Part I

“I don’t get it: I have always been so careful to speak respectfully to my children. I’ve never called anyone a name or insulted them in any way. So how is it that my kids all fight with each other all the time?”

“My kids are all young adults now. I thought they would outgrow their ‘sibling rivalry’ but it seems to be as strong as ever. Are they still fighting for my attention?”

“It really hurts me to hear my eldest son criticize the other kids. I have no idea why he does it.”

For many reasons parents hate to see their children fighting among themselves. Conflict produces a toxic energy that affects everyone in the household whether they are directly involved or not. Moreover chronic inter-sibling conflict can make parents feel like failures particularly when the fighting continues into adulthood. They feel they haven’t achieved the big happy family of their dreams.

Even while the kids are little and still (fighting) at home parents may feel frustrated and helpless in the face of the ongoing battle. They may even feel angry at a particular child or at some subset of children for destroying the atmosphere in the home. Sometimes the conflict of children will lead to conflict between parents as each spouse puts forward different ways of handling the situation.

Finally watching victimized children being badly treated by a sibling perpetrator can trigger mirror neurons in parents. The result is that the parents suffer vicarious trauma: they feel the wounded child’s pain in their own bodies. Unpleasant in itself the pain also prompts them to engage in rescue missions in an attempt to protect “good” children from “bad” ones. Of course everyone suffers as a result. Parents are supposed to remain neutral (at least according to the aggressive siblings).

Why It Happens

Siblings hurt and mistreat one another for a variety of reasons. Sometimes the parental model of conflict resolution is truly inadequate. While parents hate to hear their kids insult each other they can be blissfully unaware that they themselves enact a version of the same behavior to their spouse or the children.

For example suppose a six-year-old is absolutely refusing to get into bed. After trying a handful of patient pleasant strategies that are getting her nowhere Mom might pull out the Power Card: “That’s it! Enough already! I said get into bed and I mean get into bed right now or you won’t be having cookies in your lunch bag tomorrow do you understand me??!!” She may not recognize the echo of her style in the dialogue between her nine-year-old and seven-year-old when the seven-year-old won’t give up the tractor trailer truck with the flashing lights and beeping back-up signals. “Give it to me right now or I’m breaking your tower down do you understand me??!!” There are differences of course but the idea is the same — especially in the child’s mind.

It is possible that other parental characteristics play a role as well. For instance parents who allow kids to fight it out will tend to find that their kids fight it out. Children are not born with healthy negotiation skills intact. Failing to intervene and teach these skills to children can result in a household of poor communicators and a great deal of conflict.

On the other hand inappropriate intervention can also produce more conflict. (Parents can never win.) The parent who constantly corrects a perpetrator will inevitably find that the child becomes more and more aggressive to his or her siblings. More positive teaching tools are required.

However faulty parental models and approaches do not fully explain why siblings are mean to each other. A phenomenon that most parents of large families have noticed is that children are born with their own personalities. The Torah tells us about this admonishing us to “Educate the child according to his way.” His “way” however may be quite challenging.

Most people have at least one and sometimes many of the kind of child that the psychological literature describes as “difficult.” This youngster may be mean from birth. Typically he or she can be described as being aggressive defiant uncooperative jealous impulsive highly sensitive inflexible justice-oriented and otherwise “difficult.” The child has a mixture of inborn traits that causes him or her to take things personally and feel a strong and urgent need to react intensely. The result is mean-looking behavior. Whereas other kids in the family may be a lot more easygoing flexible and forgiving this one never lets anything go. There’s always a remark an insult and/or a fight.

The question of course is what can parents do to help their “mean” children? The answer is forthcoming in next week’s column!