourage each twin to choose the foods he prefers, and not ‘like what your brother has.’ At the same time, room should be left for a feeling of ‘togetherness,’ and that shouldn’t be fought against. Ideas such as having two separate birthday parties are extreme in the other direction.”

Esther, a mother of twins from Chicago, also shares the truth in this concept. “I find it very important to foster my boys’ identity as individuals,” she says. “The same way all my children have their identities, so do Sruli and Chaim. I never call them ‘the twins.; They have names, so it’s important to always use them.”

Addressing them both as one unit, will cause them to perceive themselves as a single being. Whereas addressing each child by name and showing interest in what he wants, besides building your relationship with him, also creates within him a perception of himself as an independent being

“At the same time,” continues Esther, “they are twins, and they are connected. I recall a time one of my boys was having an issue in school. I suggested to the teacher that his twin brother help him out. ‘It’s not his responsibility,’ she answered. I disagreed. If lehavdil, Hashem sent a “special child” to the family, he would be everyone in the family’s responsibility. Here, Hashem wanted them to be born together. It’s all very cute, and they have a built-in playmate, but along with that, comes a responsibility to one another.”

The Fourth Rule: No Comparisons

Brachy, a mother of twin boys, takes Esther’s concept of connection a step further. “The social world of twins is different from that of a single child,” she says.  “After all, each of them has shared his world with the other, always. A twin builds his social world in partnership with his twin sibling. As babies, they’re never bored or lonely; they always have someone to play with or to fight with. In time, at about age three, their twin isn’t enough for them and they feel a need to broaden their social ties.”

Sigal recommends that, from an early age, parents initiate situations in which their twins will have opportunities to be in the company of other children. “Otherwise,” she warns, “when the children will be separated in nursery school, this is liable to be difficult for them. They’ll experience difficulties in leaving each other and they won’t have skills to form connections with the other children in the nursery school. It’s preferable that each one of the twins should develop his own independent social ties.”

Often, parents will try to foster “trio friendships” — inviting a friend to play with both twins. Sigal does not recommend this. “First of all, a friend who suits one of the twins may not suit the other. Besides, it’s not so easy to be a friend to twins. A child who is a friend of twins can often feel like an outsider. In my opinion, it’s preferable that twins be in two different playgroups. If they’re in the same group, a situation could arise in which one of the twins is very well accepted socially, and the other is rejected. Which creates strong jealousy between the two.”

The “hottest” topic among parents of twins  is the question of if and when to separate them. As they enter nursery school or kindergarten? When they enter first grade? Or maybe only in one of the higher grades? Should they be sent to two separate schools? Or would separate classrooms be enough for the building of their separate personalities?

Sometimes, separation is questioned in its entirety. Although there does seem to be an assumption that separation is essential among twins, often, parents cannot decide if that makes it mandatory.

 Sigal finds it crucial: “Because of the comparisons,” she explains. “People are constantly making comparisons between the two.”

Chani, mother of twin girls, can vouch for the truth in this assertion. She remembers many chance encounters with friends who took one look at her girls and had no compunction about announcing which was smarter, which was more sociable, and which was more successful … and this was before the girls were even a year old. When twins study in separate classrooms, they’re spared from these incessant comparisons. Not that the comparisons stop completely, but the intensity is definitely decreased.

Maya Simon adds that this separation moderates the often found problem of twins’ dependency on each other. “They now have the possibility of making new friends and trying out broader networks of social relations.”

Are there drawbacks to separation? “Every child who’s starting kindergarten experiences the pain of parting from his parents and from the environment that’s familiar to him,” reaffirms Maya, “When twins are separated, they experience a parting that’s not just doubly, but many times more painful. Besides the difficulties experienced by every child, they have the additional difficulties of separating from each other. For this reason, it’s advisable to separate them for extended periods already when they’re very young, and to encourage them to develop independent social ties.

“In any case,” she sums up, “when you’ve decided on the separation, the children need to be given some preparation for it. It’s best to speak to each child alone and to let him express his feelings on the matter, validating whatever he may feel.”

For your ultimate goals is to raise two independent people, not two halves.

Tips for Teenage Twins

>There’s a lot a parent can do to help their child develop separate identities. Once twins hit their teens some of that responsibility shift to them. Here’s what you can do to keep yourselves connected but distinct:

>If even your friends find it hard to tell you apart, find a way to become aesthetically distinct without totally changing your style. Give people a hand in the name department by dressing or wearing your hair a little differently. When someone calls you the wrong name, don’t get frustrated or ignore it. Explain or point out which traits or distinctions set you apart.

>While twins often have mutual friends, spending time apart with diverse circles will keep you from feeling as though you have to do everything together. It also removes social competition and pressure.

>Finding a different hobby or talent from your twin’s is a great way to set up separate circles of activity. Each of you sign up for different clubs i.e. dance, drama, choir, etc. You’ll meet different people, and fill your mind with different sources of inspiration and creativity.
>Apply to different seminaries or yeshivas. This is a “biggie,” but often the first crucial step to what is really your ultimate goal — setting up your own personal life that you are going to be living, independent from your twin.

>Don’t become jealous or resentful of your twin if she starts to become her own person, or react by becoming clingy. Appreciate her new traits and try to learn from them as you would any “new” friend.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 219)