“Please keep in mind that dan l’chaf zechus relates to parents as well”

Dear Daughter,

Last week you told me you believe I “don’t get” how painful it was for you to grow up missing the amount of warmth, love, and admiration you felt you desperately needed. I told you I understood, and I offered to go to therapy with you, which you weren’t comfortable with.

What I didn’t tell you, my dear, is how many tears I’ve shed knowing I fell short in this vital piece of my raising my children. What I didn’t tell you is that Hashem gave me a tremendous nisayon and that I spent most of your childhood in survival mode.

Five years into our marriage, when you were just three years old, Tatty went into deep depression and was subsequently diagnosed with OCD, anxiety, and depression. Our marriage was shaky, and with the advice and encouragement of gedolim, I chose to do the best I could to raise you and your siblings, while dealing with an absentee husband who needed a huge amount of patience and care.

Our challenges lasted many, many years. To Tatty’s credit, he spent years in therapy (as did I) and was consistent with taking his medications, and baruch Hashem he’s now a healthy and loving father. Although you may have been exposed to his many outbursts of frustration and anger, I tried everything possible to shield you from what was going on. Our marriage was tested on a daily basis. Several times I reached out to gedolim and professionals when I felt I couldn’t carry this burden one day longer. We all agreed that you children would still be better off in a two-parent home, especially since things were improving (it was one step forward, two steps back for many years) and your father really loved you all deeply, but had his handicaps.

I went into survival mode and stayed there for many years. Crises were constantly arising, and the only way I was able to deal with it all was to shut down my emotions and try to stay focused on taking the next step. I was well aware that I was often on edge and had little patience for you children.

Oh, how hard I tried. I did the best I could with the tools I had, focusing on the fact that once this crisis would be over, we’d be a normal, happy family again. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that it would take many, many painstaking years to heal and rebuild that once happy family.

I’m guilt-ridden about not having been there for you children properly, and I worried myself sick about how all this would affect your emotional and spiritual health. Eventually, I fell into a depression of my own. Through a lot of hard work in therapy, I learned that I’d become codependent. I assumed it was my responsibility to heal and make Tatty happy, and took on all of my children’s emotions as well. I was terrified of you children “going off the derech” because of your wounds.

With time and a lot of work I had to accept the reality that each of our neshamos came into This World with a tafkid. In order to fulfill that tafkid, Hashem put each of us in the situation we were in for reasons only He knows. All I can do is the best I can at any given moment, daven,  and daven some more, and accept that this was part of my children’s neshamos’ journey. I know I wasn’t neglecting you (on some level, trust me — you still got plenty of love with it all) on purpose. I was staying laser-focused on keeping my marriage and home together, and that basically used up all the reserves I had.

It’s now many years later, and all of you are married baruch Hashem. Yes, you all have your childhood wounds and had your unique challenges, but at the end of the day, you saw parents working on themselves and their marriage constantly, and each of you are giving Hashem and us nachas in your own way.

I deeply and sincerely apologize for the pain I know I can’t completely heal. I’d love to enter therapy with you. However, I know doing that would include exposing you to aspects of our marriage and Tatty’s struggles you aren’t aware of. Since things are so much better now, why “shake it up”?

What I’d love you to know is that while your pain is valid and real, and I completely endorse you going for therapy, please keep in mind that dan l’chaf zechus relates to parents as well. It seems to you that you have the full picture, but there’s actually so much hidden from you.

May Hashem give all of you, us, and Klal Yisrael, the healing they need,

Your Mother Who Loves You

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 904)