There was a time when very few members of our community had friends or relatives who were divorced. Now all of us are surrounded and touched by this unfortunate reality. We are in some ways better as a result. When divorce was synonymous with ostracism and poverty many opted to tolerate abuse. Today divorce is an alternative to marital anguish.

Many married people are working harder on themselves and their relationships as a result of seeing close-up what their future might be if they don’t make their marriages priority. For example watching a sibling endure the challenges brought on by the dissolution of his or her marriage often brings home the reality that divorce is hard. It is a necessary relief from intolerable marital conditions but not a desirable solution for regular marriage problems.

 

Divorce Fantasies

Regular (non-abusive) marriages have their problems. Two imperfect people invariably anger hurt and disappoint each other — sometimes intensely. They routinely fail to fulfill each other’s needs. As a result many people harbor divorce fantasies. I’d be so much happier with someone else.

These thoughts are very different from those of truly mistreated people — people whose physical and mental wellbeing is seriously threatened due to their spouse’s behavior. These abused and mistreated people must exit their marriage in order to survive. Regular marrieds on the other hand are simply in search of greater happiness.

All of us are constantly in search of greater happiness. However happiness as they say is an inside job — not a matter of arranging external circumstances to suit us perfectly. Not surprisingly regular marrieds are unlikely to find greater happiness through the process of divorce. They will either marry another imperfect human being with a new set of flaws (who will often bring along a new set of children with their own flaws and perhaps an ex-spouse to endure as well) or they will remain without a partner.

While remaining without a partner means that they won’t have to deal with a difficult partner it’s also a fact that — after a short period of relief — loneliness and/or emptiness can set in. Regular marriages while very challenging usually have a number of positive aspects that are missed in divorce. On top of everything else divorced parents may have to accept the difficult reality of their ex-partner’s new spouse becoming a part-time parent to their children.

If the divorce of a regular-married person had negative consequences only for him or her then we might chalk the whole thing up to a personal “learning experience.” Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way.

“I begged my husband to stay but he wouldn’t listen. He said that he wanted more in a marriage. I thought we were a happy family — I loved and respected him we have four great children we had a good life. But for reasons I will never understand he decided to leave.

“That was six years ago and my life has been miserable ever since. I miss having a normal family. I’m both mother and father half the time and I feel like a teen the other half — I’m a guest in other people’s homes even those of my siblings and parents. Everyone has their own life while I’m a third wheel.”

Even if this woman remarries eventually she and her children will endure great suffering as a result of the husband’s choice. Moreover it’s not only the spouse and children who are impacted by a person’s decision to leave.

“Of course we took our son in. We’re helping to raise the children. To be honest it’s very hard on us. We’re way past the age where we can run after toddlers all day. This was supposed to be ‘our’ time. Now we’re strained emotionally physically and financially. My heart breaks for the children packing up and going back and forth and back and forth. Nobody can grow up like that and turn out normal.”

Besides the personal suffering there are community-wide effects of each person’s decision to divorce. There is the burden carried by community organizations that try to help parents pull through. There are the schools that lose out on tuition. There are the relatives who need to offer ongoing financial assistance. There is the fact that every divorce weakens every marriage.

One needs to ask oneself if his or her search for personal happiness justifies all of these costs to others. Could there be another way to create a good life?