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Human beings are so complex! We like to reduce that complexity to manageable size — something we can handle — so we put people into little categories. This one is stingy this one is a go-getter that one is a good-for-nothing. Doing this quick reduction gives us the feeling that we now understand. We know what makes this person tick. We know the type.

We do this with children as well as adults. This one is a troublemaker. This one is lazy. That one is conscientious. Once we’ve got it all figured out we feel a sense of control. “I know how to deal with this kind of child.”

Oh that it were that simple. 

Failure to Understand

“My father just doesn’t get it. He pushes me to socialize more. He’s always telling me to call a friend make a plan. He just won’t accept that I like to stay at home and do my own thing.”

Orit is socially anxious. Being with people is very hard work for her. At 16 she still keeps mostly to herself. Her father thinks she just needs encouragement. “Moping around the house is the worst thing for her. I want her to pick up the phone make an arrangement.”

It’s not that he’s wrong. It’s that he doesn’t understand his daughter’s disorder. For her it’s not a simple matter to “just pick up the phone.”

“I think the psychologist is making a big deal out of nothing” Dad explains. “She’s a regular kid with a lazy streak.”

Unfortunately this parent’s label causes him to be blind to his daughter’s anguish. Instead of helping her he adds feelings of guilt and inadequacy to her already heavy burden. But he’s not the only one. Extended family members are also confused. Orit looks so normal. Her failure to socialize even with them is weird hard to interpret. No one suspects that she’s suffering from a mental health disorder. 

Disturbing Behavior

Children who aren’t acting in age-appropriate ways are almost always suffering from a mental health disorder. A twelve-year old boy who regularly beats up his four-year-old brother is not just “badly behaved.” A ten-year-old girl who screams for hours because she didn’t get her way is not a “challenging child.” And a fifteen-year-old who cannot get out of bed before 10 a.m. every day is not “lazy.”

All of these children have underlying mental health issues. “Poor behavior” is leaving clothes on the floor. “Mental health disorder” includes symptoms that cause serious behavioral and emotional issues — most often on the home front.

“My child doesn’t have an official diagnosis. They say it may be some sort of personality disorder. She’s been to dozens of therapists and no one’s been able to help her. The only thing I know for sure is that our lives have been turned upside down by her. She terrorizes the household. She behaves outrageously. She’s been suspended and arrested. Her friends are a nightmare.

“We’ve tried everything with her and we’re at our wits’ end. But one of the hardest parts to bear is the loneliness. I can’t talk about my daughter’s behavior to people; the shame is too great. As a parent I get neither sympathy nor support. My best friend’s little boy is ‘on the spectrum’ and while it’s hard at least she can talk about it openly. She can get support. There’s no shame just sympathy caring and support. I wish I had that too.” 

Unmanageable

Unfortunately no pill has yet been invented to fix many of the complex often undiagnosable conditions that negatively affect the mood behavior and functioning of millions of children and adults. Even when conditions are diagnosed — severe ADHD bipolar disorder depression autism OCD personality disorder PTSD — treatment does not always completely alleviate symptoms.

Parents of such children endure great hardship trying to manage their child’s unmanageable feelings and behaviors. They suffer grief at the loss of their child’s potential confusion as to how to help anxiety as to their child’s future and unremitting stress from trying to build a normal family life for their other children while dealing with the often-overwhelming issues of this one disturbed youngster. Because children with mental health conditions look normal others not only frequently fail to support these parents but may actually judge them!

Human behavior is truly complex; we don’t really know what makes people tick or how to make them tick. Let’s always keep this in mind when looking at others and their children.