D

ear Preschool Parent

Taking care of young children is physically and emotionally exhausting even while it’s gratifying and rewarding. I know it’s not simply a job but avodas hakodesh as I try to instill the children with middos tovos and a yearning to do mitzvos a love of Hashem and His Torah — and an enjoyment of school. Baruch Hashem I’ve been successful for close to 30 years.

But right now I’m overwhelmed by sadness and worry. Put very simply many children today aren’t getting the parenting needed for developing healthy yiras Shamayim. In an attempt to curry favor with their children parents have relinquished their authority and are not guiding or instilling rules. Instead they allow their children to dictate what they “choose” to do or “feel” like doing.

True parents today can’t be as strict as they once were and they have to choose their battles — but they’ve gone to the other extreme. While I am in favor of asking children their opinions and wishes I see many parents who don’t set limits and allow their children free rein even when it’s totally inappropriate.

Like when a parent brought her son to class on the day of our alef-beis siyum. He was covered in a rash but hadn’t seen a doctor. Why? “I wanted to take him but he didn’t want to go” the mother told me. So instead of doing the right thing she agreed to his demands and brought him to class regardless of whether or not he was infectious. I understood that the child didn’t want to miss the siyum and so told the child we wouldn’t start without him but that he had to see the doctor. He refused. The mother started bribing the child with treats. He still refused and started flailing his arms at her. At that point I simply insisted they go. That was 25 years ago and I thought things couldn’t get worse. Well they did!

Today the last day before vacation an unruly child said he’s leaving and headed to the door. I called him back and explained that it was proper to say goodbye to Morah and thank her. He looked at me and said “That’s not my choice!”

Your child has been told he has choices in every single aspect of his day. I guess you don’t know that choices mean: “Do you want to wear the blue or green shirt?” or “It’s bath time in 15 minutes — do you want to hear a story before or after the bath?” No you are giving him the message that he’s in charge regardless of the rights and wrongs.

We do have choices — we can choose which shul to daven in — but there are some immutable principles: we must daven. Similarly we must eat matzah on Pesach but we can choose regular or whole wheat. With your parenting though you’re telling him he gets to choose if he wishes to comply. Soon he’ll be receiving the message: if I don’t like the taste of maror (or another mitzvah) and don’t feel like eating it I don’t have to.

Along with time love and attention children thrive on rules discipline and consistency. They can’t handle all this freedom and are begging for guidance. And though I do my best to teach guide and mold them during the school day I can’t do your job.

Please dear parent for the sake of your child for the sake of all future generations for the sake of kavod Shamayim do the job you’ve been entrusted with. Your child will thank you.

A Preschool Morah