Do your best, then look the other way and trust Hashem

Control freaks — all of us in our own way — are often challenged in our close relationships. Each person lives the details of life in his or her unique way; each arranges a schedule, keeps a drawer, pays a bill, allocates funds, makes a sandwich, shops for produce, and does everything else in precisely his or her preferred manner.

Undue Credit

“I always took parenting very seriously. I read every book, took every class. I thought about every word I spoke and every action I took because I felt I had to be the best mother I could be. I felt that if I did all this I’d raise the world’s best human beings and, to tell you the truth, I’m pretty pleased with the results of all my work. My kids, I have to say, are just great.”

This mother is interesting. She takes full credit for producing wonderful children. She knows that she parented consciously and skillfully and points to the outcome as if it was directly linked to her efforts — as if there weren’t genes involved, a father in the home, a school, a community, peers and role models, as if there’s no free will and — most importantly — as if Hashem is not directing traffic. This is a common error among control freaks: believing they are actually in control!

It’s Not All up to Me

“I always felt that if I only did everything right, my kids would turn out great. But I learned the hard way that Hashem runs the world, not me. Three of my eight kids have severe learning disabilities and suffered tremendously in school. Two were plagued with anxiety that still continues to limit their lives. My easier kids did well socially and academically but suffered emotionally due to their troubled relationship with my husband who has a terrible temper and who cast a deep shadow over our household. Yes, I feel I’ve been an excellent mother but clearly, the outcome is not up to me. I’m able to control just my small corner of the universe; the rest is up to Hashem.”

We can control what we say and do. But we can’t be certain as to the causal relationship between our actions and our outcomes. Does our deep parent-child bond stem from our attachment parenting style or from other factors that we’re unaware of? Is our child healthy because of the nutritious diet we provide or because of his hardy constitution? Is our daughter calm because we model calmness or because of her genes? We pick a path because we hope it will lead to positive outcomes, but in fact, we can only draw correlations, not conclusions. Whatever our role might be, it’s never the whole story. This can give us some comfort when it comes to our grandchildren.

Look the Other Way

“I can’t bear to watch how my children raise their children. One has no rules of any kind and their kids come to the Shabbos table or don’t, depending on their mood. Such a thing never happened in our home! Another lets her kids eat junk food all day long. In our house, there was candy at the Shabbos party and that was it — I fed them healthy food for every breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack! Another indulges his kids like there’s no tomorrow: Anything they want they get. My kids were lucky if they got something on their birthdays for goodness’ sake! And the ones who are in day care while their mothers are at home with a baby! Have you ever heard of such a thing?”

A lot of grandparents are certain their kids are destroying the grandchildren one way or another. If these elders are relationship savvy they won’t try to “help” their children with unsolicited advice. However, even if they remain silent, they may suffer inside. “I look away. I can’t watch….” “They’re ruining those kids….”

The truth is, however, that Hashem guides a child’s development and provides whatever the child needs. Parents do what they believe is best, but Hashem decides what the impact will be, and the child is granted free will to react to the environment that Hashem provides for him.

When the “mistakes” that one’s children make with one’s grandchildren are difficult to watch, looking away — turning eyes and heart to Hashem — is indeed the best strategy. For only He knows what is truly good.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 632)