Some children are naturally difficult. Here’s how to help them get past their natural tendencies

Last week we looked at why some children are mean to their siblings. Now we will look at ways that parents can help them break out of this negative patterns.

1. Listen to yourself when you are trying to get your way in a difficult interaction with a child or spouse. Are you using a strategy that you will be pleased to see your children using with each other? Make sure that your words tone of voice and body language all convey respect to the other party despite your frustration and upset. Children will copy the style you use when you really want something from someone.
2. Teach your children the right way to negotiate with each other. Explain that respect is not only meritorious — it’s practical; people are more likely to cooperate with you when you treat them right. Children can be taught to bargain cajole and even bribe each other instead of getting mean. For instance the nine year old who wants to play with the new truck can offer his sibling time with something from his “private collection ” or his afternoon snack or some other form of collateral. Alternatively he can threaten negative consequences in a respectful nonviolent way suggesting for example that if the sibling doesn’t give him a turn with the truck then he’s not going to play with him. Kids can also be taught to bring in a professional mediator (i.e. a parent) when they hit a brick wall in their negotiations.
3. Teach every child in the family how to ask for respect from each other. Rather than try to rescue every victim teach the kids that they deserve to be treated nicely. Name-calling insults teasing and physical assaults are out. Tell them that they can ask for proper treatment and they can “discipline” mean siblings by warning them that if the mean behavior doesn’t stop they won’t play with them (for a short while) or won’t share something with them that they’d normally share. Brainstorm with your kids regarding suitable negative consequences that they can offer each other when necessary. Invite them to enlist your help if necessary.
4. For children who are born with a mean streak parental patience is required. Skip the lectures and constant reprimands because these will only make matters worse both through the process of reinforcement (too much attention given to an undesirable behavior) and through lowering the child’s self-esteem (which tends to increase behavioral problems). Instead try the CLeaR Method – Comment Label Reward. For instance when you see that your “mean” child has been able to start a negotiation process properly make a positive Comment (“I like the way you’re trying to work this out”) followed by a positive Label (“You’re a good negotiator”) and possibly a reward (“Since you are trying out these new skills I think you both deserve an extra privilege today”). Always comment on kindness generosity gentleness respectful speech and other kind behaviors. Refrain from commenting on mean behaviors except when absolutely necessary. In general be aware that the mean child is often lacking in positive attention because of his unpleasant tendencies; try to consciously give this child unconditional love in the proper doses as well in order to help build up his self-esteem.
5. Occasionally you may have to intervene with negative consequences. Use them sparingly and only for the worst forms of meanness such as violence or extremely hurtful remarks. Use the 2X-Rule for this warning the youngster that further behavior of this kind will always result in “such & such” specific negative consequence. Deliver necessary consequences very quietly minimizing attention and negativity. Do not show anger as that only encourages further meanness.
6. For children who are biologically prone to jealousy and nasty inter-sibling behavior you might try the harmless naturopathic remedies in the Bach Flower System. Many parents have been amazed to see unpleasant traits and behaviors minimized with this form of treatment. The remedy Holly is for the child who is jealous prone to anger and/or is easily offended. The remedy Vine is for the child who is bossy aggressive strong-willed and/or violent. Vervain is for the one who needs everything to be “fair.” Beech is for a fault-finder a critical child who is prone to insulting siblings. Mustard can help a moody child who tends to be negative and unpleasant. Two drops of each desired remedy can be placed in a one-ounce mixing bottle filled with water; 4 drops should be added to a small amount of liquid (juice water milk etc.) and given 4 times a day.
7. Troubling meanness that does not respond to the above interventions should be addressed by a mental health professional.