D ear Former Teachers

It’s been many years since I sat in your classrooms. Yet your words still ring in my ears. I sat in your classes in a solid Bais Yaakov from preschool through seminary. And you were the ones who taught me of the importance of a Jewish mother and wife.

The messages began when we were so young — my first recollection is from fifth grade — nearly a decade before most of us would stand under the chuppah. You spoke one after the other about the power of a bas Yisrael to set the tone in her home and to use her binah yeseirah to transform her husband into a true ben Torah. You taught about all the women throughout the glorious sweep of our history who nurtured the potential they viewed within their husband who gave up everything so their spouses could grow in Torah and thanks to their efforts their husbands achieved dazzling heights.

Day in and day out week after week we heard that after the wedding day we can begin anew and choose the path we wish to take for the rest of our lives to craft the bricks that would build our homes. We learned how it is up to us to enable our husbands to achieve greatness.

However there were two crucial points that were not taught. First that our husbands may have good intentions and may be true bnei Torah but they did not receive the same education that we did. They might not be interested or able to stretch themselves to continue learning and growing as the years march on. Secondly that effort is in our hands — but not success!

I know because now 18 years down the road we whisper to one another about our disappointments. We too wanted to sacrifice for Torah and merit to be married to “the Rosh Yeshivah” — or at least the working man who learns daf yomi at the crack of dawn before going to work and is immersed in a sefer again late at night. We too undertook extra responsibilities to remove pressures and distractions from our husbands so they could sit and learn with a geshmak. We too davened and davened tearfully begging Hashem to help our husbands learn and continue to grow in Torah yet we did not merit achieving that level of Torah learning in our homes.

Which brings me to my next point. Your lessons placed too much power and responsibility at the feet of women. At the end of the day we are responsible only for ourselves. We can create the right environment in our homes we can forgo spending on extras — or even necessities — but ultimately we are not responsible for the choices our husbands make.

Dear teachers perhaps you can adjust your lessons. We can be successful wives and mothers — even if our husbands are not the greatest masmidim or have not finished Shas. We need to be accountable for our own choices. We need to make the right decisions to work on developing our own relationships with Hashem and the people around us and of course set the right tone in the home. Ultimately our success is not measured by our husbands’ achievements limud Torah or mitzvos — rather it’s measured by our own.

Sincerely

Your Former Student