When surrounded by negativity, remember that you can only change you.

“My mother’s an endless fountain of wisdom — but not in a good way. Whatever I’m doing, she finds something wrong… and tries to ‘help.’ For example, when she was here for dinner last night, she volunteered to get my three-year-old into his pajamas. As she was putting them on him, she said, ‘Aren’t you worried that these are too warm for the summer?’

“I know that sounds innocent, but just five minutes later she walked out of the bathroom and asked, ‘Does your cleaning lady still come twice a week?’ She’s referring, of course, to the fact that the bathroom wasn’t exactly sparkling.

“Then she went downstairs to make herself some tea and said, ‘Have you thought of replacing these cups? I think they’re starting to crack.’ And she just went on and on…

“Maybe I could tolerate this if my mom only visited for a week or two a year, but she lives a couple blocks away and is constantly in my home! I know she doesn’t mean any harm and she’s not abusive or anything, but I really can’t take it.”

Just trying to help

The mother in this scenario is probably unaware that she’s making nonstop critical remarks. She is, after all, just trying to be helpful. When she points out that the baby needs a bath or the chicken is a little dry, she’s just observing the facts — nothing personal is intended. It’s just her own way of seeing the world: Wherever she looks, she can see something wrong, flawed, imperfect. And as soon as she spots it, her mouth opens to announce her findings. It’s just her normal way of seeing and talking.

“Once in a while, I’ve had enough, and I ask my mother to please stop pointing out every single little problem that she finds. Invariably, she’ll say something like, ‘No one can say anything to you!’ or ‘My goodness, you’re so sensitive.’ She never acknowledges that she might be doing something hurtful. Instead, she insinuates that I have a problem because I’m so bothered by her helpful hints.

“I know it’s not really respectful of me to confront her, especially because by the time I do it, I’m always really annoyed. That’s probably why she’s always so invalidating when I say something.”

It’s definitely hard to cope with nonstop corrections and criticisms, whatever their source. When they come from a parent, the challenge is especially great, since we are not permitted to offend our parents or show disrespect. What can an adult child do, then, in order to protect herself from a stream of (even well-meaning) negativity?

Mindset reset

You might be able to change your own mindset about the negativity. You might be able to view your mother as a co-victim of that negativity and elicit feelings of compassion for her if you remind yourself that her brain is somehow unfortunately attached to negativity.

This might have been a result of her childhood or possible genetic factors, but however it happened, your mother now constantly sees, discusses, and experiences the flawed side of life. This is as bad for her as it is for those around her. Seeing and speaking about negative things lowers one’s own joy levels, as well as everyone else’s. Moreover, her inability to respond to her daughter’s pain is a symptom of her own lack of development, insight, compassion, and emotional intelligence; it’s a deficit that no one would envy.

When you realize your mother’s loss and are grateful for the gifts that you yourself have been given, you may be more able to step aside from the negativity instead of absorbing it so deeply.

A second strategy, when necessary, is to ask your mother to give you positive feedback. “Mom, I’ve been feeling insecure lately. When you visit, would you mind finding a couple of nice things to tell me about myself, the kids, or the family? You’re so good at seeing things that I myself don’t even notice and it would really help me feel better about myself. I care a lot about what you think.” Mom might be honored to be asked to help out and perhaps this would even help Mom begin to focus on the positive in life.

Ultimately, the only one we can control is ourselves. Mom may never change. Sometimes building our own capacity to tolerate pain is the change that’s required.