When you and your spouse get into that same old disagreement and he or she says:

“You always do that!” or “You never do that!”

You could say:

“Remember that one time that…”

Have you ever experienced déjà vu when disagreeing with your spouse? Maybe you have an argument that seems to be on repeat? If you relate, you’re not alone; studies show that most couples have the same fights over and over again.

The next time you recognize that you’re in the middle of a perpetual argument, break the cycle by making a reference to one of your nicest shared memories. It could be a special trip, a fun activity you did, an inside joke, or something else.

Bringing it up could help you both remember why you married each other in the first place, and maybe you’ll even be able to come up with a solution to your problem!

When the Shabbos guest (or host) with no conversational boundaries says:

“Why did you go to that seminary?”

You could say:

“Could you please pass the chicken?”

Having guests is a wonderful mitzvah and can really enhance your Shabbos table. Being hosted is also special in its own way. But meeting and getting to know new people in this setting can also get very tricky, very quickly, depending on who is at the table and what their sensitivities are.

Back when I was in seminary, I was at a table, and the host kept asking me increasingly probing questions about my background, which I really didn’t want to get into then and there. If only I’d had this guide then!

You can’t really run away in the middle of a Shabbos meal (well, you could, but then it would be a different level of awkward), but you can politely interrupt to ask for the chicken. And, if needed, you can interrupt again for a side. And then maybe a drink. If you end up with all the food surrounding you, your guest (or host) will eventually have to stop the awkward conversation to ask you to pass the food back down the table!

When the cashier at the grocery store on Erev Shabbos scowls at you,

You could say:

“That’s a lovely _____ you’re wearing.”

The lines are long, everyone’s in a rush, children are kvetching, and in all that hubbub, it’s easy to forget that no, you’re not in the self-checkout lane and yes, that is a human being scanning your groceries.

Even if the cashier isn’t overtly rude to you, there’s a definite difference in the shopping experience depending on the cashier’s mood. Maybe this is a Midwestern thing, but I always try to make an effort to be especially friendly to people in the service industry.

Giving another person a compliment is a way to brighten everyone’s day. They feel good, you feel good, you have a chance to make a kiddush Hashem, and while you’re wracking your brain to find something to compliment them on, it will also take your mind off how much you still have to do before you light those Shabbos candles.

When your stressed-out sister-in-law posts on the family chat:

“Hello, we need to make a decision like yesterday!!!!”

You could post:

“Sorry, wrong chat.”

You’re trying to plan a family something-or-other and it isn’t going well. The laid-back types are being predictably laid-back, the over-committers are overcommitting, and the worriers are exuding anxiety. Every post they make includes an increasing amount of punctuation (i.e. “Can we please make a decision soon?!?!?!?!?!!!!?!?!?!?!?”).

Just post “sorry, wrong chat.” The vicious cycle will stop, at least for a minute, as everyone tries to figure out how to tell you that you’ve posted your “sorry, wrong chat” message on the wrong chat.

When you’re fundraising and someone says:

“Count me out!”

You could say:

“Zei gebentshed.”

Remember when online fundraising was a novelty? Yeah, me neither. Years after this trend started, we’ve all seen our acquaintances, friends, and family (and ourselves) quasi-apologetically post about their son’s/daughter’s school/yeshivah/seminary and make a plea for donations.

Somewhat recently, I had the honor to help raise funds for my children’s school. I’m not good at fundraising, and I’m also very sensitive to negative feedback, so you can imagine how well that went. One person I cold-called told me loudly that I could “count them out” of helping with the campaign. Okay, then.

Listen, I understand that we’re all often inundated with campaigns, but it’s no excuse not to be a mensch to the person (me) on the other end of the phone or WhatsApp or private message or whatever.

But if you find yourself being yelled at, resist the urge to bite back. Take the high road and wish them the best. It will probably surprise them enough that they’ll stop yelling at you. And maybe it’ll give them pause before they get their next fundraising request.

When the Unsolicited Advice Giver says:

“You should be reading this parenting book; it could really help you.”

You could say:

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

People love to give advice. They really do. They don’t, however, always make sure that you’re ready to receive their advice when they give it over. And while unsolicited advice is, generally speaking, aggravating, that doesn’t always mean it’s bad advice. I try to keep that in mind so that after my annoyance fades, I can sift through the advice and see if there’s actually something helpful I could implement.

But during the moment of the actual advice-giving, I suggest using this phrase that has a dual purpose. You’re saying that yes, you’ll keep their suggestion in mind, but also, you’ll keep in mind that this person is the type to give unsolicited advice, and maybe you’ll give them a wide berth the next time you see them at a social event.

When the Diet Evangelist says:

“Does this have processed oil? That’s such poison!

I only use pure, freshly squeezed oil.”

You could say:

“Good for you!”

We all go through phases. When I started attending an exercise class, I was so excited/shocked that I was actually exercising, that for a while, I told everyone I knew about it because it made such a positive difference in my life. I’m still attending the class, but I’ve toned down the evangelizing and my friends are, thankfully, all still talking to me.

When you encounter someone who’s so excited about something they’re into, they can’t imagine anyone doing anything other than the Thing That Is Clearly the Best Possible Health Choice, there’s really not much to say besides “Good for you!” or “I’m happy for you!”

Also, if you repeat that same phrase over and over again, it will probably end the conversation more quickly.

When You Say to Yourself:

“I’m so disorganized! I’m never going to get my act together.”

You could say:

“I’m so much more than my to-do list!”

Raise your hand if you’re ever too hard on yourself. I thought so. You deserve to take a break from negative self-talk and give yourself some positive vibes! Yes, I’m sure there are things you could improve (hello, no one’s perfect), but there are absolutely things you’re excelling at. You just need to give them as much (or more) attention than the things you want to change.

Every middah has an inverse, so if you’re down on yourself for being disorganized, maybe that means you’re more flexible and can go with the flow. Frustrated that you’re so easily distracted? Maybe you’re an excellent multi-tasker.

You’re the only one with your unique set of traits, talents, and perspectives. No one else in the world can do what you are meant to do. Remember that and hold your head high!

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 782)