“I promise you, it’s harder for me to speak to you than it is for you to speak to me”

Dear Married Friend,

I know you’re struggling with our relationship as much as I am. You didn’t ask to get married first, nor did you ask for me to remain single. You would love it if we were at the same stage of life as much as I would.

But life doesn’t give you choices, and we’re both trying to do our best.

“Trying your best?!” you ask me. I know it doesn’t look that way to you. I ignore many of your phone calls, don’t share a lot about my personal life, and constantly make you feel like you’re doing the wrong thing.

But I promise you, it’s harder for me to speak to you than it is for you to speak to me. When I’m with my single friends, I can forget that I’m in shidduchim, that most of the girls my age are married with babies, that there’s so much that I’m missing.

But when I speak to a married friend, it’s staring me in the face. When we discuss all the things going on in your life (and I appreciate that you’re not afraid to share), I’m reminded of all that I want but don’t yet have.

Sometimes I consider just dropping you because it’s so painful to keep up our relationship. But I love you and I value our relationship, and the effort you put into it as well.

I know you want me to get married, and you aren’t the cause of my pain. But can I be honest here? Instead of tiptoeing around my feelings, maybe try setting me up with one of your husband’s friends. It’s so hard for me to understand how my friends can watch me in pain and not try to do anything about it. How can you watch me go through this and not try to help? I like to think that if our roles were reversed I would do as much for you.

Sometimes I feel so distant from you it hurts. We were so close in high school and seminary. But shidduchim is something you can’t understand unless you go through it. You can’t understand what it’s like to want something so badly, yet have absolutely no way to get it. To watch your friends move on without you, and not be able to do anything to join them. To wake up every morning hoping something will happen today, to be disappointed every night again. You have no idea that it’s painful every day, that every day it’s a struggle to stay cheerful and upbeat.

But how would you know? You’ve never waited for it, so you can’t fully appreciate what you have.

I know this is hard for both of us, and that we’re both doing our best. Friendships go through ups and downs, and the ones that weather the storms are the strongest. And I want you to know that I appreciate how much you care. I hope that soon we can put this behind us, and we can once again reevaluate our friendship, this time with both of us at the same stage of life.

Love,

Your Single Friend

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 898)