D ear Future Mechuteneste

You’ve told me several times about your son Yehoshua who’s no longer religious. Each time you emphasize how wonderful he is in the mitzvah of kibbud horim and how often he contacts you. 

I assume you want to make sure that we know about Yehoshua. Maybe you fear that if we didn’t know about him and were to hear in the future we might want to break off the shidduch between your son and our daughter.

Be assured we won’t. We’ve always considered each person suggested for our children as an individual. Each shidduch that was suggested for any of our children was of course investigated. But unlike many people today we don’t care what color tablecloth you use what shoes your son wears or whether your married daughters wear long or short sheitels. We feel that each person is an individual and at some point has to take responsibility for his or her own behavior.

We’re looking for a husband for our daughter not a perfect chavrusa not a mashgiach not someone for her to show off to her school friends. We were always looking for a mensch with good middos who enjoys his learning and takes it seriously whether full- or part-time who is kind and considerate and who shows that he cares for our daughter.

The shadchan was very careful to tell us that unfortunately one of your older sons is off the derech. My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine the heartbreak you must have suffered over him. But we know that this situation is sadly increasingly common today and we certainly don’t hold it against you or your other children. It can happen to anyone any family.

I asked the shadchan and the people whose names you sent us as references if perhaps you and your husband were very strict and unbending regarding your children’s upbringing and maybe that had turned off Yehoshua. We were assured you were not and that you treat every child according to his needs and character. Having met you and all your other wonderful children I know that to be true.

I asked them about your relationship with Yehoshua. Did you have contact with him? I was told that you did and I was very relieved. I’m sure that the only way for him to return to the fold is by maintaining contact so that he has a family to return to.

Your son Eliyahu our future son-on-law has also mentioned his brother Yehoshua. We see his pain — not embarrassment but pain — and admire him for that. He isn’t worried about whether or not we will accept him but he is very worried about his brother’s future in This World and the Next World. That endears him even more to us.

I have no idea what made him leave Yiddishkeit and I don’t pretend to have any wise theories. But we do not in any way blame you. Your home upbringing and chinuch have produced ten wonderful children of whom you can be proud. I know you are still proud of Yehoshua for some of his characteristics as well. We are aware of the fact that there is another child in addition to those we’ve had the pleasure of meeting and like you we shall daven that he returns to Yiddishkeit and gives nachas to you and HaKadosh Baruch Hu.

Your Future Mechuteneste