A

few weeks ago, I wrote about how a mother-in-law could build a positive relationship with her daughter-in-law. All relationships are two-way streets, with responsibilities on both sides, but parents must lead the way in parent-child relationships.

When dealing with one’s own child, parental leadership comes fairly naturally: The parent is the obvious teacher, charged with the responsibility of raising the child, and is obviously better equipped, able to understand, educate, and guide the child.

When children are the leaders in the parent-child relationship, they’re called “parentified,” meaning that they have assumed the role that rightfully belongs to the parent. When parent and child are playing equal roles, the relationship may be termed codependent. The only healthy parent-child dynamic is one in which there’s a hierarchy — with the parent at the head.

In parent-in-law relationships, the parent-in-law is still in the role of parent. Although there are now two adults in the relationship, there is still a power imbalance. Parents are to be honored and respected because of their special status as direct representatives of Hashem. This status alone creates an imbalance in the relationship.

There are more mundane factors as well: Parents-in-law are 20 or even 40 years older than their children-in-law. A mother-in-law has more life experience, more authority, more knowledge, and hopefully, more maturity, than her daughter-in-law. Therefore, the mother-in-law leads the relationship. In doing so, she will hopefully use her wisdom, compassion, and understanding to help bring out the best in both her daughter-in-law and the relationship.

Issues with Daughters-in-Law

As with one’s own children, daughters-in-law can be “easy,” “average,” or “challenging” (read: “difficult”). However, as daughters-in-law are old enough to consciously contribute to their in-law relationships, they too have a role in creating a positive dynamic. They need to understand that their mothers-in-law are people with feelings very similar to their own. Consider the following sentiments expressed by mothers-in-law:

“Abbi is the daughter I’ve always wanted (I’ve only got sons!). She calls me regularly, invites me for coffee, brings me her homemade challah, helps in the kitchen whenever they come. She graciously cleans up after our adorable grandchildren and is considerate in every way. How could I not love her?”

“Ruchie has always been hard to deal with. She has so many rules that my husband and I are afraid to act naturally around her. They can never join us for a meal because the kids will miss bedtime and we can’t go to their house because they’re hosting friends and we can’t watch the kids because we may do something she disapproves of. It’s so uncomfortable that we’ve basically withdrawn.”

“Liat comes over with the kids, plops on the couch, and reads — leaving me to make snacks for the kids, entertain them, and clean up after them. And then she complained to my face that I don’t offer to babysit often enough! I know she’s tired, but I was also tired when I was a young mother. And I’m still tired! I have kids of my own at home and I work. Maybe her mother does this for her, but I don’t want to. But what can I do? She’s a daughter-in-law, not a daughter. I don’t want to rock the boat.”

“It’s been 12 years and Miriam still keeps her distance — I can count the number of times she’s invited us over on one hand. No telephone calls. Nothing. She keeps the conversation very superficial when we’re together. I know she’s popular and can get along with people. I guess she thinks I’m just an old lady she doesn’t need to bother with. It’s very disappointing.”

“My daughter-in-law has turned my son into her slave. In addition to his busy job and learning schedule, he has to do all the shopping, cooking, carpooling, and childcare. He hasn’t got a moment to relax. I hate seeing my child treated this way.”

Rewarding Relationships

The principles of normal relationships are at play here. A helpful person is always greatly appreciated. A rigid person is unpleasant to deal with. Selfish or self-centered behavior never wins friends. An uncommunicative person makes people give up eventually. Anyone who hurts our child is a persona non grata.

What does it take to be a great daughter-in-law? The same thing it takes to be a great friend: kindness, flexibility, friendly communication, and sensitivity. Most people possess these traits. When mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law demonstrate them to each other, they foster rewarding relationships.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 573)